humour // no. 22 theotherpress.ca

US Senate to impeach Trump

> New head of state ‘a very good boy’

Mercedes Deutscher
News Editor

 

he US Senate voted in a nearly
unanimous 99-1 vote to remove
President Donald Trump from office
on Monday, after Trump was found
to be guilty of attempting to drown
an entire litter of puppies in 2005.
The appalling scandal came
forth during the 2016 election,
when Trump was quoted to have
said: “Grab them by the pussy.”
While the public was initially led
to believe that this was about Trump
sexually assaulting a woman, it was
later revealed that Trump had been
instructing his staff to seize a box of

puppies that had been nearby a sitting cat.

After a short term of presidential
action that included removing funding
from scientists, placing gross restrictions
on immigration, and planning the
construction of a wall on the border of the
United States and Mexico, it was a scandal
involving harming infant canines—which
Twitter has dubbed #PuppyGate—that
proved to be the last straw for the
American public and the previously
supportive Republican government.

Only the Republican senator
from Washington state remained in
support of Trump after the extent
of the crime had come to light.

“I’ve always been more of a cat
person anyways,’ Senator Brendan
Schoonmaker told reporters after the
impeachment vote had taken place.

With Trump ousted, the
American public was distraught
on what a government under Vice-
President Mike Pence would look like.
However, neither Pence nor any of the
successors to the presidency could
be found to take an oath of office.

Thankfully, a Pembroke Welsh Corgi
by the name of Cooper had found its way
into the Senate. After rolling over and
shaking paws with nearly every senator in
the building, it was proposed that Cooper
be nominated for the vacant presidency.

It was decided in another 99-1 vote
that Cooper would become the 46th
President of the United States of America,
only opposed by Schoonmaker because he
could not let love and joy into his heart.

“Arf arf woof,” said Cooper
in his inaugural address, which
roughly translated to, “It is my
absolute honour to stand before
you as President of this nation.”

“The American public has not had
it easy these past few months,” Cooper’s
impassioned and though provoking
speech continued. “It was not easy for
the women of this nation, who have
felt so wronged by an administration
meant to protect them that they have
felt it necessary to march for equality

 

 

 

 

and freedom. It has not been easy for our

Muslim brothers and sisters, who have
faced some of the most undemocratic
and appalling discrimination since
the dark days of World War II”

“The previous administration has
created an America that is divided
and afraid. I ask of you, fret not. For
we were once a nation that took care
of our neighbours and played fetch
with our friends, before a choice

 

between a ball and a stick pitted us
against each other. Let us not take
from each other, but only throw.”

In his first day in office, President
Cooper signed an executive action
that guarantees free vet access and
pet insurance to all citizens.

Although still early in his
administration, much of the
public has lovingly dubbed their
new president as “Good Boy.”

Mind reader inundated with pornographic
images during boring lecture

> Doesn't mind the subject matter so much, just wishes for some variety

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

Awe student who wishes to
emain anonymous (and so shall
be referred to as “Anonymous Student”
in this article) has come forward with
a request for fellow classmates: For
them to daydream about something
other than sex during boring lectures.

“T get it, we're all adults here in
the prime of our sexual maturity, or
whatever,” said Anonymous Student
ina written statement posted
online this past weekend. “But it’s
getting kind of old is the thing.”

Anonymous Student explained
in their missive that they have been
telepathic their whole life, and thus have
had to contend with the imaginations
of others interfering with their waking
thoughts ever since they were born.

“Tt wasn't so bad in elementary
school,” said Anonymous Student. “]
mean, most of what you'd get would be
reruns of cartoons that whoever was
daydreaming had watched that morning,
or those really fantastic self-insert
adventure fantasies where the whole
school would catch on fire, and that one
kid would somehow save everyone and
become the town hero. Those have always
been my favourite, honestly. Then we got
a bit older, and the self-insert fantasies
usually had something to do with some

kind of axe murderer breaking into the
classroom, and that one nerd kid at
the back of the class somehow showing
off some previously unknown martial
arts skills to kick the guy’s ass—again,
becoming the town hero in the process.
But everything changed when we all
hit puberty; and I mean, everything.”

High school was apparently so
bad for sexual content—misinformed,
poorly choreographed sexual content—
that Anonymous Student would end
up leaving school to complete their
secondary school curriculum at home.

“Seriously, you could just fell who'd
stayed up the night before watching
PornHub, or reading slash fanfiction
written by straight people,” said
Anonymous Student. “At one point I
just cracked and shouted ‘Lube exists
for a reason, you fools!’ in the middle of
chemistry class, and, well. There wasn't
any recovering from that, was there?”

Anonymous Student eventually
returned to public education after
a few rest years in a mysterious
monastery for mind-readers, where
they learned to block out the majority
of their classmate’s thoughts.

“Tt’s more of a running backtrack in
my head, now,” said Anonymous Student.
“Tt isn’t quite so overwhelming. And
people seem to have their shit together a
bit more now, sex-wise. Still, it’s mostly
just boring. The second that a 15-minute
video on sustainable development goes

up on the projector, bam! It’s like, “Let’s
all think about our genitals. Or other
people’s genitals. Or inflation porn’
Seriously, what the fuck, DeviantArt
people? You know who you are.”

Anonymous Student had a few
final comments and requests.

“Tm not saying don’t think about
sex, guys, it’s your mind to do whatever
the hell you want with, but why can’t
we get back to some of those great
self-insert escapist fantasies? You
maladaptive daydreamers with your

 

entire worlds and alternate universes are
fantastic. Dungeon Masters planning
campaigns, I love you. Fanfiction writers,
at least I get a little romance before
the inevitable trip to Poundtown.”
“Finally, I'd just like to say thank
you to those people who account for
me—you know, apologizing in your
head to any mind readers in the room
before getting all NSFW up in there. We
really appreciate that. And of course,
big thumbs up to the asexuals out
there. You're a joy to have in class.”

Illustration by Ed Appleby