Opinions

 

 

 

Writing Opinions
is a Piece of Cake!

Brady Ehler, OP Opinions Editor

ee of you may wonder how,
week after week, we Other Press
opinions writers are able to churn
out the exciting and enlightening
content that appears each week in your
favorite college paper. Well, it’s not
as insurmountable a task as one might
expect! There are just a few simple
things you need to keep in mind to forge
a good opinions article, so read on, and
all will be revealed

The first thing you need is a topic.
Usually you can just choose anything
that you think is relevant or strikes your
fancy. Sometimes you have to adhere
to a theme, and sometimes the goonish
collective members of The Other Press
will choose a theme that asserts their
goonishness —like cake for example.

Fear not though, even in the face of

6

 

near-incomprehensible ridiculousness,
there is a way to come up with that
shining, golden opinions article that you
had planned to write— you just need

a good idea—just choose a specific
topic within your theme. Sometimes, a
bad theme can actually be helpful, and
you can use it as inspiration for being
humorous. If that fails, you can always
just use it as a framing device.

Next you will need a slant. In
layman’s terms this means you take the
position that something about your topic
is either horribly wrong or wonderfully
fantastic. For example, let’s pretend
you’re writing about cake. It would
be interesting to claim that cake is the
perfect food. It’s easy, observe: cake is
delicious and nutritious. Cake is easy
to make, easy to bake, and it makes
everyone happy. There is a reason they
eat the stuff on birthdays, weddings,

 

holidays, and any other occasion that
reasonable people can think of. Also,
there are near endless varieties of cake:
chocolate cake, angelfood cake, sponge
cake, cheese cake, marble cake, coffee
cake, etc. (always write “etc.” at the end
of a list, it makes it seem longer). Cake
is just plain awesome, no matter how
you slice it (see how I worked in that
pun? Good, you’re learning quickly).

Conversely, you could claim that
cake was conceived by the Satan, and
that no good will ever come from it.
Observe: cake is a cancer on society
and is evil. Why do you think it is
sometimes called “Devil’s food cake”?
Cake is fattening, it’s unhealthy, and
is responsible for the deaths of over
one billion unborn chickens every year
(remember, this is an opinions article, so
you can get away with murder).

Whatever you do, never, ever choose
a neutral slant, nobody wants to hear a
flip-flopper ramble on about how cake is
tasty, but might not be the best thing for
your cholesterol levels. Choose a side
and stick to it, or your readers will lose
interest, and more importantly, you’ ll
probably be bored while writing your
article.

Now that you have the substance of
your article all lined up, all you need
to do is write it. To do this, sit down at
the computer of your choice and press
buttons until your article is finished.
Keep in mind that you should have
some sort of set-up, some discussion,
and finally a conclusion. If you were
writing a piece of Dragon Ball Z fan
fiction, these would be the beginning,
middle and end sections of your story.

For your set up, just present some
background information. You could use
the Internet for research, go out into the
field, or just come up with the “facts”
yourself. Remember, this is an opinions
article, so if you word things right no
one can call you on your bullshit. For
example, instead of saying, cake is
most commonly eaten dessert on Earth,
you could say, cake is the number one
dessert on Earth.

Once you have finished your
set up, just ramble on for a couple
hundred words, and offer some sort
of conclusion, like this: Since cake
is inherently evil, and is a threat to
Christian values, I suggest that we
build gigantic bonfires and hold
massive multi-national cake-burnings.
Furthermore, we should outlaw flour,
eggs, sugar and milk. If we take these
simple precautions, we can make sure
mankind will never again be plagued by
another cake.

So there you have it, it’s a piece
of cake to write an opinions article,
so quit lounging around and being
unproductive, you slacker. Go write
down your opinions for The Other
Press. It’s easy and fun, so go write one,
and when you’re done you can reward
yourself with a nice big slice of cake.

 

My
Girlfriend
is Crazy!

Denis Orellana, OP contributor

B lue ones, red ones, high ones,
flat ones: no matter what the style or
the color; most women I know have an
obsession with shoes.

A few months ago, my girlfriend
went on a backpacking trip throughout
Europe. For three long months she was
out on her own exploring the wonders
on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean.
She left with three pairs of shoes,
which she had stuffed into a 60 pound
backpack filled with only the essentials.
But along the way, she managed to pick
up some strays. Nine pairs to be exact —
in all fairness, one pair was for me. But
regardless, this trip was supposed to be
about broadening her horizons, not her
closet.

Every time the subject of footwear
is brought up, she points out that her
“acute” intrigue with shoes is nothing
to worry about, and that it can hardly
be called an obsession. She goes on to
tell me about a close friend of hers that
owns over 300 pairs. Therefore, I should
consider myself lucky. Who in their