The “Other” News

“Salty” Liam Britten

saltyliam@ gmail.com

 

 

Your Mother Can't Believe How
Early the Neighbour’s Christmas
Decorations Are Up

“Sa Ity”
Liam Britten

resident all-star

   
  

 

LANGLEY, BC—After noticing that
your next door neighbour’s home was
decorated with strings of Christmas
lights and __ inflatable
Santa Claus figures,
your mother expressed
absolute disbelief at
how early in the year
the neighbours had set
up holiday decorations.
“My goodness, what are
the Hendersons thinking?”
she inquired rhetorically
to anyone in the dining
room willing to listen.
“It’s barely November! Why, some people
haven’teven finished with Halloween yet!”
Despite the fact that most homes

on the street your family lives on will
have their decorations up by the end of
the week, your mother was unable to
hide her utter shock at the hasty set-
up of the decorations and novelties.

“Why, some
people haven't

even finished 4
with Halloween
yet!” she said.

“Look at that! It’s still over a month
away,” she told you and your father over
breakfast. “It’s just so... I don’t know.
It’s just like, well, you know how it is,
it’s like leaving decorations up all year
round, I don’t know how people do it.”

Your father added: “Honey,
are we out of syrup?”

The Other Press wasableto getacomment
from your neighbor Terri Henderson.

“T sure do think we’ve done a great
job this year with the decorating, my
[husband] Craig did such a good job,”
she told reporters. “And
I think it just looks so
festive, it feels good to
get it out of the way.”

Despite your
mother’s mild disgust
the | Henderson’s
decorating fervor, Terri
seemed completely
unaware of her feelings.

“Oh, I’m sure the
neighbours will appreciate
how cheerful and merry our home looks,”
said Henderson. “Except maybe the people
next door to us. Can you believe they have
three cars in their two-car driveway? It’s
just so... I don’t know. It’s just like, well,
you know how it is, it’s like so cluttered, I
don’t know how people do it.”

 

 

Weed “Totally Killer,” Dealer Claims

By “Salty” Liam Britten
PORT COQUITLAM, BC—During
a late-night call to marijuana dealer
Tyrell “T-Smoke” Paulson, concerned
investors Daniel Cortez and _ Ivan
Sen, both 21, were assured that the
marijuana they were considering
purchasing was of the highest quality.

“Shit’s the bomb, no joke,” Paulson
assured the pair. “Mad
kush styles, it'll get
you right lifted.”

Despite Paulson’s
attempts to rally the
market with the cell
phone conversation,
trading remained timid.
Bay Street experts have
long been uneasy about

corporate situation, and
by the time Cortez
and Sen called his
corporate office in his
mother’s basement, barely half an ounce
of product had been moved, and at least
two dime bags were traded on credit.

“Let’s face it, the entire weed sector
has been bear-like for the past six
months,” said Charmaine Buskas, senior
economics strategist at TD Securities.
“This can be attributed to the fluctuating

18

“Bay Street experts
have long been
uneasy about
the stability of
thestabilityofPaulson’s Paulson’s corporate

situation.”

dollar, concerns over international
trade, and the fact that no really tripped-
out movies have been shown lately.”

Added Buskas: “Let’s face
it, nothing increases pot demand
like a new Peter Jackson film.”

However, Paulson’s attempts to
re-invigorate trading appeared to pay
off; his short-term
prediction about the
potency of his product
was enough to revive
investors’ confidence,
and trading regained
momentum, and was
brisk until 11:30 pm,
when Paulson “burned
out and crashed.”

“Me and Ivan
wound up grabbing an
ounce, and we called
Jay [Bourdon, 20] and
Matt [Westinghouse,
24], these guys we know, and they
wound up picking up a 20-bag each,”
Cortez told The Other Press. “T-
Smoke was right, shit was dope.”

Added Sen: “Dude, I’m trippin’.
Let’s go to McDonald’s.”
For all his success in rallying the
market, Paulson remains grounded.

 

“That’s how it is, some days are better
than others,” Paulson said, taking a break
from playing a video game. “But right
now, my main concern is tomorrow. Hey,
I got this great new crop, totally indoor

 

grown, it’s mad crystally, red hairs and
everything, you want to buy a dime?”

The Other Press was happy to take him
up on his offer.