Shis issue:

(¥ Howto make your very own Oscar-bait movie script

(Y Missed (textbook) connections

( College Confessional...

And more!

Been told you're too funny?

Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

4 humour@theotherpress.ca
www.theotherpress.ca

 

‘It's not all fun and games’

» Cheater found guilty of not playing by the r

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

Ln last Friday night, police
officers responded to

what they believed to be an
average noise complaint in Port
Coquitlam. They were shocked
to find that there were only two
people involved, though they
could be heard from down the

street.

“I have never heard anything
like it,’ Sergeant Eric Vernes
told the Other Press during
an interview shortly after the
ordeal. “That woman, I never
knew a human could make such

noises.”
The woman in question
was Laura Pinwoodle, who had

been shouting so loudly at her
boyfriend that it forced the

afraid that there might soon
have been a homicide on their

: otherwise quiet street.

Pinwoodle had caught her

: boyfriend (who asked to remain
: anonymous) cheating, and

: though there were no physical

: altercations, Pinwoodle stated

: that she wished that were not

: the case.

“J just can't believe he could

: do this to me,” she told the

: Other Press later that night,

: while sitting on the curb outside
: her house, wrapped ina blanket
: and drinking a cup of tea

: provided by the officers. “Board

: games are what brought us tog

: ether, and when I saw him take

: that extra card—when I saw that :
: [expletive] cheat like that, it’s

: like I didn’t even know who he

: Was anymore.”

The officers made sure

: to doa sweep of the house,
: discovering missing victory
neighbours to dial 9u. They were cards in Settlers of Catan and
: weighted dice in Monopoly. It

> turns out Pinwoodle’s now-ex-

ules

: boyfriend had been cheating for
the entirety of their relationship.

“You really believe you know

someone, ya know? You truly

: believe that they are a capable

: Rummy player, and then just like
: that, they’re dead to you. I was

: so stupid. I don’t know how I

> ever loved him.”

We managed to get a

: statement from the male

: culprit shortly before he was

: wrestled into the back of the

: cop car, arrested for fraudulent

: behaviour.

“T just had to do it, you gotta

: believe me. She's just too good at
: board games! There’s no beating
: her, I had no other choice!” A

: sad excuse, fora sorry fragment

: of aman.

Pinwoodle is planning on

recovering from this ordeal at

: her mother’s house, and her ex
: will be facing 25 to life: a true

: example of our justice system

: doing what it’s meant to do.

 

 

Disgusting refrigerator receives annual cleanup

» Undergrads break the mould

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

 

ast Friday, the Other
Press confirmed via
David Schwartz, 20, that his
roommates had finally gotten

of their shared refrigerator.
Although scourging of the
fridge had been done in the
past, the actual resurfacing
of the act was considered an
unlikely event by all involved
parties. Even participant
Marcus Bell, 22, suggested the
sheer improbability of the act
occurring again.

While still donning his
surgical mask and tongs,
Bell shared the initial
planning of the event, which
required an environmental
impact statement and full

documentation.

“Yeah, we just kind of
decided that we should
probably have a fridge that
actually opened, you know?

: When the mould has mould

: growing on it, it starts to make
: our meals taste not quite as

: great. Last time I got a beera

: bat flew out of this thing when

: I opened it.”

Investigating directly

: into the source of the mess,

: third roommate Rob Hill

: : told the Other Press that

around to their annual cleanup : |... :
: his living companions were

: “really goddamn messy.”

: While munching ona pizza,

: he explained “I don’t even

: remember the last time I went

: in there. Eating take-out all

: the time gets a bit boring, but

: it’s better than trying to cook

: something. Once I did my

: biology lab just using leftovers

from within there.”

Indeed, the state of

the refrigerator has been

: investigated by grad students

: from a local university. “We

: found evidence of a new

: ecosystem inside that thing at
: one point,” said environmental
: science major Leo Cooper.

: “There are things in there

: almost as scary as my own

undergrad dorm fridge.”

it.

Despite the sheer amount

: of mould, foliage, and mystery
: objects found inside the

: communal fridge, Schwartz

: and Bell agreed that “most of

: the stuff in there is still good.

: Throw it in the microwave and
: most of the unrecognizable

: parts are burned off. Half

: of cleaning out the fridge

: was just making lunch and

: dinner. It only took a weekend,
: although we had to wait for the
: university to finish examining

so

As of Sunday night,

: the fridge was in an empty

: pristine condition. However,
: by Tuesday morning it had

: returned toa state of chaos.

: It currently houses half-full

: beer cans, Tupperware dishes
: containing unrecognizable

: types of meat, and 17 pizza

: boxes.

At press time, the fridge

: had been seized by mysterious
: government agents in

: biohazard suits. Schwartz and
: Bell are currently in intensive

: care for severe food poisoning.
: The leftovers remain uneaten.