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Douglas College Library Gothic

> An excerpt from a gothic literature classic

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

I" quiet in the library. Too quiet.

You hear it all: The whirr
of computer monitors, printers
spitting out pages of ink, the
lone cry of a student as they
realize they've forgotten their
assignment at home. It echoes
around you, dragging your spirit
into the dusty shelves. You hope
it learns something there.

Your task is simple.

You wait in line at the
printers to access the computer.
After all, you came prepared.
Your work is completed. It
just needs to be printed.

Your teacher suggested—
nay, demanded—that you give
yourself an adequate amount of
time to print your work. She said
she would not accept late work.
She said that things always go
wrong when you leave it to the

last minute. She said that it was
important to take responsibility
for your own time management.

You whispered, “Yolo.”

(You then
immediately cringed
and bathed in holy
water for an hour
to cleanse the 2012
frat-boy demon
from your mind
that caused you to
say that, but that is
beside the point.)

Twenty
minutes, you figure,
is more than enough
time to do this. You'll
even make it to class
early. You will show them all.

The line expands—not
behind you, but before you. How
did it do that? You look to the
sky for answers. The fluorescent
lights above you buzz and crackle,
but they do not explain. They

  
    
  
   

are, as ever, unknowable and
frightening, and best left alone.
You finally reach the
computer, and after
checking your Student
ID for your nine-digit
identification (you
haven't memorized
it by now? You've
3 been here for over
ayear...), you log
S. in. You set up
$ your document.
= You try to print it.
Nothing

happens.

You hover
over the printer
anxiously, noting with

cold jealousy that the

documents of people at other
computers who pressed “print”
after you are printing just fine.
It’s you. It’s only your project,
your work that cannot manifest
itself in the physical world.

4
S
>

Defeated, you finally seek
the intervention of a higher
power: The librarian.

You explain your situation,
your desperate pleas finally
reaching a sympathetic ear.

She asks how many copies you
mean to print. You say 22.

She looks at you. Knows you.

“Creative Writing, huh?” she
says softly. You hang your head.
There is no defence for your
actions here. Your life choices led
you to this place, this River Styx of
an institution. You seek passage
to a newer, better place, and the
printer has barred your way.

The librarian finds another
computer for you, and you repeat
your actions from before. This
time, a new window pops up:

a confirmation for the printer
that yes, you pressed “print”
three times for a reason; this
is, in fact, what you want.

“That didn’t happen

before,” you try to explain.

She doesn't believe you.

She thinks you're an idiot. But
she’s far too kind to say.

You look at the time, and
realize that class started two
minutes ago. Cursing quietly, you
dash over to the printer and wait,
watching... watch, waiting...

As it prints 22 copies. Slowly.

There is no leaving the
library, you realize slowly, at copy
number seven. You look up at the
librarian, horror in your eyes.

“As | am now, so you shall
be,” she mouths, retreating
behind her desk. She lifts up an
ancient copy of Pearls, Douglas
College’s literary anthology.

Out falls a Personal Narrative
syllabus from 15 years ago.

Your fate is sealed. The
library has claimed you.

The printer has won.

Study shows that technology can sense fear

> Why computers and printers fail when needed most

Rebecca Peterson
Humour Editor

 

Aw study conducted
out of the Useless Research
Association has proved what
many have suspected for
years: Our technology can
sense our stress and panic.
“I decided to run this
study after the 15th time our
photocopier jammed minutes
before a deadline,” Dr. Inser T.
Clevername told the Other Press
last week. “It couldn't just be
coincidence. It was definitely
something far more sinister.”
The tests were run with two
groups of college students. Their
task: To print out 22 copies of
an essay and turn it in to their
teachers on time. Group A was
told to print their essays out
an hour before class. Group B,
however, was given only five
minutes, and told that their
teachers would not accept late
work under any circumstances.
“The differences were
extraordinary,” said Dr.
Clevername. “Group A completed
the task on time and with few,
if any, technical issues. Group
B was a complete disaster.”
Incidents reported during
Group B’s exercise include one
printer running out of paper,

another running out of ink, one
jamming completely, a computer
freezing, three essays being
completely erased from existence,
two incidents of viruses infecting
the host computers, and most
impressively, a computer monitor
spontaneously combusting. Only
one essay was ultimately turned
in on time, but as the printer
somehow managed to print the
document in invisible ink, it

was not counted for marks.

“The implications are
incredible... and alarming,” said
Dr. Clevername. “Does this mean
that there is, in fact, a ‘Ghost in
the Machine, as Asimov once
theorized? Does even the most
mundane technology possess
some form of sentience? If so,
why is it that their intentions
seem to be so incredibly
vindictive towards human life?”

Critics of this study have
pointed out that human
error is likely to blame for the
mishaps, but Dr. Clevername
only scoffed when asked to
comment on the matter.

“Some ‘scientists’ out
there would blame human
beings for all of humanity’s
problems,” Dr. Clevername said.
“It glosses over the real issues.
Technology is out to get us. The
people should be warned.”

  

Illustration by Ed Appleby