www.theotherpress.ca

HUMOUR.

 

‘Syrian Civil War disappears from headlines, so probably fixed, experts say

Liam Britten, Contributor

anadians breathed a sigh

of relief on Thursday as
the civil war in Syria came toa
conclusion, or something.

Peter Hubert, father of three

and a Syria watcher with over
nine months of experience,
declared the formerly war-torn
nation “A-okay” after seeing no
mention of strife in the country—
or indeed any mention of Syria
at all—in the news for a whole
week.

“Yeah, I guess they got it
all figured out over there now,”
he told the Other Press in an
interview at his town house and
centre for international policy
analysis in Coquitlam. “There’s
nothing in the Province about it...
Thad a feeling it would clear up
soon, anyway.”

Hubert said he was unsure
how the war ended, what caused
it to end, or where Syria exists on
a map. However, despite these
unanswered questions, major
combat of note is well and truly
possibly over.

“Those UN guys got
together, solved the problem, and
they got a peace prize because of
it. I mean, come on, they don’t
give out peace prizes to people
who don’t stop wars.”

The Syrian conflict’s
resolution—or whatever—joins

a long list of issues that once
dominated the news cycle only
to disappear once they were
solved—we think.

It joins global warming,
homophobia in Russia, the
disappearing rainforests, and
First Nations poverty on the
scrapheap of history’s unheard
about, assumed fixed, problems.

Other experts with almost a
full year of knowing the nation
of Syria even existed joined
Hubert in his enthusiasm about
the Syrian situation’s presumed
return to normalcy.

“Tt was really weird,” said
local dental hygienist Sandy
Rho of Delta. “It was like, one
day, thousands killed in gas
attacks and violent government
crackdowns, and then, poof, it’s
off the front page and it’s like
it never even happened. Funny
how international politics works
sometimes, eh?”

Hubert echoed those
sentiments.

“Tt seemed like the last few
months you couldn’t open the
paper or go on Yahoo! News
without seeing something about
that awful country. But now you
don’t, so it’s great they figured it
all out,” he said. “Now it looks
like the big threats today are
just the US government shutting
down and whether or not
[Canucks coach John] Tortorella
can get the Sedins scoring again.”

     
  
  
 
 

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Photo illustration by Joel McCarthy

 

Pipeline to be made of biodegradable materials

Appeased
environmentalists
win moral victory’
over oll company

| Natalie
Serafini
Assistant Editor

assistant@ theotherpress.ca

n what has been termed a

“moral victory” by many,
environmentalists have
succeeded in convincing
Enbridge to construct their
pipeline out of biodegradable
materials. The pipeline—which
will traverse from the Alberta tar
sands in Bruderheim to Kitimat
in British Columbia and on to
foreign markets—will be made
out of a biodegradable plastic.

“This is what we've been

fighting for. Obviously we
would prefer if the pipeline

wasn't here at all, but within

a year, it'll be like it never

was here,” said Golly Gee, a
spokesperson for Oil Have None
of That.

Where a traditional pipeline
made of metal could take
centuries to decompose, and
even regular plastic could take
50-80 years, biodegradable
plastics decompose into the
environment within a year.

“This sets a precedent
for pipelines to come. And as
long as they’re coming, we
might as well make them as
environmentally friendly as
possible,” continued Gee. “The
plastic will be made out of
recycled pop bottles, it will exist
harmoniously with plants and
animals while it’s sharing space
in the environment, and it will
decompose seamlessly into the
habitat in a year—maybe even
less, with BC’s fantastic fungi
and rain!”

Enbridge initially seemed
skeptical if not dumbfounded

by the proposal, releasing a
statement asking, “Are you
serious?” Now the company
has switched to supporting the
initiative, agreeing to produce a
biodegradable pipeline.

Asked why they
would support the use of
environmentally friendly
material in this project, an
Enbridge spokesperson said,
“It’s cheap.”

Following Enbridge’s more
recent commercial featuring
chipmunks frolicking on the
pipeline, naysayers have
asserted that Enbridge must
be after good press. Self-
proclaimed cynic Paula Fastone,
said, “It sounds too good to be
true and, as a cynic, I don’t trust
things that sound too good to be
true.”

Regardless of intentions,
environmentalists have
been extremely supportive
of Enbridge’s willingness
to produce a non-pollutive
pipeline.

 

Photo courtesy of andrewcparnell (Flickr)

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