Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Love hurts when you're in love
with a knife. It’s also embarrassing
to explain to the doctor how that
knife got stuck in there.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Hi, are you single? Well, I’ve got
news for you! You're still going to
be in the friend zone.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Love makes the world go ‘round.
Abusive relationships make

the world go counter clockwise
around the sun.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

By the power of the planets, your
future career will be a middle
school janitor. You’ve always had
an aptitude for cleaning up poorly
spelled vandalism.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

You can be a star in my new
documentary! It’s called Horoscopes
and the Idiots Who Kead Them. In
fact, you’re being filmed right now!
Yes, that fly on the wall is actually
a camera.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

You will have strange dreams
tonight about the Angry Sun from
Super Marto Brothers 3. Your dream
will also have chickens with the
wings of angels. It’s supposed to
mean something mystical.

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Good news! You have just been
signed up to be a guest on Jersey
Shore! Whatever you do, don’t use
the hot tub there.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

You could spend much of your
day working on end of semester
projects, but more likely you'll just

end up watching reruns of Malcolm
in the Middle.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

If you’re single, you might want to
join an online dating site. I’m sure
that person brandishing that knife
in her or her profile photo is very
trustworthy!

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Today, your home will be host to
an anime club. They’Il force you to
watch Inuyasha all night long and
make you choose your favourite
pairing. You also have to fight to
the death with the person that
disagrees with your pairing of
choice.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

Have you been reading romance
novels lately? Well, you’re going to
be disappointed when you find out
that real life has a lot less product
placement.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/22)

You will earn a lot of money as

a dance major if you work three
shifts at Chuck E. Cheese’s. You
might want to keep hand sanitizer
with you at all times.

“With files from Livia Turnbull.

 

 

By Eric Wilkins,
Chief Underperforming
Team Correspondent

Sedins purchase invisibility

cloaks

With the Canucks bound for the
playoffs, the Sedin twins have begun
their annual playoff tradition. For
those who are unaware of the twins’
unique ritual, be informed that it is
no mere growing of a playoff beard;
it is much, much more.

The Sedins were spotted last week
making their usual purchase of

a pair of invisibility cloaks at an
army surplus store. “We had some
trouble with consistency issues

last year,” said Daniel. “Last year’s
model didn’t quite work. You could
actually see us at times. So, we
decided to step up from the civilian
model.”

The Sedins were reportedly in
frequent contact with former Canuck
Markus Naslund in order to get the
best quality this year. “’Nazzy was
practically impossible to find in the
playoffs in any given year,” piped
in Henrik. “We figured he’d know a
thing or two about what to buy.”

Naslund could not be found for
comment.

“Our clients are typically more
than happy with our product,” said
Invisibility Cloak Enterprises (ICE)
CEO Dissa Pear.

With the new cloaks in hand,
the Sedins appear well-prepared
for the Canucks playoffs run, once
again proving that there is never a
time when you appreciate not seeing
Swedish twins.

Canucks trade fan favourite

for useless giant, go on losing
skid

Several weeks ago, the Canucks
began a streak of less than
satisfactory results. It has been
reported today that a leading cause
of this is the loss of third-line centre
Cody Hodgson. The fan favourite
was averaging approximately a
point every other game when he
was dealt for the hulking Zach
Kassian. All the more impressive
was that Hodgson was doing so
with about half the ice time allotted
to the first two lines.

While Hodgson has recently
found his feet with the Sabres,
Kassian has proved himself to be
little more than a big man on skates,
scoring all of two points with the
‘Nucks to date.

The recent Canucks skid has
often been blamed on lack of
motivation since they have already
locked up a playoff spot, but it
seems all too coincidental that it
occurred around the same time
Hodgson was traded. Many were
incredulous of the move when it was
made, believing it to be a hoax, and
it has been regarded as one of the
more unpopular trades in Canucks
history.

Many are left waiting for the
nightmare to end and for it all to be
revealed as some horrible prank.

Oh wait.

21