the other press

 

>>> OPINIONS

The truth behind classified ads

 

Erin Culhane
OP Contributor

If you're in the market for a long-term headache, wasting time and
general misery, might | suggest buying a used car? When ICBC
informed me that my car was a “total loss” after being rear ended, | took
to the classifieds.

It is important to keep in mind that the people that place classified ads
for used cars are generally liars. While a little white lie may seem harm-
less enough, | wasted many hours going to see cars that weren't even
close to the ad's description.

| don't quite understand why people misrepresent their cars, because
it's not as though they aren't going to be found out. | liken the typical car
ad to me placing a personal ad that says: SWF, 36-24-36, blonde,
petite, early 20s. Wow, don't | sound all tiny and perfect. But my date
might be a little perturbed when he sees a 5'10" redhead, pushing 30,
with a waist that hasn't seen 24 inches since Grade 2. So what's the
point of lying?

Here's a few of the most popular car ad lines:

— Low Kilometres: Since when does an odometre reading of 268,000
constitute low kilometres?

— Immaculate condition: Careful with this one. What one person calls
immaculate, can often be more accurately described as rust on wheels.

— Good condition: You know what good condition gets you? About 86
different stains and some rancid odours. A few of the cars | saw were
just nasty. It might have been a rotten piece of fruit, or dirty socks, or
maybe urine. I'd have to wait for the toxicology report to know for sure.

— Needs minor work: Unless you're handy, don't even bother. "Minor"
could mean the transmission (and I've heard its function is quite impor-
tant to a car).

— Lady driven: This is my favourite. Ladies are so dainty and careful,

and treat their cars to regular oil changes and tune-ups. Anything less
would be against the rules of being a lady. Watch out for ads that say
“gentleman driven” because those gentleman drivers are bad news.
They drive hard and fast with no regard for regular maintenance of their
cars.

— Fun to drive: Is that guaranteed? Well, gee if it's fun to drive then I'd
better buy it, because that's where | look for my fun, behind the wheel
of a car. But wait, can | have fun driving if I'm a “lady driver"?

The silliness and lying isn't just in the ads. Some people continue to
misrepresent their car over the phone. When | called about one “lady
driven” ad, | asked the seller if there were three seatbelts in the back of
the car. She assured me there was, so off | went to Mission to see the
car, and wouldn't you know it, the third seatbelt had disappeared. | don't
think wasting my time is a very ladylike thing to do.

| became a bit of a liar myself when examining the cars. I'd open up
the hood and take a look at the engine, the motor (and whatever else
is kept under there). I'd nod, rub my chin in deep concentration as
though | had any clue about what | was looking at. I'd ask questions
with unwavering authority. “When was the timing belt replaced? What's
left on the front brakes? Can | see written confirmation of these 'regu-
lar oil changes' of which you speak?” | may not understand the function
of the constant velocity boot, but that didn't stop me from demanding to
know when it had last been replaced.

After three weeks of searching | finally found a car on the weekend—
right here in Maple Ridge. The seller had every oil change receipt and
invoices for all work done. It may not be beautiful, but I'm just thankful
the whole process is over. | guess if | had to describe my new wheels,
I'd say:

Convertible sports car with low kilometres, no scratches, fully loaded,
a riot to drive, four seatbelts in the back.

That's about as accurate as my personal ad.

>>>otherpress 10