Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca Marches on Washington collide after scheduling error > Clashes between groups lead to chaos, confusion Greg Waldock Staff Writer he American Family Association, the American Civil Liberties Union, the Women’s March on Washington, and the Juggalo March on Washington all collided yesterday outside the White House after a fatal lack of communication by organizers, as well as with local authorities. The AFA and the Women’s March clashed near the Washington Monument, while the ACLU and the Juggalos collided with one another near the White House gates. Dozens of injuries are reported and the scene is currently still a mess of picket signs and face paint. The AFA, notorious for hard- right Christian views and influence in the current Cabinet, organized an appearance to support President Trump and, in particular, Vice President Pence. The Women’s March, an international movement focusing on women’s rights with heavy LGBTQ+ associations, came together to denounce Trump and Pence’s anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, and general Christian extremist views. When the two groups collided there was “absolute confusion,” said Mary Wallis, an AFA supporter. “Both the movements are primarily about and composed of women, so we both just assumed the other was a strange parody splinter group.” When both sides discovered the truth of what the other stood for, however, fighting broke out amongst the protestors. Meanwhile, the ACLU was protesting Trump’s illegal ban on travel from Muslim countries. Hundreds of lawyers, lawmakers, and concerned citizens were marching to show opposition to the executive order. This was interrupted at the White House fence by the Juggalo’s March on Washington, which had unclear motives and mostly spent its time yelling song lyrics and screaming. The Juggalos, the Neither God nor Satan want Trump in the afterlife Image via NBC.com (¥ Humour Editor forgets what it is to laugh and feel joy (¥Y White supremacy at it again, sources report (¥ Valentine’s Day Gothic And more! name for fans of hip hop group Insane Clown Posse, tried to aggressively apply face paint to lawyers, causing further violence—and lawsuits—to erupt. The two fighting crowds met in front of the White House, the very place where so many iconic Marches on Washington had met in the past. “The ghost of Martin Luther King was smiling on me when I hit that guy with a giant inflatable dildo I found on the ground,” said a Juggalo who called himself Smelly Dan. “It was a magical time. Someone threw an actual Bible at my head.” The protests nearly turned into one giant riot before police arrived and broke up the conflict. Cleanup was led by the International Janitorial Cleaning Services Association, which was planning their own protest after lunch that day. The official police response was a single tweet from the DCPD Twitter account: “#washingtonmonument covered in rainbows, Bible verses, legal terms, and the word magnets over and over again. It was bound to happen eventually.” >I mean, quite honestly, who would want to deal with that asshole for all of eternity? Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor iplomatic negotiations between the metaphysical manifestations of good and evil broke down again this week over discussions regarding the final resting place of current United States president Donald (God having to write out this sentence is soul-withering) Trump. “Well, he’s obviously not coming to heaven, are you kidding me?” said God in a statement to the Vatican over the weekend. “Look, depending on who you are and what you believe, you probably think the heavenly screening process is one of two things: Either it lets the morally just and kind people in, regardless of whether or not they followed arbitrary rules written over a millennium ago, OR you hang your hat on those arbitrary rules and hope really hard that all that hippie shit about ‘love thy neighbour’ and ‘the meek shall inherit the Earth’ is just filler. So looking at it from either of those perspectives, you tell me: Should J let Donald Trump in? Donald Trump, who seems to exhibit no sense or understanding of right and wrong? Donald Trump, who has broken pretty much all 10 of my most basic rules and regulations? No, that man can go straight to Hell, quite frankly, and I won't even gaze forlornly upon him as one of my lost children when he succumbs to the darkness.” “Aw Hell no,” said Lucifer, in his own statement to several Satanic churches worldwide. “Yeah, okay, I get it, I’m supposed to take in all the bad guys because I’m supposedly a bad guy— though really youd think offering to take in every lost soul my dad doesn’t want kind of makes me the Helga Hufflepuff of Christian mythology, but anyway. My point is, I have some pretty cool people down here (and a lot of very not cool people down here, to be fair). | don’t want to inflict that steaming mess of bullshit on them; that’s bordering on cruel and unusual punishment. And anyway, I don’t want to have to personally deal with the guy. He freaks me out. No one should be that orange.” “Well what's the point of having a Hell if I can’t stuff a Me-damned dictator in it every once in a while?” said God. “Seriously, it’s supposed to be a punishment for my disobedient and rebellious child and all who follow in his fiery footsteps, not a vacation house. He'll just have to suck it up and let the man in” “My Dad seems to think that just because you lead one minor rebellion against the Hosts of Heaven, you have to be the one to spend eternity babysitting a bunch of horrible assholes to underline how much of a horrible asshole you supposedly are,” said Satan. “Like, okay, J get it Dad, | pissed you Image via worldcrisis.ru off and now I’m grounded forever. Great. I’m still not taking Donald Dad-damned Trump after he finally does the world a solid and kicks it!” Apparently both God and Satan wrote to deities from other religions asking if they would take Donald Trump’s soul off their hands. So far, the responses have all been resoundingly and firmly negative, with one email back simply reading “ha ha ha, no.”