Mega earthquake to relieve

pressure on housing market

» The only possible thing that will reduce the cost of housing in Vancouver

Cara Seccafien
Production Assistant

he cost of housing is out of

control in Metro Vancouver.
According to VanCity, a couple
needs to earn $123,000 per year
to afford an average mortgage.
People living in the Lower
Mainland are likely empathetic to
this situation.

A major earthquake might be
just the thing that will get Tregor
Bobertson and his council into
action to combat homelessness
and the cost of housing, as
earthquakes have been known
to significantly reduce property
values.

Following the 7.8 quake of
1906 in San Francisco, rent-to-
own relief homes were built to
house about 20,000 people. These
could be purchased by renters
after 25 monthly payments of
$2.00. At that price, you could
buy 10 of these tiny homes

: upfront and still pay less than
: one month’s rent in Vancouver.
: Lucky for us, there is a 50 per

: cent chance of a mega earthquake :
: hitting the west coast in the next
: 50 years.

Right now, apartment

: vacancies in Vancouver are well-

: below the national average. This
: means that finding an apartment,
: let alone an affordable one, is

: nearly impossible. A population

: decrease—that comes naturally

: with a mega earthquake—will

: increase vacancy rates, lowering

: rents, and easing your apartment
: hunt. No more living out of your
van for the month of September!

This news may not sound

: ideal to all. Thinking about a
: mega earthquake can cause major :
: anxiety for many Vancouverites.
: Truthfully ’'ve been known to

: have full-blown panic attacks

: whena truck drives past my

: house, because I assume that it’s :
: the start of the largest earthquake :

: this region has felt in the last 500
: years.

But fear not Vancouver!
Next time you feel your chest

: tighten and/or your floor rattle,

: repeat this grounding mantra

: in your head: “If I survive this

: earthquake, I will have my pick of
: Yaletown at an affordable price.

: If I survive this earthquake, I will
: have my pick of Yaletown at an

: affordable price.” Calming, isn’t

: it?

If that doesn’t quite do the

: trick, picture your view of False

: Creek, your rooftop garden, your

: high-efficiency in-suite washer,

: and your adorable tiny pug. Think
: of all the seawall babes hitting on
: you and/or your doggy, asking if

they can come back to your place.

: Your place!? A swanky high-

: rise with a jacuzzi downstairs.

: Yuppie life, here you come! Post-
: earthquake you're ballin’

If that’s not a grounding
exercise, I don’t know what is.

 

 

» > Latest heat wat wave se fatal to all life

Cazzy Lewchuk
Staff Writer

 

hanks to a combination

of natural weather cycles,
human-induced climate
change, and failed promises by
municipal governments, the
latest temperature across the
Lower Mainland has broken all
records. The most recent weather

reaching in excess of 100 degrees
Celsius—effectively killing off all
tourism, business, and life in the
city.

Reactions to the comically
high predictions have ranged
from disbelief to pure joy. While
many citizens are excited about
finally avoiding the biblically
predicted torrential rains that
plague the city nine months a
year, others are slightly more
concerned. Side effects of the
scorching fires have so far

: included a crop blight affecting

: the entire continent, souped-up
: cars racing across the wasteland
: once known as “Kitsilano,” anda
: massive drop in blanket and space :
: heater sales. :

The heat wave reaching

: its peak just after Canada Day

: has been interpreted in many

: different ways. Some argue it was
: deliberately planned to drum up

: business for the finale of the FIFA
: Women’s World Cup. Others have :
: argued a playing field devoid of
forecast has called for a heat wave : 8tass and sentient life is hardly

: effective for a fan turnout.

: Indeed, BC Place was almost

: deserted for the final, and many
: questioned the decision to keep
: the roof open, which exposed

: the stadium to fire-inducing

: ultraviolet waves.

On the other hand, many

: craft breweries across the city

: are experiencing a massive

: increase in business. “People

: enjoy their beer to cool off. Heat
: waves ensure a tastier experience
: and the lack of available water

: and barley has allowed us to

: lower our prices by 10 per cent,
: so ... aaaaaagh,” explained local
: brewmaster/hipster Curly

McLachlan, shortly before

: collapsing from massive heat
: stroke and dehydration.

Although most sane

: Vancouverites have either fled the
: city long ago or been evacuated

: by the National Guard, many of

: the less-competent citizens have

remained, attempting to survive

: in the barren desert.

At press time, residents of

: Commercial Drive could be found
: sitting in what was once known

: asa park, sipping evaporated

: cans of beer, and attempting

: to burn narcotic leaves, further

: shortening their already at-risk

: lifespan.

“It’s not that bad, man.

: Get out in the sunshine. Better

: than the safe weather we usually
: get,” said one citizen, before

: being attacked by a feral tribe of
: children for the last remaining

: bundle of kale in the province.

| Yaletown

Posen as is
rent-to-Ownyy = *
$2/month for 25 rE

 

    

Photoillustration based on photo by Evan Leeson via flickr

[a

shoton iPhone 6

PT et ee as

eee Tees

 

By Jerrison Oracion, Senior Columnist