Capricorn (12/22-1/19) Tonight you will dream about being a fish head. You will be stepped on. Did I mention that this dream will loop for about four hours? Aquarius (1/20-2/18) You could be working on a project with other people today, but to hell with it. Have another beer. Pisces (2/19-3/20) Today could be the day where you look around the house and think: “Oh, crap, I forgot to tape Glee!” Aries (3/21-4/19) Guess what!? Today’s the day you'll finally get your acceptance letter from Hogwarts! Too bad you're too old to go. Taurus (4/20-5/20) Want to promote health awareness? Then do a remake of Supersize Me! This time, it’s KFC. All Double Downs, all the time. Gemini (5/21-6/21) Alright, today, I want you to carve 48 swans out of jade. You'll have to find the jade yourself and they better be perfect. Oh, and when you're done doing that, could you go to China and find me a dragon, please? Cancer (6/22-7/22) You tend to let papers go, don’t you? That may explain all the paper boats sitting at the bottom of the lake. Maybe you stick to building paper airplanes. Oh wait, you did. That explains all the paper planes stuck in those trees. Leo (7/23-8/22) Your heightened sensitivity will come in handy when your significant other expects you to cry along with them during a viewing of Jersey Shore. Virgo (8/23-9/22) I believe that psychic communication is just as important as regular communication, so start working on your telepathy skills! Maybe in a hundred years from now, the world will only communicate via brainwaves! Libra (9/23-10/22) You normally have great common sense. So why did you think that snow was hot today? Scorpio (10/23-11/21) Did you clean your fingernails today? Because if your fingernails aren't clean, you aren’t clean! Oh, by the way, some wandering spirits tracked mud all over your house. Sagittarius (11/22-12/21) Look: no matter how determined you are, you will not be accepted as one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way. With files from Livia Turnbull. Humour. Edamame (ed-ah-MAH-may) By Natalie Serafini Oh, will this torture never end? She seems oblivious to my pain and suffering. As she smacks and whacks and licks her lips the sounds do grate upon my soul, my very soul. She shakes her salt, rubs salt into my wounds. She picks a pod to place at the pleasant perch of her mouth. She’s a pod-picket, a pedestrian pod-picker, I think. Another one is plucked, chewed up, and sent the way of the others down the hole through the gullet to the pit, that slowly fills, seeming unending in its ravenous insatiable hunger I look, I cringe, I cover the injury that is my ears. She laughs, she snorts, she smacks and whacks and licks her lips. Book giant to enter new era A new chapter for Chapters By Eric Wilkins, Senior Aromatherapy Candle Correspondent Chapters made the long-awaited announcement that they were shifting their focus from books to chocolate and candle sales. “We've really been heading in this direction for a while now,” said Chapters CEO Tom Foolery. “Ever since the Kindle-sponsored book bonfire, it has been a struggle to keep ourselves afloat. We're confident with the new direction that the company is heading in.” The well-established print media store—widely regarded as a great magazine store with the occasional smut novel—has already begun initiating the changes and hopes to be completely finished its overhaul by May. Lindor and a host of other chocolate manufacturers have stepped up production in order to meet the needs of the Canadian giant. “It’s a great day to be a chocolatier,” beamed Payme Lotts, owner of Pop Rock Chocolates. Similar sentiments were shared by the other prime beneficiaries: the candle makers. While the announcement was embraced with open arms by the majority of those on hand, there were a few fringe novelists towards the edge of the crowd crying in shocked disbelief. “Chapters has always been a major outlet for struggling authors with nothing better to write than Ic a downtown Starbucks, pop-fiction. With Chapters no longer selling our product, who is going to peddle [our fluff]?” moaned Roald Over. “Chapters has always made us relevant due to the “right here, right now’ factor. Sure, the average person isn’t going to scour the world for what we put out there, but if it’s in their face with an enticing cover we've got half a chance.” In an exclusive interview with The Other Press, Foolery also revealed that there are plans to expand into T-shirts, scarves, blankets, and macaroons. “We feel that Chapters, as a brand, has so much more to offer. Why limit ourselves? The sky is the limit for us.” “Are you leaning towards a Shoppers Drug Mart approach then?” “They’ve certainly got to watch their back.” Foolery also hinted at a possible name change in the near future. “’Chapters’ no longer truly fits what we do, so we're definitely looking towards a more appropriate title.” Some investigating led to learning of the possibility of “Pages,” “Paragraphs,” or “Sentences.” A final question posed to Foolery was based on how Chapters turning over a new page will affect Canadian print media. Foolery answered with, “That much is yet to be seen, but sit tight because we’re all about to enter a new period in our lives.” 21