issue 8 // volume 44 humour // no. 23

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> Chain hopes to appeal to millennials

Duncan Fingarson
Contributor

 

pence Diamonds is the most recent

addition to a long list of companies
that are adopting new strategies in
the face of a changing marketplace.
Spence, which mostly sells engagement
rings and other diamond jewelry, has
been hit hard by what some are calling
the “Millennial Crisis.” In an effort to
recapture the millennial demographic,
Spence has now introduced a new line
of organic, fair trade, locally sourced,
free-range, gluten-free diamonds.

“Tt’s an established fact that
millennials aren’t buying as many
diamonds,” Spence spokesperson, Spencer
Spencington, said when contacted by

Left hook

the Other Press for further details on
the new product line. “We're really not
sure why—they probably blew all their
money on avocado toast, or something.
Who wouldn't want diamonds? They're
really shiny; everyone loves shiny things.”
Similar to the marketing campaign
for lab-grown diamonds to be framed as
“Artisan-created,” the new diamonds are
reportedly “no different, except bigger,
and also happier.” The new diamonds are
“hatched from diamond eggs, and allowed
to roam free,” according to Spencington.
“We have the first and only free-
range diamond ranch in the Lower
Mainland,” Spencington continued.
“We're trying to keep it local and in
line with our values of offering what
people really want. We're also very

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glutensinee

 

active in maintaining a truly organic
and natural process. Other diamond
companies keep their diamonds locked
in tiny cages around the clock—they
never get to see the light of day, or feel
the grass under their incredibly sparkly
feet. You won't find any of that here.”

The Other Press had the opportunity
to visit Spence’s new diamond ranch, and
can confirm that everything Spencington
said is true, and not at all a marketing
scheme. The diamonds are, as reported,

very large, and incredibly sparkly. There

is plenty of room for them to roam,
and they seem much happier than the
diamonds commonly seen confined
to tiny glass cages in jewelry stores.
“It’s heartbreaking, what they do
in those stores,” local jewelry shopper

> Fight breaks out after woman is asked if she is left-handed

Jillian McMullen
Staff Writer

 

Ax a violent interaction with a
ellow student last Tuesday night,
a Douglas College student was left
wondering where he went wrong.

A fight broke out after Andrew
Wright, a communications student,
approached fellow classmate Audrey
Gauche in the school library and asked
if she was left-handed. Gauche, who had
been writing notes with her left hand
at the time of the inquiry, allegedly
dropped her pen and, without hesitation,
swung at the unsuspecting first-year
student. What ensued was a full-blown
student brawl, with many students
getting caught up in the confusion.

Eric Palmier, a close friend
of Wright, said the scene quickly
spiraled into total chaos.

“He didn’t expect that left hook
of hers—he didn’t even see it coming.
After that first hit, people went wild
and started joining in. I think I saw
one dude threaten another with a pair
of left-handed scissors,” he said.

Another student involved in
the event, Philomena Phalanges,
supported Gauche.

“Good for her. Stand up for
what you believe in,” she said.

Gauche spoke with the Other Press
upon leaving a disciplinary meeting with
the dean this morning, and maintains

that she was provoked by Wright.
“What's with everybody always
interrogating and undermining lefties?
Why is the first instinct people have when
they see you writing with your left hand
to ask ‘Are you left-handed?’ Like, how am
I supposed to reply to that? ‘No, I’m not, I
just like to mess around sometimes?’ It’s
ridiculous,” she said, throwing her hands
up. “So, yeah—I snapped. It’s not like he
gets what it’s like being left-handed.”
Gauche listed a number of struggles
she faces, some of which included
notebook rings being constantly in the
way of note-taking, and can openers
that only work using your right hand.
She also claimed the school allows
more privileges to right-handed students.
“How many of the auditoriums
provide an adequate number of those
fold-out desktops that are appropriate
for left-handed students? Even if there
were enough, they’d always be occupied
by right-handed students,” she said.
The Leftist Lefties, an on-
campus student organization, will
be holding a rally in support of
Gauche. They are campaigning to
have the school enforce a policy to
help combat the daily disadvantages
left-handed students experience.
“We're just sick of our voices
not being heard. The incident
with Ms. Gauche is just another
example of the frustration us lefties
have felt since childhood,” said
the organization’s president.

Crystal Miner told reporters. “All
those poor diamonds, stuck behind
glass like that. I haven't seen Spence’s
ranch, but I’m sure it’s totally legit. In
the future, I'll make sure to buy all my
diamonds from them. | hear they're
gluten-free, too, and you just can’t

say that about other diamonds.”

As the initiative is still new, it
remains to be seen how millennials will
react. The new, free-range, gluten-free
diamonds are not actually less expensive
than current options, just substantially
larger. There remains some concerns
that spending huge amounts of money
on sparkly rocks that aren't very rare
to begin with can't be justified in the
face of rising costs of living. On the
other hand, the rocks are very sparkly.

 

 

 

Illustration by Cara Seccafien Brush by Artistmef via Brusheezy.com