CARDIAC ARREST February 4, 2008

 

 

INCONSISTENT BIOMIX

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By Jared Gowen
TO P lS) REJ ECTE D solution, tips and computer Su do ku
ny e RI CAN Se LADIATO a programs at www.sudoku.com © Puzzles by Pappocom
American Gladiators, a show popular in the early 90's, has been 3 8
brought back for a revival this season. What Gladiators didn’t make the

 

cut for the new season?

5..eeseees ‘Fruity:” a male gladiator whose sexual orientation would 4 5 1 3
make him a total outcast among the gladiators, as he would
have no straight guys to hang out with.

4a sseseees “Strength:” a female gladiator whose strength as a womyn
could never be handled by the vile male-dominated patriarchy
that is America.

3.000222. “Courage:” a male gladiator whose fear of giant foam blocks 5
and pools of water with fireworks launchers on the sides is
tragically crippling.

2.sss20202 “Dallas:” a female gladiator from the 1995 season, however,
like all things from 1995, she is still owned by VH1 for “retro”
purposes.

1......... “Eagle-killing, flag-burning, abortion-loving Terrorist:”
misread audition notice, believed he was applying for
Un-American Gladiators.

 

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TOP 5 MOST NOTABLE STAT et] 2

 

 

 

OF THE UNION PROMISES

 

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President Bush gave his final State of the Union address last week. What MEDIUM #21 ST WEEK'S SOLUTION
notable remarks were made by the President during this speech? 12915 3 617 4 8
5...2s022s Promised that Guantanamo prisoners will be no longer be Fill in the grid so that every Ss aln 3
; : ; : § 4611 7'812 3.9
subjected to hours of torturous waterboarding, but instead will row, every column and every pooh
be subjected to hours of totally awesome boogieboarding! 3x3 box contains the digits 1 8.3 719 4 216 1°55
4.....s... Guaranteed the deficit will be recouped by selling off nuclear through 9. That means that no 7 5 216 9 4411 8 3
missiles “to the least shady-looking dictators we can find.” number is repeated in any row, 9 1312 8 5146.7
S.ss222222 Will institute a national esteem boosting project by column of box 6 3 4i7 13 5 | 9 9
setting America’s relationship status from “Single” to “It’s :
Complicated.” 2\71'148 (619 315 4
2.seseeeee “Fuck it, we'll take a mulligan on Iraq, start fresh with Iran.” 3.9 514 2 118 7 6
1.,........ No fat chicks. 4 i 6 8 3 5 i 7 9) 9 r 4
i i ‘ : i

 

 

 

 

 

 

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