? Roommates Angry About Jerk-off's Long Showers What began as a suspicion has exploded into full-blown accusations in apartment #140 at Inlet Drive’s Westview Manor, as Nate Wells and Razeen Mohammed have had enough of roommate Darryl McCaskie’s “ridiculously long” showers. “There’s no way that there’s just sham- pooing and soaping going on in there,” Wells said last Thursday over a few beers in the trio’s living room. “I’ve got longer hair than him and it still takes me only five minutes to shower. Ten minutes tops. Darryl’s in there for 15 minutes at a time, sometimes 20. You can’t tell me its only cleanliness he’s working on in there.” Added Mohammed: “T like to be clean as much as the next guy, but you should see this guy’s grin when he comes out of there. It’s unnerving, man.” The two began to suspect a problem early on when McCaskie would take showers at all hours of the day, but chalked it up to his self-professed obses- sion with cleanliness. But on Monday, during their weekly movie night, Wells and Mohammed came to the realization that McCaskie’s obses- sion wasn’t with cleanliness. “Nate had picked up K7// Bill: Volume 2,’ Mohammed recalled, appearing visibly uncomfortable, “and we were just chilling out and enjoying the flick when buddy gets up and says he has to shower.” “We were like ‘what the fuck, dude?” Wells chimed in, cracking open another beer from their 28-can party pack. “It was the best part of the movie, where Uma’s all kung-fuing Darryl Hannah’s ass, and the guy just ups and leaves. What’s with OCuober = ab/a0n that? Then it dawned on us...he’s a show- er stroker.” The two roommates say that it all made sense after that. “The times he’s taken reading material into the bathroom before a shower; his ‘pre-date shower ritual, as he calls it; the endless times he says he’s just treating himself to a conditioner,” Wells listed. “It all added up.” “Do you remember when I started washing the dishes and forgot that he was in the shower?” Mohammed asked Wells, a light bulb going off in his head. “The water temperature changed, I guess, and he came out of the shower all angry and said that I had ruined the mood.” “Yeah,” Wells said, “I thought that was a joke or something, But now...” The three 20-somethings, all students at nearby Simon Fraser University, have shared the three-bedroom apartment since September. Wells and Mohammed became friends over the last two years and met McCaskie in a legal ethics class during the spring semester. “We did a class project with Darryl,” Mohammed recounted, “and he seemed all right so we started hanging out a bit. We hit a few bars over the summer and he never cramped our style or anything, so Nate and I thought ‘What the hell?’ and asked if he’d be interested in sharing a pad with us.” “Now, I don’t even feel comfortable in my own home. And forget about the bathroom—l’ve been showering at my girlfriend’s the last few days.” Since Wells currently has no girlfriend, he has had to shower at the local YMCA. McCaskie’s mother, a devout Catholic, was understandably upset by the accusa- tions when asked for comment. “Nonsense,” Norma McCaskie said by telephone. “My boy knows what he can and can’t do before God’s eyes, and that’s something he can’t do.” “Besides,” she added, “he’s always been a clean kid, ever since his early teens. He’d splish and splash in the tub for hours. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, you know.” When asked if her son would be avail- able for comment later on, McCaskie said that it would be unlikely as he had an optometrist appointment. Asked if the appointment was to check for blindness, as Mohammed and Wells had suggested, McCaskie responded: “No, no, I don’t see why they would think that.” According to psychologist Chris News to Peruse, Amuse, and Confuse Brandon Ferguson, Fake News Editor Davies, masturbation can be a delicate sit- uation to confront. “You’ve got to be gentle with it, because if you attack too vigorously you risk bruising their ego and making the whole situation aggravated and raw,” he said from his office on Friday, a framed mantra of “Love Thyself” hanging next to his PhD. “T counsel parents to coax the admis- sion out of their children, be warm and tender, and always, always avoid rubbing them the wrong way—that just makes the child testy.” “And be direct,’ Davies reminded. “They'll never come around if you just beat around the bush all day.” When he was informed that the mas- turbator was not a child but a university student, doing it in the shower with room- mates only a closed door away, Davies changed his tune: “Oh fuck that. That’s just wrong. Spunk all day in your room if you want to, but other people have to use that bathroom.” Mohammed and Wells are now seri- ously considering eviction. “He’s a decent enough guy,” Wells lamented, “but I’ve got to feel comfort- able in my own home. I can’t walk around unsure if it’s soap or splooge on the ground. If there’s a Kleenex left out, I’ve got to know for certain that at worst ’m picking up a snotty rag and not someone’s spirit rag. God, guy, I’m just gagging thinking about how many times I’ve cleaned up around here....” Wells then left the room to gag. Mohammed was more to the point. “Look man, I like the guy, and we’ve all got our urges, but not while others are around. Nate’s more of a ‘happy resolu- tion’ kind of guy, and I dig that, but a man’s got to be the king of his castle, and I don’t want some joker jerking off in my castle all the time. What you do in your bedroom is your business, but you don’t bring that shit out into a common room. It’s just wrong. When he gets home, I’m telling him that he’s out. “Then [ll tell him to go fuck himself.” You are not alone The Students’ Union’s Pride Collective provides resources for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered students at the college. The Collective meets Thursdays at 4:30 in room 328 in the students’ union building at the New Westminster Campus. All lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered, questioning and allied students are welcome. Douglas Students’ Union Canadian Federation of Students Local 18 DUNEPPPeSS | &