Chretien Shows Judge His Balls Former Prime Minister Jean Chretien testified last Tuesday at the Gomery Inquiry (commissioned to investigate the sponsorship scandal) and he left them rolling in the aisles. The bulbous-headed Chretien, who is a master at talking out the side of his mouth (I mean that figura- tively), spent the entire day on the stand defending his role in the $250-million program to restore feder- alist faith in Quebec in the years following the 1995 referendum squeaker. The plan was carried. out by various ministries, including Public Works and the Ministry of Canadian Heritage. During his testimony, Chretien denied the “Unity Fund” was clandestine and maintained that while he was aware of it, he remained detached from the process of distribution. Critics, however, have pointed to the millions that went to ad firms that worked for the Liberal govern- ment, with very little work being done in return. “Those mistakes that were made in good faith can be excused,” Chretien told Justice John Gomery. “Any that were made in bad faith are inexcusable. If some people acted in bad faith or for personal gain, they betrayed the prime minister, they betrayed my government, and they betrayed the country.” Part of the fund went towards golf balls with the PM’s signature on each one, a move that Justice Gomery publicly called “small-town cheap.” To rebuke this point, Chretien pulled golf balls out of his briefcase signed by such small-town boys as for- mer president Bill Clinton and current asshole George W. Bush. He also showed off golf balls from Ogilvy Renault, the law firm of chief counsel Bernard Roy, former Conservative PM Brian Mulroney, and Justice Gomery’s daughter. After teeing off on all his opponents at_ the inquiry, Chretien explicitly connected PM Paul Martin with the scandal before announcing that he was “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.” 6 | www.theoth erpress.ca News Wears Short Shorts Brandon Ferguson, News Editor Wrestlemania in Mesopotamia Newly crowned Palestinian presi- dent Mahmoud “Dancing Queen” Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Ariel “Don’t Call Me Shirley” Sharon squared off at a peace sum- mit in Egypt to leg-drop negotiations and hammer out details of a tentative peace agreement. Reaching an agreement will be an Andre-the-Giant-sized struggle, but if the US can keep their Hacksaw- Jim-Duggan diplomacy out of the Middle East’s way, we may see these Junkyard Dogs come to an agree- ment and garner international Dino Bravos. As Abbas promised upon elec- tion after Yasser Arafat’s on-again off-again date with death, he has returned to talk peace with the Israelis in an attempt to quell the five-year reign of ping-pong attacks and death. This meeting has been made possible by the recent beefing up of Palestinian security in areas of the West Bank where terrorists are known to play. Unlike previous promises of an increased presence of Palestinian security forces, this time they appear to be working, or at the very least, not shooting at Israelis alongside the terrorists. Sharon has in turn promised to return his military operations to its pre-millennial moxie of coordinat- ing arrests with Palestinian police (rather than just having them blow shit up on their own whim). Israel has also promised to release 500 Palestinian prisoners immediately, with another 400 to come later, and return security control of five West Bank towns to the Palestinians with- in three weeks, starting with Jericho. With the Walls of Jericho being guarded by Palestinians, Israel will be absolved of the Palestinian peo- ple’s tyrannical impression of them, earned for consistently laying the smack down on mostly innocent Rock throwers. I don’t mean to be Rick Rude, but the world should Koko B. Ware the likelihood that this is all fake and for show. Similar talks between Sharon and Abbas happened two years ago with no peace. now that the Ultimate Warrior Arafat is dead, hope for peace is soaring like Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka off the top rope. If peace doesn’t stick, and both sides don’t follow US President Honky Tonk Man’s roadmap to peace, we may see more Sergeant Slaughter. Eat your vitamins and However, pray, sucka. Homophobic Killer Gets Off Easy A high-profile case of gay-bashing has ended with bewildered disap- pointment as Ryan Cran, 23, was handed a six-year sentence for mur- dering Aaron Webster with a baseball bat in an area of Stanley Park frequented by gays looking for anonymous sex. Two other youths, who were underage at the time of the November 17, 2001 beating, received three-year sentences, the maximum jail term under the Young Offenders Act; another man was tried in adult court and acquitted. All four were charged with manslaugh- ter. Gay groups, people against mur- det, and those who are all-around fans of life, are aghast at the lenient sentence given to the ringleader of this attack. In their confession, the accused killers and convicted homophobes claimed that they were going to Stanley Park to look for Peeping Toms. While delivering the sentence, presiding Judge Humphries said: “What is so chilling about this case is that this group seems to have done this for some reprehensible and almost inconceivable concept of entertainment.” Although the Criminal Code allows stiffer sentences for hate- crimes, the Crown chose not to pursue this course. “If ever there was a crime that cried out for hate- crime designation, this was the case, and the buck stops on the Attorney- General’s desk,’ former MP Svend Robinson said, stealing the spotlight rather than diamond tings. Responded A-G Geoff Plant: “There was no evidence to support a charge of gay-bashing.” No, I suppose not. A group of pimply boys, brimming with sexual angst and uncertainty due to female rejection, taking a baseball bat to the “gay stroll” of Stanley Park to look for Peeping Toms who were presum- ably peeping on squirrels, fauna, and all that gay sex going on. Yes, these weren't homophobic troglodytes so much as gay-tights crusaders, pro- tecting anonymous sexual partners from the peeping eyes of perverts. No, I suppose it’s all too logical to be gay bashing. FEBRUARY 16/2005