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Avalanche, Avalanche, Bo-
Bavalanche, Bananafana Mo-

Mavalanche...

By Nikalas Tornado
Kryzanowski, Opinions Editor

ecently, the government
R: Quebec dropped a cold

shovelful of snow on a set of
Montreal parents who wanted to adorn
their bouncing baby boy, Logan, with
a somewhat unusual middle name—
“Avalanche.”

They’re not new to naming
they’re kids after cold nature themes.
Their other boy, afte: another drawn
out battle with the regisirar, has the
middle name “Glacier.” The family
cites their love of nature as an
explanation for these frosty names.

Naming our offspring is an
activity that probably predates
history. But today we’ve left it up to
bureaucrats to approve or deny our
kids “official” names. The state says
they are screening for names which
may bring ridicule, but one could
argue in reality that they’re actually
setting cultural parameters.

If you think about it, though, it’s
pretty darn easy to make fun of just
about any name out there. Some are
easier than others. But all you have to
do is tack on an insulting rhyme and
you’ re off to the races. Some insults
are actually a tradition. Especially
for the name Tom, probably the most
picked on name ever. “Tom Thumb,”
“Peeping Tom,” “Doubting Thomas,”
and “Tom Turkey,” all come to mind.
These nicknames probably stuck
thanks to one short, voyeuristic,
sceptical dope. ;

Making fun of other kid’s names
is practically an institution during
childhood. Granted some Quebec
parents have tried to get away
with some more hilarious names
before the registrar stepped in—like
Boom-Boom, Lucifer and Spatule
(technically a spoon-billed bird, but
literally translating to spatula). I’m

sure these kids were thankful for that.

So it’s not like the registrar is only
basing their decision on how well
each moniker goes into “The Name
Game” song.

Probably the most classic
example of playing on names is the
old traditional campfire song “What
Did Delaware?” It takes U'S. states,
converts them to girl’s names, poses
them as questions and then answers
it using another state. Della wore a
brand New Jersey, by the way, and
Cali-phoned-ya to say Hawai’i (How
are ya)?

You have to say it with a drawl

half the time but my point still stands.

People make fun of each other, it’s
natural! Of course once this song
loses its innocence we’ll hear that
Ida’s Ho (Idaho) is in Tex’s ass
(Texas), then where will we be?

The popularity of names come
and go; for instance, Ida, Bertha,
Minnie and Ethel were in the top 20
most popular names for girls in the
USS. back in the 1880s. Today it’s
the Madison and Addison show. One
wonders how the latter would have
been treated by the registrars in the
1880s.

For poor, young Logan
Avalanche, however, what a horrible
fate; people will constantly mistake
him for a boxer for the rest of his
life, right up there next to Rubin
“Hurricane” Carter and Billy
“Dynamite” Douglas. So there is
nothing to do but resign to the fact
that every kid in is his class will
wish they were named after natural
disasters too.

Who could ever get over that?

Fuming? Nodding? Sound off and
let us hear about it. Email your
comments about this or any other
story to opinions @theotherpress.ca

 

Baio

Grouse Grind: heroic mountain trek
or Mother Nature’s practical joke?

By Natalie Nathanson

iving in B_C., one thing we're

blessed with is the beautiful

scenery and our access to it. Yet
one thing that has always puzzled me is
the Grouse Grind and why people do it.

For years I have watched people’s
Facebook statuses exclaiming their joy
of their new record doing this so called
“Grind.” I decided to see for myself
what this was all about, but it was
mostly because my boyfriend had asked
I do the Grind with him as a birthday
present. Being the poor student I am, I
whole-heartedly agreed to this requ=:t.
At the time I was under the impression
that my boyfriend, the love of my life,
would never put me through anything
that would be deemed dangerous, over-
exhausting, or completely beyond my
ability. It’s just a nice little hike up a
mountain trail, right?

For those who have not done the
Grouse Grind, take this as a waming: it
should be called the Devil’s Staircase. It
is exactly what I pictured hell to be like:
climbing stairs for all eternity. That’s
basically what it was. 2,830 homibly
disfigured rocks they call “stairs” carved
out of a mountain that go on forever
and ever and ever. It’s actually been
known to be called “Mother Nature’s
Stairmaster.” Yes, a Stairmaster to hell!

Sheepishly I must admit that after
less than ten minutes I had to stop and
take a breather and looking back I could
still see the parking lot. But as out of
shape I am, there were a lot of other
factors to blame for my horrid display
of athleticism. It didn’t help that I had
only half a bowl of cereal to eat that
day, about three hours before going up. I
also have asthma, my excuse for getting
out of anything that requires sweating
profusely and deep breaths.

One of the problems with doing
the Grouse Grind is that you’re doing
it alongside those who are timing
themselves. Grind regulars like to time
themselves and beat their own personal
or Grind Timer Program records. That
means one thing— your lazy ass is in
their way. You shouldn’t be afraid of
the wildlife on the mountain when you
have these bears climbing with you.

So a word of advice for any would-be
climbers: if you have to breathe or stop
for anything, do it off the narrow path,
or you'll literally hear growling.

It took me one hour 55 minutes
to reach the top (where I proceeded to
collapse).

As a first timer, no one can blame
me and I can’t complain seeing that the
average is about one hour 30 minutes
with two hours being the average for
newcomers. However, the best recorded

time in 2008 was 28 minutes, and with
the best all-time (yet unofficial) record
being 24 minutes 22 seconds done

in 2004 by Jonathan Wyat from New
Zealand. That’s how long it took me to
do a quarter of the way!

Some people even do the Grind
more than once a day! The record
amount of times going up this 2.9
kilometre run is 12 times and is held by
Jason Chong and as well by Sebastian
Albrecht. Albrecht, a realtor for Royal
LePage, is attempting to beat his own
record on June 22™ this year, in an
attempt to raise money for the Royal
LePage Shelter Foundation. The man is
crazy.

If you are planning on ever doing
the Grouse Grind, here are a few very
useful tips that I really wish I had
known prior to ascending. Eat a lot
of carbs the night before so you have
enough stamina when you go up.

Have a light meal in the morning and
drink lots of fluids. Bring a bottle of
Gatorade with you when you go up as
it will replace the salts and sugars that
you lose while sweating which water
can’t replace. There’s a bathroom right
at the base of the Grind—use it! You
could be doing the grind for almost
two hours, get it all out while you can.
Bring a cell phone in case you nearly
die and an energy bar or some fruit

for a bit of a boost on your trek. Start
out slowly. The first half is long but
super easy compared to the rest of the
hike. It’s deceptive and a lot of people
(including myself) start out too fast not
saving enough energy for the hardest
and steepest parts of the mountain. Take
small steps and keep your eyes on what
you’re stepping on. If you feel fatigued,
rest. Collapsing on pointy rocks is the
last thing you want to do. If people get
smug and give you snobby looks for
taking a breather, mention how it’s your
third time going up that day.

And if you think you’ll get hungry
at the top, bring your own food. A
small, unfulfilling pre-made sandwich at
the gouge resort—oops, I mean, Grouse
Resort—is about $8.

Bring five bucks as well, in case
you'd rather take the nice pleasant
gondola ride back down instead of
gondola ride is kind of cool because you
basically get an aerial view of how far
you went and it’s really astonishing to
see the distance and just how high up
you climb, giving you a real sense of
accomplishment.

Fuming? Nodding? Sound off and let
us hear about it. Email your comments
about this or any other story to

opinions @theotherpress.ca