The Other News

Afghanistan parliament passes “No fat chicks” law

By Liam Britten

fter a week of international
. condemnation following the
passing of a controversial law

that severely limits women’s rights,
Afghanistan’s parliament is again
facing criticism from women’s rights
advocates, this time for a law that will
restrict the waistlines of women across
the nation.

The law has been informally
dubbed “‘al-Hitteets’ Law” for its
inventor, Amir “I'll Hit It” al-Hitteet,
Afghnaistan’s minister for standards
of bangability, and aims to restrict the
weight of Afghani women to no more
than 130 Ibs. Al-Hitteet has said this
law is necessary to maintain the “moral
dignity” of the nation.

“Afghanistan is a nation on the
rise, and we must be able to present
ourselves to other nations with pride if
we are to be taken seriously,” al-Hitteet
told parliament last week. “And you
know for sure that if the other countries
find out we’ve got all these fat bitches,
they will totally rip on us. It sucks
when Switzerland gets going with the

 

“Yo mama’ jokes, and you just know
they'll never stop once they get going.”
The bill has been described by
observers as a measure to gain support

for the government from ethnic

Hazaras, a large voting bloc that is not

only a key demographic in the next

election, but also “can’t stand BBWs.”
“Afghanistan is supposed to be a

law into practise. Plus-sized burkas
have been removed from all shops, and
religious figures throughout the nation
have declared a “fatwa on fatty foods.”

The international condemnation
has been swift and unrelenting; Canada,
the EU, New Zealand and Australia
have all issued official statements
rebuking this new measure, but perhaps
the strongest criticism came from US
President Barack Obama.

“The American government, and
indeed the whole of the American
people truly see this bill for what it is;
an attack on basic rights and freedoms,”
Obama told reporters during a press
conference. “It is an attack on the
rights and freedoms of every man who
wants a woman with a little meat on
her bones. And I know this for a fact;

I come from the Chicago, so not every
guy I grew up with wants to date a
skinny gal like Michelle [Obama].
Haven’t you ever wondered why
Mo’nique is so damn popular?”

Added Obama: “Besides, those
heavy girls give great head... er, so I’ve
heard.”

nation that’s rebuilding, getting rid of
all the chaos, the hatred, the wreckage,
the garbage and the junk of the
Taliban,” said Hazara politician Haji
Mohammad Mohagiq. “But if all that
junk is simply becoming junk in the
trunk, what’s the point?”
Afghanistan’s civil service has
already made progress in putting the

 

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