=aITana eae

 

 

By Chloé Bach, Arts Editor

anye, Kanye, Kanye... did your mother
kK drop you on your head when you were
young? Is that the cause of its permanent
swelling?

Recently, Kanye West became a fashionista.
He “designed” a shitty, unoriginal, over-priced
pair of plain red sneakers for Louis Vuitton, which
means, naturally, he has to change his name to
something more conducive to royalty.

Kanye has declared that “due to what has
happened— what has happened so severely when
the red shoes hit the runway, I was forced to
change my name to Martin Louis the King Jr.
Address me as such,” which he followed up by
saying “I’m going to go and take an internship and
just do something that’s like completely normal,
and just rap at the weekends or something.”

Ugh, Kanye. Why do you have to be a
walking stereotype?

First of all, that doesn’t even make any sense
(much like most of his blog entries). Maybe with

 

 

all the money he makes from his shoes he could
hire a PR rep to write his blogs for him— you
know, portray the intelligence that he is unable
to. Or, better yet, he could make a donation to a
children’s literacy foundation of sorts, make sure
the next generation’s hip-hop icon has a better
grasp of their own first language.

Secondly, why the hell would he have a right
to more or less name himself after one of the
world’s greatest and most eloquent civil rights
activists? Yes, buddy can put on a show, belt
out a pretty catchy tune and is, in my opinion,
artistically talented, but I can’t think of any
international, life-altering accomplishments of his.
It’s really an insult to the legacy of Martin Luther
King.

Enough is enough Kanye; your ego will be
the death of you, and as it stands, the only thing
you are the king of is being a douche.

 

 

 

 

Kiss fans, pucker up for a harsh reality check

By Jay Schreiber

(other than jocks, the VPD and
Republicans) it’s a famous rock
band with no musical drive whatsoever.

In the case of Kiss, their drive is
embedded in the eight-digit figures they
bring in from merchandise alone and
the blond bimbo in the front row who’s
going backstage after the set to play

|: there’s one thing I can’t stand

 

created a new show, Gene Simmons
Family Jewels. This show focused
on the life of the old fart as well as
his family and their spending habits.
Who the hell watches this crap? Has
American TV gotten to the point where
you pay for cable only to watch a show
about how rich people throw their
money around for extravagant bullshit?
The rest of the members of Kiss
are a mixed bag; Paul Stanley, guitarist

ring toss with Gene Simmons’ other
instrument.

The term “sell-out” is tossed
around a lot nowadays, but what does
it actually mean, and where did it
come from? In the 1970s, there were
two types of music that flooded the
airwaves: disco and hard rock (soon
to be known as heavy metal). Kiss
lead the resistance against disco with
the formation of what is known as the
“Kiss Army,” composed mainly of
pimply-faced 15-year-olds who hated
any dance music with a passion.

In 1977, however, Kiss released
the song “I Was Made For Loving
You,” and sent shockwaves through
all the soldiers under their command,
using a disco beat and lyrics that
could make anyone wearing Kiss
merchandise question their existence.
bi my friends, is the essence of

   

Vs

selling out. Kiss forgot about the fans
that followed them religiously and did

what they wanted to do all in the name
of money.

Who do I blame? Easy: Gene
Simmons, the god of selling himself.
Gene Simmons has made a catalogue
and a half of seemingly useless
merchandise all credited to Kiss.

After School of Rock became a
hit in 2003 and launched the career of
Jack Black, Gene Simmons jumped on
the ball. He created a TV show where
he himself is the teacher and teaches
British school kids how to rock. I think
a little part of me died after the pilot
aired.

As if that wasn’t enough, Gene
felt the show wasn’t focused on him
enough, and the egotistical bastard

and vocalist for the group is probably
the most tolerable member, due to his
stage presence and decent voice. Paul
has stayed with the group through
several line-up changes and has kept
a fairly level head. Ace Frehley, lead
guitarist and most talented member of
the quartet, is a complete buffoon who
wouldn’t be able to keep sober in a
monastery. ‘Nuff said.

Then there’s Peter Criss, the
wimpy one. A drummer with nine
cymbals and eight toms and still only
knows how to produce the most basic
rock beat. In addition, he was the
vocalist for the Kiss ballad “Beth,” one
of the lamest songs of all time. The cat
man of the group has probably never
been complimented on anything he’s
ever done and quite frankly, he doesn’t
deserve it.

I think Family Guys Peter Griffin

put it best: “Nobody wants to be Peter
Criss, not even Peter Criss!”

Right then, back to Gene. When
asked about all the money he’s made
and if he regrets selling out at all, he
simply stated, “My bank account is
happy and that’s all that matters.” For
every teenage boy that buys a Kiss
hoodie and thinks they’re part of some
greater organization: you should wake
up and realize that all that disposable
income is going right into Mr.
Simmons’ back pocket.

Gene sued King Diamond, a
prolific metal vocalist, for wearing
makeup that is too similar to that of
Kiss, but failed because of the hundreds
of other bands that also use similar
corpse paint. As Gene stated himself,
Kiss is rock brand not a rock band. He
then claimed that he also invented the
question mark.

While the Kiss army continues to
march on, it appears that their numbers
have only skyrocketed with new
products like Kiss dolls, Kiss bread
slicers, and the Kiss credit card that you
can purchase other Kiss items with.

There are only two kinds of people
that wear that much makeup in this
world: clowns and death metal groups,
and neither should be taken seriously!