HORRORSCOPE

Taurus (Apr. 20- May 20)

Your balls are itchy this 1997th year, Taurus.
What’s wrong? Well, for starters, you're dying to
make your grand debut, all dressed and ready to
glide gracefully down the stairway. Aged like a ripe
plum, your talent is ready to be noticed and
savoured, and is fit for the highest society. You
might want to check your outfit for any undetected
Stains or tears though, and make sure your shoes
fit. Those steps are often steep, begging to trip you
up. And the entire audience will be looking for that
cigarette burn that so insiduously made its way
from the astray and into your lap. This year
everyone is looking at you, even those who
hitherto expressed no interest. Taking steps before
you're ready will be risky. Don’t jump the gun. Time
is on your side, for this year is one of party favours,
champagne, and big band. And who should you
invite? Ah, the ever-foreboding Taurus indecision,
another itchy discomfort. This year you are the
master of your own choices, so only you can
decide on the guestlist. But beware, debutant, of
inviting those you don’t passionately want to see.
Gemini (May 21- June 20)

You've been smoking way too much. | know that
you know that we all know it’s really bad for you. A
vacation is definitely what you need, if not now,
then at least by the end of the month. Relaxation is
coming your way for the month of May, lord knows
you're in desperate need of it. Overworked.
Underpayed. Unhealthy. Chainsmoking.
Alcoholism. Take your pick. If you’re not already at
at least one of these destinations, you're soon to
be. A loved one has some simple but poignant

advice to give you, they might even want to take you
on a trip, say, to Hawaii. You'd be silly not to go. Put
away your pride for just a moment and enjoy the
view, it’s nice from time to time, you know.

Cancer (June 21 - June 22)

You are GOD, but everyone you try to tell just
laughs. Can you believe it? We know the truth, it’s
only a matter of time. Start questioning people’s
conception of the word ‘divine’ and you may get
some answers. In the meantime though, here’s a
Clue to finding Jesus: he prefers to wear blue while
driving something called a bus. Hmmm, figure
that....

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22)

| used to work with this bald guy named Leo. He
was thirty-five and still lived with his mother. He was
always pulling his pants up over his belly-button to
just below his ribcage. That way you could see his
ankles, not to mention the outline of something very
nasty. Why is it that the eyes wander to where
ugliness often lies? He'd say stuff like, “boy, do |
ever need to fart!” Did | mention that he was thirty-
five and still lived with his mother?

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22)

A shot of tequila washed down with a smoke
used to be your morning ritual. Jeez, what
happened? Now, you won't even have a stinking
beer at lunch! You've suddenly realized that there is
a limit, and that getting snot-nosed, rip-roaring
shitfaced at the likes of the Cambie is about as
attractive as day oid tuna left out on the counter for
the flea-ridden beast of a cat to munch on. Now,
you're making bets with your friends to see how long
abstinence can hold out for twenty bucks. That’s not

much fun.... The person who you had an affair with
just won’t go away dammit, but you don’t really mind
because of that crooked body part. Who are you
trying to fool? Hopefully that person you just gave
your resume to into thinking you're qualified. At any
rate, you're having an identity crisis at the moment.
Don't trick yourself into believing that the way to find
itis to give bad habits up.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

How many people have to kiss your ass before
you decide to shave it? It's been torture, kissing a
hairy butt all of these years. We're all tired of living
the lie, of telling you that you’re beautiful, insinuating
that you occupy the upper echelon of the astrology
classes, that you, oh pretty libra, are doomed to a
life of eating bonbons and sipping ever so daintily at
your chablis. Guess what? Everyone’s making fun of
you and pointing at your derriere when you walk....
Expect an interesting present very soon....

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

The road to Alaska isn’t as new as you think, in
fact, you been down it a few times before. This icy
destination is savoury at the moment because of the
amount of greasy plates you're attempting to carry.
You'll want to drop the ones holding the oily french
fries and dead cow burgers and let them smash on
the floor into a million pieces, where they belong.
The trouble is, you haven't been differentiating lately
between what's refined and what’s downright
shoddy. Don't let other people sway what direction
you want to take in life. You should know better, for
you've travelled down enough roads to know that
you can't escape from yourself.

Continued on next page...

 

 

a

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