Canucks start season off on the wrong skate

» A new challenger ap

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

ust when Canucks fans

thought that they were safe,
a whole goalie controversy has
erupted during the opening of
the regular season.

Following the trade of
second-string netminder and
Vancouver favourite Eddie Lack,
the Canucks were left with
starter Ryan Miller and backup
Jacob Markstrém.

Miller was set to play the
Canucks’ opening game against
the Flames in Calgary, until
a last minute deal was struck
that moved both Miller and
Markstrém to Florida.

We spoke to GM Trevor
Linden about the trade: “Yeah, it
had to be done. There was just
so much goalie controversy over

proaches!

: the past few years in Vancouver,

: we were done with it. In fact,

: this was the plan all along.

: People call Vancouver the ‘Goalie
: Graveyard, and rightly so. We

: don’t have any goalies left

Tad

When asked if that meant

that the Canucks didn’t receive
: a goalie during the trade to
: Florida, Linden laughed.

“Hell, we didn’t get

: anything! Well, other than the

: comfort of knowing we won't

: have to deal with any more

: of those big padded weirdoes

: anymore. Honestly, they're such
: divas.”

With the net empty, the

: Canucks have elected to go

: for a six-player approach,

: revolutionizing their game and
: intimidating the other NHL

: teams.

“I mean, teams do it all the

: time in the last few minutes of

: the game. And look how many

: goals they end up scoring? Just
: think how great we will be

: offensively with a whole extra

: player the entire game. It will

: be like we are constantly on the
; power play,” Linden said.

“Besides, you don’t see any

: goalies in other major sports,

: and just look how big of a

: scoring area football has! It’s

: an out-dated system and we're :
: going to show the sporting world :
: something game-changing.”

The Canucks lost to the

Flames 22-15 last Wednesday, in
: the highest scoring game in the
: history of hockey.

We talked to one of the

Sedins (the ginger one with the
: goatee) shortly after the game.

“Yeah uh we tried our best,

but the effort wasn’t there. We
: just have uhh a few kinks we
: need to work out and uh we'll

 

: be winning more games,” Sedin
: said.

With the lack of goalie, the

: Canucks defence withstood 37
: total blocked shots in the game,

Image via flickriver.com

: with three of them resulting in
: players having to leave the game
: due to related injuries.

“They’re just defencemen,”

: Linden said. “We can find more.”

 

Scare yourself silly at Fright Night this October

» Just when you thought it couldn't get any scarier

Chandler Walter
Humour Editor
S humour@theotherpress.ca

right Night: the epitome of

Halloween-themed teenage
date nights. Prepare yourself
for a night at Vancouver’s most
terrifying theme park with this
list of what is in store for you.

Rain. Is there anything
scarier than being stuck
outdoors with no hood or
umbrella? You could have
grabbed that frilly, pink one that

but what would everyone think
of you then? Better to be wet
than humiliated. Feel the ever-
expanding cold creep up your
limbs. There’s no running from
hypothermia.

Entrance pat-down. Think
you've got that half a mickey full
of fireball securely stuffed down
the front of your pants? Think
again. After being groped by the
overly serious security guard at

: the front gate, be ready to have

: your one solace against the cold
: confiscated. Not to mention how
: bad you look pleading to the

: guard “just please let me in” and
: “no please you can’t phone my

: mom.” Off to a great start.

Actors. One of the creepiest

: things about fright night is the

: weirdos stalking the walkways,

: jumping out at you and trying

: their best to be the “character”

: they have been assigned. You try
: to tell him “dude, chill,” but he is :
: forever trapped in the persona of :
your little sister had in her room, : a maniacal clown ora chainsaw
: killer. These poor theatrical
: people. It chills the soul.

Lines. What could be

: scarier, spookier, or downright

: creepier than having to stand

: in one spot for what seems like

: hours? The water from everyone
: else’s umbrellas gathers and

: drips down the back of your

: shirt. The small talk you try to

: make with your date is staggered:
:; and awkward at best. There’s no

: escaping. You are trapped ina

: claustrophobic mosh pit of your
: own doing. There’s no way to go
: but forward now.

The houses. After being

: drenched, humiliated, and
: made to stand for hours, you

: are finally admitted into the

: haunted house. It’s dry, slightly

: warm, and there is no one

: pushed up against you except the
: blonde who's friends with your

: friend’s girlfriend. She’s scared,

: or at least pretending to be. She

: clings to your arm as you walk

 

: by papier-maché mummies and

: green Jell-O. This is the happiest
: you've been the entire night.

: But alas, you reach the most

: terrifying of all: the exit. Back

: into the cold dark outdoors from
: whence you came. Your doom is
sealed.

 

  
 
    

Pun, 2,3
: Ti'
PRESENT
Anott dauc*
bay

  

(ge)

  
  

T sHovlD
Switch Te
A CANISTER

 
   
     

 

 

eung23, TUMBLE

IOINGINUOD ‘TayTeEM Yeres Ag