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Men forced to Ce
mental Shieeshatt
express em]

   
    

women af
institutic

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

> ‘What does this have to do with
me, though?’ ask many \f

 

[° the wake of walking mouldy
yam Donald “It’s just locker
room talk” Drumpf’s horrific
remarks regarding women, and
many victims coming forward
with stories of alleged assault
by the Republican candidate,
many decent, respectable men
are facing a tough situation: They
must now attempt to empathize
with humans whose genitals do
not necessarily match their own.
“I mean, I don’t know,”
said everyman Tad Watsisnutz,
shuffling awkwardly and looking
uncomfortable. “I feel like it’s
wrong? I just—I mean, it’s hard
to put myself in that situation. It’s
a women’s problem, you know?
I just don’t know what it has to
do with me. I mean, I’m single,
no sisters, and I don’t like my
mom very much. It’s hard for
me to, I don’t know, understand
that side of things. It would force
me to look at women and see,
like, people, instead of things I
could potentially have sex with.”
“Tt has everything to do with
me,” blustered Republican party
member Johnny Comelately,
who has now declared support
and withdrawn support for
Donald “I’m a sexual predator”
Drumpf 15 times in the last two
weeks. “I mean, I’m a person
who owns—I mean, has a wife. I
have daughters. I have a mother.
I’m unique in this aspect, so it
gives me some insight into their
side of things. Did you know
women actually don’t like being
touched without permission?
No one knows that, but I do.
It’s because of this that this
issue affects me, personally,
so I’m very upset about it.”
“At first, I found it difficult
to get too mad about it,” shrugged
Todd Spunk, a Libertarian media

expert who was most recently
seen leaving angry comments
on YouTube channels covering
the Hillary Clinton campaign. /
“I was adopted by a single dad,
went to an all-boys school,
and I don’t date. But then I
found out that I’m biologically
related to a distant cousin who
has a girlfriend who likes Gary
Johnson, and I was like, whoa!
It just suddenly occurred to me
that like, women can think? And
imagining a person who like, you
know, experiences sentience kind
of like a guy does being talked
to the way Donald ‘If she weren't
my daughter I’d be dating her’
Drumpf talks to women? I felt...
almost something resembling
anger. Pity? It might have been
pity. It didn’t feel too good”
When asked what they
would do if someone verbally
or physically assaulted a
woman in front of them,
the responses varied.
“Td have to like, really
make sure something bad
was happening before doing
something,” said Watsisnutz.
“Like, words are words, so that’s
okay, but if he was touching her?
I don’t know. Maybe she winked
at him or something. Or was
wearing a short skirt. Who knows
what she could be thinking? I
keep hearing people tell me that,
like, women mean yes when
they say no, so who can tell?”
“I would react the same
way any man would react
if someone touched their
things without asking.” said
Spunk. “It’s not polite to lay
eyes or hands on another
man’s woman. It’s in the Ten
Commandments and everything.”
“I don't know,” said Spunk.
“Tm still trying to wrap my
head around the ‘woman are
people’ thing. Maybe ask me
again in a few years? Maybe
lll figure it out by then.”

Image via thinkstock

 

 
      
 

we'll gick ue wha
TSay we Pick vF

 

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB

By David Manky, Senior Columnist