humour // no. 18

Minnesota leaves United States,
joins Canada

> No one notices for weeks

Duncan Fingarson
Senior Columnist

 

TT government of Minnesota recently
announced that the state, once
32nd to join the Union, has decided
that Canada really is a better fit for it
after all. The announcement came six
weeks after Minnesota had already
technically left the United States.

“We just figured it was time, said
Mark Dayton, governor of Minnesota,
“For years peaple have been making jokes

about how Minnesota is basically Canada.

Given the current political climate down
there, it felt like as good a time as any te
make it official, Though we did sart of
think that someone might actually notice
before having to do that, don'tcha know.
All of Minnesota's border
checkpoints have been moved to better
represent its new international borders.
The currency has all been replaced with
Canadian dollars, and work is currently
in progress to replace all nonsensical
signs with metric ones, Despite these
major changes, life has mostly continued

on as normal for its citizens.

The Other Press, having flown
a reporter to Minnesota, canvassed
the streets to see what residents had
to say. It seemed as though many
were unaware of the change.

“Oh yeah, you betcha,” sail
Minnesotan Ole Olsen, when asked
if he'd noticed that the money was
now a different colour and easier to
tell apart. “I thought that was just
something the government was trying
out. The news didn't have anything
about it. Here, come on in, you can
stay fora bit if you want to talk.”

Our reporter politely refused
but was unable to escape being plied
with Tupperware-encased leftovers
on the way down the drive.

Another Minnesota simply shrugged
and said “uff da,” before offering the
reporter lutefisk. Elsewhere, the reaction
was similar. Reports that Justin Trudeau
has been scrambling to find a jar of
maple syrup with which to welcome
Minnesota are unconfirmed at this time.

The addition of Minnesota to Canada
increases the country’s total area to over

An open letter

to the IOC

> Sports that the IOC should

consider for Beijing 2022

Mercedes Deutscher
Social Media Coordinator

 

Dear International
Olympics Committee,

lam an avid fan of watching
athletes from all aver the world fight
one another to determine whe is the
very best. However, | must say that |
was quite disappointed in your most
recent Winter Olympic Games in
Pyeongchang. Don't get me wrong,

I love a good ice dance or ski jump

as much as the next guy, but I see
SOM SCTIOIS POCMT for Improvements,
Some of these sugpestions may he
unconventional—perhaps absure

by the lOC’s standards—but believe
me, these games would be a hit if

you included them in your 2022
Beijing Winter Olympic Games.

Ski jumps are easy if you think
about it. It's just going down an icy
hill on seme foot boards, But have you
contsidered the athleticism requirecel
ta goup an icy hill with nothing
but your shoes, perhaps with added
weight in a backpack? So far, the only
name [can think of tor it is “Walking
up the icy hill at Douglas College
during the winter because the school
refused to call a snow day,” but you
can call it something else if you'd
like, [ve seen many people slip and
slide down the hill, but it takes a true
champion te conquer it unscathed.

If that one isn't up to your liking,
I would suggest a sport that requires
navigating through dangerous obstacles
in the snow without proper equipment.
Like to call it “Vancouver Winter.” It’s
set up as a race where you win if you
ean get home within one hour without
your socks getting wet. Bonus round
if your vehicle doesn't spin out on the
road thanks to your bald summer tires,

Maybe you'll take a liking to “Live
Canada Goose Plucking.” In a bout
of agility and precision, the athlete
must successfully pluck a feather from
a Canadian goose. The goose cannot
be sleeping and must be facing the
athlete. Points are deducted every time
the goose successfully bites or attacks,
Admittedly, Canadians may have an
unfair advantage in this spart, but
believe me, it won't be easy for anyone.

I feel like I'm losing you, so I'll
leave you on this: Think of a game
where people have to ski on a flat
surface. No hills or momentum to
keep you going except some sticks.
Sounds casy? Au, contraire, The athlete
also needs ta carry a rifle anc shoot
targets with it, [think we should

eall it “Lefty-Righty Shooty Snow.”

Yours,
Olympic Fan.

PS. Okay, the last one was
a joke, please don't make it
an actual Olympic spart,

  

ten million square kilometres. This isn
enough to change the ranking, since
Canada still has seven million more

to go before it tops Russia, but it does
substantially widen China's lead for
third. The population increase is more
substantial, boosting Canada’s overall
count by five million people and an

't

Wiles Co yoy e os Reel

innumerable number of mosquitos.

In related news, Canada has taken
Minneseta’s annexation asa sign that
other American states may also be
willing to join the Great White North
and is currently engaged in talks
regarding Point Roberts. Because,
scriously, those poor bastards.

 

Len

 

 

 

 

Max Foss

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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mo — Po on bjo| oOo ~
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“oO mb @ MPO)
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OoONM &/— © Oy a oO

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Image via @tal_jay on Twitter