210 Five dating bios to get a date ~ this Valentine's Day > Love is in the app! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor I: almost time for the best day of the year—Valentine’s Day! “How could that be your favourite day of the year, Isabelle?” you're probably asking. Well, though I approach the areas of love and relationships with the crusty outlook of a war veteran, I love drugstore chocolates and the colour red more than the average person. No special someone for V-Day this year? Don't fret! Try updating your dating app bio to any of these—guaranteed to make you say, “Thanks, Isabelle! You have great hair and good style and I genuinely like you as a person and think youre very funny and charming” I love my mommy This lets everybody know that you already have one special girl in your life—and it’s the one who gave you life! This bio has Horoscopes » How will you spend Valentine’s Day in 2020? ax the added bonus of showing that you're compassionate, loving, and value the strong ties of familial bonds over all else. When messaging potential dates, be sure to tell them that although your mommy is number one, there’s room in your heart for two (three including your father)! Bonus points if all of your photos are of you and your mom. NEED DATE ASAP WILL PAY This strong opener shows that not only are you assertive and know what you want, you also have the financial means to back it up. What is the date for, you ask? It doesn’t matter! The all-caps conveys a certain urgency that tells your potential sweetie, “You better move FAST because I have a social function that needs a date AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!” Haggling over the price will make a sweet story to tell your future children. We are a couple, looking for a third ;) People love seeing this bio. It shows that Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca youre able to be in a committed, stable relationship and are able to organize your time well. Make sure to add that you love rave music and that you're both sober but are 420-friendly. When they show up for the date, they'll be shocked and amazed to find that they’re the only apple of your eye! Ménage a deux! Here for a good time, not a long time (because I’m going to prison next week) Like NEED DATE ASAP WILL PAY, this shows that if anybody wants to nab you in time for Valentine's Day, they better shoot their shot! It also has the added benefit of showcasing you as a badass. What are you Five dating bios to get a date ‘She really left it all at the gym' May contain traces of nuts? Who cares?! e ...and more! going to jail for? Who's to say? Perhaps a... crime of passion? let’s kiss This is my very own tried-and-true Tinder bio. Note the lack of capitalization and punctuation—it shows you're too cool to be constrained by petty things like grammar. It’s forward, so people know you're DTF (down to French). It’s vague, not telling too much about you. And finally, it’s the one I’ve been using for years with a mixed success rate, and I’m much too jaded and tired to change it now. Happy Valentine’s Day! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Yr probably already know how your Valentine’s Day is going to play out. What, you don’t know what you'll be doing next year? Don't worry, I looked to the stars to find out what youll be up to on February 14, 2020! ARIES (March 21 — April 20) Congratulations! You've had your seventh child with your partner and you live in a cottage by the seaside. You have a successful, prosperous business of training Shetland ponies, and are looking forward to a successful crop of heirloom tomatoes in the coming spring. TAURUS (April 21 — May 21) You've been on and off Tinder so many times that they've made you the CEO! On your first day on the job you fall for the first person you see—your secretary. The power imbalance makes your relationship so, so, wrong—so wrong it’s right! You spend your Valentine's day with your illicit lover. Spicy! GEMIN| (May 22 — June 22) You bundled yourself away all winter and as a result have no special sweetie this Valentine’s Day. But don't fret! On February 14 you will buy the biggest, cheapest jug of red wine you can find and text your ex—yes, you still have their number in your phone. You'll both discover that you were meant to be together and fall deeply, madly back in love for approximately a week. CANCER (June 22 - July 23) You decide to take a semester abroad and spy a new hottie atop the Eiffel Tower. You'll spend the entire evening sending flirty glances at each other, before—oops! You realize it’s your own cousin. Crisis (mostly) adverted— youve made several graphic hand signs that will make things really awkward at the next family reunion. (July 24 - Aug 23) Another Valentine’s Day alone, Leo. But don’t worry! You have more than enough friends to share it with. The only snag is all of them are in relationships! Spend all of V-Day trying to break them up by sending Photoshopped images to them via anonymous emails. VIRGO (Aug 24 — Sept 23) Thanks to the wonders of the internet, you've met a special someone in a chatroom for Shiba Inu lovers. You immediately hit it off and trade pictures on Valentine’s Day—and realize youre chatting to the one and only Menswear Dog! Youre a human, and he’s a dog, but he is kind of cute... LIBRA (Sept 24 — Oct 23) Mazel tov! You're married to nine different lucky people. That's right, the poly lifestyle is the one for you. Think you don’t need to get Valentine's Day gifts? Think again! Rush around to every convenience store you can (and shell out over $200 for last minute gifts) or else youre sleepin’ in the doghouse, Libra! ‘SCORPIO (Oct 24 — Nov 22) You've found the perfect one for you! That’s right, you've embraced the fact that you're a full-blown narcissist and the only person who can ever come close to your impossible standards is yourself. Spend Valentine’s Day making out with yourself in a full-length mirror. Ss SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 — Dec 21) Instead of focusing on love and romance this year, try looking inwards and realizing that you hate yourself. Switch that around this Valentine's Day by taking yourself out for a nice dinner, a movie, and topping the evening off with a good ol’ jerk-fest. Have fun! CAPRICORN (Dec 22 — Jan 20) This is your time to shine, Capricorn! Dress up as Cupid (complete with diaper) and hide in the bushes, shooting people with real arrows. It may be illegal, and you might be convicted for manslaughter, but it’s all in the name of love, right? 4g. AQUARIUS oS (Jan 21 - Feb 19) You've found the perfect crush, but they don’t know you at all! Spend the day letting them get to know you by cutting out letters from magazines and leaving nice notes for them like “I WATCH YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP” (your favourite hobby) and “YOU SMELL LIKE VANILLA’ (your favourite scent). They'll be bonkers for you! PISCES (Feb 20 — Mar 20) You've given up on love and live in a cave by the sea. As the nights get longer and lonelier, you fashion a companion from old driftwood and seaweed. They're the most thoughtful and compassionate lover you've ever had, and you grow closer day by day. Beautiful!