humour // no. 22

 

Clown unemployment rises

> Performers suffering as demand for clowns decreasesv

Carlos Bilan
Staff Writer

 

(¢€r the unemployment rate of clowns
is rising,” Chuckie Twist, head of

the Clown Studies department at the

UBC, said at a Sunday press conference.

“We blame those scary clown
sightings. How can a Halloween fad
cause this much damage? We have also
experienced an increasing rate of drop-
outs in our courses. We offer one of
most prestigious programs in the world.
Even the circus has experienced a lot of
empty seats,” Twist said, as he started
to cry. “I’m sorry. I just can’t contain my
emotions. I used to be funny, but now I
just feel shitty.”

One of our reporters, Ava Menura,
encountered one casualty of this
international dilemma yesterday
morning in Maple Ridge. Joey Smith,
who was dressed up as a clown, was
seen crying at the bus stop.

“It’s all those stupid internet videos’
fault. The so-called killer-clowns have
been giving us normal clowns a bad rep.
Now, no one wants to hire us!” Smith
said angrily. Menura consoled the once-
happy clown until he calmed down.

“l’m Bongo the clown. Kids used to
love me,” Smith told Menura, smiling
sadly.

As Menura was interviewing the
clown, a passing kid shouted: “Hey! It’s
no longer Halloween, dumbass! Stop
terrorizing our neighbourhood!” The
clown burst into tears.

Seeking more input on this anti-
clown trend, Menura asked people who
were passing by the bus stop what they

thought of clowns.

“I think clowns are funny as long as
they don’t go near me,” Andy Samuels,
an eight-year-old kid, said to Menura.

His seven-year-old sister, Angela,
said “I love clowns! I had one during
my birthday party. His name was Potsy,
and he made my friends laugh! He also
made some really nice animals from
balloons!”

“I was in my room the entire time,”
Andy replied. “Never ask mum and dad
for a clown again, please.”

Angela retorted, “They’re people,
Andy! Grow up! They just want you to
be happy.”

Their mother, Demietra Samuels
said, “My daughter loves clowns. Her
brother hates them. But I can see how
those viral videos can send the wrong
message.”

Nine-year-old Sid Phillips, who was
wearing a KISS shirt, said, “Clowns are
awesome! Jf is my favourite movie. |
actually want to be a clown when I grow
up. I wish I was part of the clown craze.
Pennywise is my favourite clown.”

His father, Josh Phillips, who is an
accountant, said, “My son here loves
clowns. I just wish he realized how
hard it is out there and that there’s no
progress in that career path.”

Cole Ruffo, a student who studies
psychology at Simon Fraser University,
said, “I already have a phobia of clowns,
so that clown craze just made me more
afraid of them. I’m probably going
to need to file a restraining order
protecting me from—” Ruffo then
noticed Smith and screamed, “Ah! Is
that a clown? Get away from me! I’m
calling 911!”

“Tt looks like I will have to consider

a change in my career. I was thinking
of pursuing a job as a Christmas elf.

I know it will go against my values of
being anti-capitalist, since I will be
working for a fat rich white man and
never get the recognition I deserve.

Pl only be his worker, after all. Kids

What to do with your leftover
Halloween candy

> Cause let’s face it, you've still got tons left

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

he season is turning, pumpkins and

skeletons now (hopefully) retired, and
there’s an impending sense of Christmas
in the air. Youre all ready to enjoy the
burgeoning winter aesthetic... except you
still have five bowls of Halloween candy
left over from two weeks ago. Do small
children just not trick-or-treat anymore?

But never fear! The Other Press is

here to tell you just what to do! Follow
these helpful tips and suggestions, and
that crap will be gone in no time at all!

Make a homemade grenade launcher

It’s not actually gonna launch grenades,
of course. But think of it as one of those
beanbag guns chock-full of chocolatey
goodness. You can use it to shoot candy at
friends, family, or those raucous teenagers
next door who keep holding parties until
four in the morning the night before

you have to be at work or have an essay
due. Surely the Canadian government
hasn't put any kind of legislation in place

against chocolate launchers, right?

Build a birdhouse

It’s time to change how you look at all
this candy. Just tell yourself: It’s

not candy; it’s building
material! Using
KitKats, Coffee
Crisps, and
Mars Bars, in
conjunction
with a quite
frankly
disturbing
amount

of super

glue, you

can make an
adorable little
Halloween
birdhouse

for all of your
feathered friends.
Just make sure it’s all
sealed up in glue—chocolate’s

not actually that great for birds, after all.

 
  
 
  
  
 
 
 
  
  

Make a thought-provoking
art installation

The Vancouver modern art scene is
all about transformative works, so dig
down and find that pretentious
beanie-wearing, craft
beer-drinking artist’s
soul and make
e. something
«beautiful out
—. of what you
) have on
hand. If you
want to be
really edgy,
you can
turn it into
a political
statement.
Stack up
that candy
in the shape of
a politician, or one
of those small children
who didn't have the courtesy
to come by your place on Halloween
even though you decorated and

theotherpress.ca

 

remember Santa, but not the elves.”
Bongo began to weep again. “But I really
need a job. I have a family to feed. I
might even sell my juggling balls or

just send them to a children’s charity.
Actually, I will probably do that. Maybe
get me some good karma points. Maybe
people will like me again.”

carved pumpkins and everything.

Use it as inspiration for a humour
article when you run low on ideas

Wait, how did this one slip in here?
Not everyone writes for a newspaper.
Alright, scratch that, let’s move on.

Turn it into one enormous
bar of candy and just eat it

Alright, cards on the table here:
There’s no saving us from ourselves.
We're gonna eat that candy one way or
another. Either while binge-watching
Luke Cage or nervous snacking while
waiting for America to collapse in on
itself after the recent election, that
candy is going to end up inside of us.
We'll ride the sugar high like beautiful
ethereal beings riding unicorns made
of sucrose and the legal amount of
carcinogenic ingredients allowed

in consumable products, and we're
going to crash and burn like brilliant,
flaming comets of candy wrappers and
regret. No need to deny the inevitable.
Give in, dear readers; give in!

Image via thepioneerwoman.com