humour // no. 22

 

> Unwind with these six uniquely scented candles

 

Jessica Berget
Staff Writer

 

eing a student is tough. Admit it:

Youre barely holding it together as is.
With all the stress we have to deal with
on a day-to-day basis, it’s a wonder we
haven't all gone completely apeshit. At
the end of the day, all we want to do is
run a bath, read a book, and relax witha
calming scented candle. For those times
when you feel like you're about to fly off
the handle, light one of these incredibly
effective, stress-relieving candles and feel
your scholarly agony just melt away.

Student Debt
Amazing! This hyper-realistic candle
smells exactly like the burden of
your $40,000 debt being burned
right in front of your very
nose, making this our most
effective stress-relieving scent.

losinc

Class Gets Cancelled
Is there any better feeling in the world
than discovering your class has been
cancelled? I doubt it. And now there's
no better fragrance. This candle
combines the bliss and contentment
of finding out the class you were
dreading all day has been cancelled,
along with the gratification of
not having to leave the house
at all. Simply sublime.

Free Textbooks
No need to shell out $300 this
semester for your textbooks,
this amazing, long-lasting
candle will provide you with the
scent of brand spanking new
textbooks, absolutely free!*
*(Actually for $27.99.)

Bias

theotherpress.ca

a

O ale

yb aed oe

Cancelled Plans
The most satisfying feeling is now
the most satisfying scent. If your
anxiety is at an all-time high, lighting
this candle will put you in complete
euphoria. You'll wonder why you
don’t cancel all your plans all the
time, every single one of them.

Photo by Analyn Cuarto

House Full of Groceries
There is nothing greater than
coming home after a long day

of cramming your head with
knowledge than finding out your
house has been blessed with food,
oh glorious food. Now that beautiful,
calming feeling can be relived,
and smelled—in candle form!

Did Well on a Test You Did Not Study For
We've all been there. You did not study for this test because you were too busy

thinking about what other professions you could try if you dropped out of school

right now. Maybe professional juggling could be fun? You already juggle with your

hopes and dreams on a daily basis. You get the test back you for sure thought you
failed, only to realize not only did you pass, you killed it, dude! This candle provides
the scent of the utter ecstasy of acing a test you put no effort into studying for, with
a hint of disbelief that you even passed at all. The result? Complete transcendence.

Douglas student lands joke in class

> Earns laughter, eternal respect from fellow students

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

A fourth-floor history class was

iven a new lease on life this past
Monday when a brave and talented
student risked his social standing to
interrupt the lecture with a short joke.

“You have to understand, it was
such a daring move,” said one witness,
Dorothy McToto. “You know, people
try that shit all the time—quipping
from the side, trying to be the wry class
clown or whatever. Usually you just look
like an insufferable ass-hat who’s seen
one too many John Hughes films. But
this time... this time was different.”

The student in question, Callum
L. Ikaseum, is said to have been a
quiet, studious, and attentive classmate
before this historic moment..

“By this point in the semester, we can
usually figure out everyone’s niche in the
class,’ said another student, Name Name
(pronounced “Naim Nah-mey”). “You
know, you've got your Know-It-Alls, and
you've got your Nappers. You've got that
one person who's always on their phone,

 

 

and that other person who's always on
their phone but better at hiding it than
the first person. Then you've got at least
three or four wise-ass dipshits padding
class time with unnecessary jokes and
puns and quips that honestly aren’t even

Illustration by Ed Appleby

fucking funny, it’s just annoying, really. So
it’s always super refreshing when someone
actually lands a funny joke, and usually
it’s more likely to grab a laugh if it’s not
coming from one of the pre-established
wise-ass dipshits. Callum was just quiet.

No one was expecting this joke from
him. That’s what made it so funny.”

According to many sources, the
class enjoyed a hearty and healthy 4
minutes and 53 seconds of laughter
before settling back in to the lecture
material. This falls within the ideal
laughter length, between three and five
minutes, indicating Ikaseum’s admirable
prowess in the art of classroom jokes.

“We've taken a vote, and it’s official—
Callum’s earned our eternal respect and
devotion for his incredible jokemastery,”
said McToto. “It’s what every class clown
and prankster is shooting for, but it’s
rarely the career jokesters who achieve
it. It’s a very exciting occasion for us. In
fact, it hasn't happened since 2ou1! It’s
something to be proud of for sure.”

For all the talk of this joke and its
incredible powers to inspire laughter
and joy in those who hear it, no one
can quite seem to remember it.

“I just remember it being really
funny,” said Name. “I think that’s the
important bit at the end, right? Not what
the joke actually was, but whether people
laughed. And I laughed, so it must have
been funny and worthwhile. Right?”