ksent to power of Emperor
Hitler-esque political refer-
e second film, which some
bert argued bogged it down,
pire is born right alongside

clusion is brilliantly assem-
of Yoda, Obi-Wan, Padme,
dren, and, of course, Vader
rious detail. For the film to
le is very appropriate. Of
ual treats are plentiful.
s hoping for a somewhat
pace battle akin to those in
1 six, but that didn’t happen.
bhics do not alone make the
saber duels, however, are
h making it hard to watch
rth Vader pace around each
ics in the original film.
ot discuss Star Wars with-
e stellar sound design and
Williams. Williams is one
composers of our time
one person who has done
H work in every film. His
ntinues to do what sound-
d do, amplify the emotional
while remaining unnotice-
looking for it. Bravo.
bing the gun when I say S#ar
pturn to the big screen. The
ble for five of the top 22

eaking first-week box-office
to join the top five). This
lhe franchise’s marketability
m toys to comic books, may
le for Fox to not milk the
d, while George Lucas has
with Star Wars, it would be
at none of his disciples
o carry the torch and bring
through nine. Normally, I
roblem with this type of
WVars has always been the
t success in my mind. It’s a
es generational boundaries,
e from four-year-old kids
arried mega-nerds who
se. It has changed the way
bf the science-fiction genre
hat’s more, it is simply one
s of fantasy the motion pic-
as created that would be
Pb onto future generations.
be with you OP readers! Pll
br the midnight showing of
2011.

all time (and with Revenge of §

june 8/2005

 

 

elcome to a new feature in the ol’ A&E section. Here, we

will be dragging from the ashes of pop culture’s sordid past

various disgraceful pieces of arts and/or entertainment.

They will be placed in this little corner of the paper in a set of
metaphorical stocks, so we may gawk at them and throw fruit. And
hopefully we can get a cheap laugh or two at the failed creative enterprise
of some poor misguided souls from our past. This week, in keeping with
our Star Wars-y theme, I present to you: The Star Wars Holiday Special.
A little background is necessary here. The year was 1978, Star Wars
had become a critical and box-office success as well as the latest pop-cul-
ture fancy. As such, it was exploited to a degree that every imaginable
object was being sold with a Star Wars logo on it. With this in mind, the
marketing machine moved to the small screen in the form of a two-hour
special featuring all your favourite characters played by the film’s actors,
and interspersed with performances by comic genius Harvey Korman,
Golden Girls star Bea Arthur, and The Jefferson Starship. Sound like a
good idea? Oh wait, it gets better. The main “story” revolved around
Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca back to his family (Chewie had a frig-
gin’ family?!) in time for the wookie holiday, Life Day. Chewie’s family

 

 

consisted of his wife Malla, his father Itchy, and his son Lumpy. I could-
n’t even make this shit up, folks. What’s more, the television special was
written by the writers of Police Academy and Full House, and directed by a
guy whose previous credits included Disney on Ice specials and the live-
action segments of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show. How could it
possibly fail?!

Where does one even start? I could mention the substandard produc-
tion levels, the lame sets, the reliance of scenes from the movie for
special effects shots, or the bad acting by every single member of the
cast, except Harvey Korman who somehow managed to stay funny, But
those were not nearly the worst parts of this thing. It opened with six
bloody minutes of all wookie dialogue between Chewie’s family. Now,
it’s fine in the film to have Chewie growling with Han talking English
back to him; but with only wookies it’s not just incomprehensible, it’s
hard on the ears. Of course, it all ends when Grandpa Itchy turns on the
holographic chessboard so the family can watch Cirque du Soleil. Not
really them, but close enough. Also horrible were the gratuitous three-
minute cameos by a darkly tanned Luke Skywalker and a strung-out
Princess Leia. Carrie Fisher was clearly deep in her blow phase. Even
worse was the lame attempt to make “Lumpy” cute when he was possi-
bly the ugliest wookie on the block. With his dad away fighting the
Empire all the time, that kid must have had the living befreakinjesus
kicked out of him on a daily basis.

There were only two good parts about this monstrosity. One was the
inclusion of a preview episode of the cartoon series Droids. That was,
after all, the first appearance of Boba Fett. The second good part was
the commercials from 1978 that are still on the copy I snagged off the
Net. Paranoid Cold War newsbreaks, union commercials imploring peo-
ple to buy American, makeup commercials that...are the same as today’s
makeup commercials, and, of course, Tobor, the robot you can control
with your telesonic commander. Tobor, it’s robot backwards, from
Mattel. If you want to subject yourself to the pain of all this you need
look no further than your local P2P pirating software. The wonderful
postscript to this story is the attempt by George Lucas over the years to
buy every copy of the special and have them destroyed. He failed, of
course, and thanks to the internet it will be available forever. But, come
on, Georgy, it can’t be any more humiliating than all the Jar Jar crap you
tried to hock back in 1999.

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