Capricorn

(12/22-1/19)

Sometimes, declaring that you are
pro-life at an abortion clinic is not
the smartest thing to do. I can still
remember the screams of fury as |
was ejected from the premises by

heavily armed guards.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Tonight you will take your artistic
side to the airwaves where you will
burp Beethoven’s 5" on your online
radio show! ...I didn’t say it had to
be high art.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Your projects, it seems, have run
into a brick wall while everyone
else’s projects have zoomed right
through it with a “meep-meep.”
Your only chance at getting through
this alive is to push a big boulder
right off the cliff and hope that the
cliff doesn’t fall.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

The energy in air will cause you to
become blocky and jump on people
heads. However, don’t eat the
mushrooms, no matter how good
they look to you.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

You have to get going! The bomb
planted inside the Pentagon is
going to go off in five minutes

and you’re the only one that can
dismantle it! By the way, this
message was going to self-destruct,
but I was told there might be
lawsuits about that.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Your heart may experience some
wild fluctuations today. Of course,
anyone’s heart would experience
wild fluctuations after eating KFC
for two months straight.

20

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

The drama between your circle

of friends is escalating. I propose
you let them all fight to death in
steel cage. If nothing else, it might
relieve some of tension.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

Your emotions will be in tatters
once you see that they shelved
about a book about Snooki next to
Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven” in
your local bookstore.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

Maintaining your opinion will be
difficult today. But mark my words,
soon people will know extreme
ironing has the potential to be an
Olympic sport .

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Desire will be hard to find for you
today. But whatever you do, don’t
go to craigslist in desperation. You
might wake up in a strange bed
wearing a necklace made out of
your teeth.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

Today will be like playing a game
on your home field except there’s
no skimpily-dressed people
cheering you on when you writing
a test. On second thought, that
would be very annoying.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/22)

You need an army of people today
in order to help you get focused

on studying for your final exam.
Someone needs to hide your iPhone
in the same place as the Wi-Fi
connection.

With files from Livia Turnbull.

 

Chuck E. Cheese’s replaces
its old animatronic show
with Skrillex in an attempt
to appeal to kids

By an animatronic replica of Livia
Turnbull

here have been some big
| changes lately for North
America’s favourite pizza
loving rat.

Earlier this month, it was
revealed that the Chuck E. Cheese
mascot would now be carrying
an electric guitar instead of a
skateboard. But the mascot is not
the only thing to get modernized.
Starting this fall, Chuck E. will
be jamming with Skrillex in the
animatronic show.

Skrillex, a popular dubstep
DJ known for his hit song,
"Bangarang,” could not be reached
for comment due to his being too
busy to make his comment into
a dubstep song. However, we do
know that the song is going to
be titled “Screaming Brats and
Helicopter Parents,” and will
appear in the upcoming show.

When asked about the changes
to the show, Michael Magusiak,
the CEO of Chuck E. Cheese’s
had this to say: “First of all, we
are not calling it the animatronic
show anymore; we are now calling
it “Chuck E.’s Rockin’ Racecar
Ravel!!!”

Chuck E. Cheese’s marketing
team had polled the grandparents
of children to get an idea an on
what to call their new show. “We
were going to call it “The iTwitter
Bieber Hout,” says Magusiak,

 

“But you would be surprised on
how harsh Apple’s lawyers can be
with their trademark. Some of our
marketing staff who went to Apple
Headquarters are missing and the
rest are in comas.”

It has also been confirmed that
all of Chuck E.’s farmyard friends
will be retired. “The costumes
were not hip enough,” says
Magusiak, “Besides, kids today
have never seen a farmyard in
their lives! We know this because
some grandparents said that their
grand-child thought a farm had
something to do with waiters.” As
for Chuck’s new costume, he will
sporting blond, spiky “anime” hair,
KISS make-up, a pimp suit, and,
of course an electric guitar. “This
way,” said Magusiak, “We can
reach out to every demographic of
child and their parents’ wallets.”
When asked about having Skrillex
on “Chuck E.’s Rockin’ Racecar
Rave” Magusiak replied, “I think
he will be a big hit with the kids. In
fact, I like him as well. That music
sounds like the noise a computer
makes whenever it connects to the
Internet and as we all know, kids
love the Internet.”

To celebrate this revamp,
Chuck E. Cheese’s is offering a free
All-You-Can-Play in the arcade to
the first thousand families who
have dinner in their restaurant.