Seemann aS eg ie > ES bent ye me Ae RRR et ee ene Vm ar Ot eA (amram an yt eee the &ther Press Volume 23 © Issue 3 * September 23 1998 Room 1020-700 Royal Avenue New Westminster, BC V3L 5B2 submit@op.douglas.bc.ca Fax 525.3505 or 527.5095 David Lam Campus Room a3107 Phone 527.5805 The Other Press is Douglas College’s autonomous stu- dent newspaper. We've been publishing since 1976. The Other Press is run as a non- hierarchical collective, which means that if any- thing goes wrong, blame it on Trent. The OP is published week- ly during-the fall and winter semesters and monthly [as a magazine] during the summer. We receive our funding from a student levy collect- ed every semester at regis- tration, and from local and national advertising rev- enue. The Other Press is a mem- ber of the Canadian University Press (CUP), a cooperative of student newspapers from across Canada. We adhere to CUP’s Statement of Common Principles and Code of Ethics. The Other Press reserves the right to choose what to publish, and what not to publish, but usually we print everything, unless it is racist, sexist or homo- phobic. If you have any quibbles with what we choose, maybe you should get your lazy butt down here and help. Coordinators Athletics ~ Hamish Knox sports @op.douglas. bc.ca Athletics Assistant: Culture ~ Jochen Beirptumpel a&e@op. douglas. bc.ca Culture Assist: Coquitlam ~ Lorenzo Sia cog_coordinator@op.douglas.bc.ca Coq. Assist: CUP Liaison ~ Cathy Tan cup @op.douglas. bc.ca CUP Assist: Distribution ~ Vacant Dist. Assist provided by: Features ~ Annette Martin features@op.douglas.bc.ca Feature Assist: News ~ Homan Sanaie news@op.douglas.bc.ca News Assist: OP/Ed ~ Tom Laws opinions@op.douglas.bc.ca OP\Ed Assist: Photography ~ Dave Tam photo@op.douglas.bc.ca Photo Assistant: Kristina Holtz Production ~ Joanna Cole production_co@op.dougilas.bc.ca Production Assistants: Webslinger ~ Mark Smeets op_web@op.douglas.bc.ca Web Assistant: Employees Advertising ~ John Morash ad@op.douglas.bc.ca Bookkeeping ~ Zahra Jamal Production Resource ~ Joyce Robinson production@op.douglas.bc.ca Editorial Resource ~ Corene McKay corene@mortimer.com Contributors Jennifer Sim, Holly Keyes, Jim Chliboyko, Mike Quong, Anita Lee, Julia Cornestor, Andrew Sunstrum, Allyson Grace, Sean Ryan, Jason Humber, Derek Turberfield, Marcel Martin, Jason Kurylo, Kevin Sallows. “Honey, I love you just the way you are, even if you don't have big, brown owls.” How many times have you heard this line, ladies? More than you'd care to admit? Perhaps youre not making the connection. Big brown owls? HOOTERS! The connection between the two is astonishingly easy to see. Oh sure, we could get caught up in the fact that Hooters hires only big-breasted . women, but useless things such as facts not only tend to ruin reality, but can also wreak havoc on a busi- ness such as this. If you haven't heard of Hooters, take your head out of your ass and keep reading. Another restaurant review; who cares, right? Ahh, the inevitable catch! You see, Hooters hires only females as servers, and these females have huge (huge!) breasts, and know how to flaunt them. How in the world did the founder get away with such heresy in the days of PC crap? A name like ‘Hooters, big-breasted waitresses, just a coincidence? An incredible coincidence, in fact. You see, Hooters is a restaurant about owls. (Now don't you feel all dumb and presumptuous?) It’s so obvious isn't it? Outside of Hooters hangs a large brown and orange owl cutout with, coincidentally, huge (huge!) eyes, that have little tiny black spots in the middle of them. And yet peo- ple rush to such harsh judgments. And the logo on all their merchan- dising is an owl. Would they lie? The guy who founded the organi- zation is a genius not only to the n Ode to Owls restaurant owners of the world, but to businessmen of every type the world over. Years ago, bar owners put out peanuts, pretzels and super salty foods—at the cost of many thou- sands of dollars—in order to get people to pack away more booze. But what could be an easier way to get men to drink than having a woman ‘accidentally’ drop a fork and bend over to pick it up, or wear a T- shirt three sizes two small and stretch every once in a while? They could even have such things written into their contracts when they start. Keep in mind, I am not making this up. Pamela Lee has a clause in her contract to have at least sixteen cleavage shots per episode, otherwise she is docked pay. So, take a page from Hasselhoff’s bible, write in something like that, and BAM! guar- anteed, independent, financial free- dom! Why pay for nuts and salts when you merely have to pay a pal- try five dollars per hour to a wait- ress? Both parties knowing full well she’s going to make at least 30 times that wage in tips anyway. And the owl itself? Another stroke of pure genius. What better way to get rid of those politically correct, non-smok- ing, latte-drinking, incense-sucking yahoos than.to make your mascot a wild bird from the great outdoors who live in the trees these yahoos hug? Not only has the owner grasped another demographic to come into his restaurant (those aforementioned yahoos who think it’s a wild bird sanctuary or some- - thing) but has also done away with the negative connotation given to the word “Hooters.” In fact, the only place where the founder went wrong is in not cor- nering the market. He should buy out “White o;:0t”—the restaurant with the sexua: innuendo that fright- ens men out—and change the name to “G-spot” to pack in the ladies with orgasmic-like foods loaded with aphrodisiacs. Stuff the menu full of oysters and chocolate-covered strawberries and have them served by topless males wearing Speedos or football pants that bring out the ass. Mmmmmm....sacralicious. The growth potential is nearly endless. Open another restaurant called “Long Dong Silvers” where the specialty is seafood. (but not shrimp) or a bakery called “Buns.” The latter would do very well indeed, for as men like breasts (natu- ral or nay) all the women I’ve known like a nice Eutt on men. But that wouldn't be th. theme, of course. “Buns” would be a bakery slash diner where they bake every sort of dinner roll known to mankind. The Kaiser for example, or the Sourdough. The fact that “Buns” would hire only men with butts like Van Damme or Keanu Reeves would be, of course, purely coincidental. But let’s return to Hooters. The founder, God bless his double D heart, has even saved himself from the scrutiny of crappy news- See? Owls Damn it . magazines like Hard Copy or Inside Edition (which diffe from the Enquirer chiefly in the fact tha they are televised) by putting that great and wonderful wild fowl out- side all his stores. Even mediocre news programs like Sixty Minutes 20/20 who pride themselves on uncovering racial and sexual inequ. ities can't touch him. Why? Because he discriminates outright! He makes absolutely no attempt to cover anything up, thus taking away all of Morley Safer’s hard-hitting, angst-ridden question But the founder is also about giv ing money back into the communit A few years back, Hooters would not hire a male (I am seriously not making this up) because he was male. So, in a way of giving back, you (if you're male) can apply, not get hired and sue like the original Hooters Male did. Take the compa ny to court, it will probably pay fo your court expenses as long as you promise to go to the press. Any pu licity is good publicity. So, as I said to my girlfriend when she approached me about get ting breast implants, “You know honey, I love you just the way you are.” Well, those weren't my exact words, I think the exact words wer “Oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy.” Letter ’m sorry that anyone is offended I: any column appearing in the Other Press . Solution: Don’t read the column. In Canada, we as individuals or groups have the right to express any opinion we choose in any manner we choose. In a place like Douglas College where there are many diverse people and groups, we have to learn to accept the opinions of others as opinions. If I don't personally believe the same thing as ‘Disagree with Devil's Advocate? ‘Hate Reverend Tom? ‘Have an opinion ‘about someone else's opinion? someone else, that person dias not need to be silenced so I’m no longer offended. The day that a person is forced to change his manner of expression -~ ~void offending anyone is the day v - 10uld all be very sad Wnite it down and send it to us in room 1020 New Westminster or room a 3107 or even email us at submit@op.douglas.bc.ca and disappointed with our society a whole. Joni Cri Page 2 September 23 1998 The Other Press