Op-Ed e other press uaa yy ‘nnifer Aikman Look MRR Tg b 1:11a.m., kind of a cool time. You know, all the ones in a row and all. Yep s early morning and I am sitting at my computer writing a rhetorical analysis. ike saying rhetorical analysis, it sounds smart. In reality, it is the most stupid king assignment I’ve suffered through. Oh yes, a school assignment—a col- be assignment, actually. No, scratch that, a community college assignment. For me reason, if I were a student at UBC or even SFU, I would be okay with all is. But community college—where do they get off? Ethos, Pathos, Logos, oh y! Yeah, good one—I bet that’s a knee-slapper in the Linguistic’s Faculty. recognize that the ability to think and discuss rhetorically is a good thing. akes you a better critical thinker, and the concepts behind it all are intriguing. irke and his crazy terministic screens, Aristotle’s 28 (count ‘em—28) topoi, id a whole whack of other zany characters make rhetorical persuasion fun! I pan it, I really do find it interesting. To study persuasion is to examine the fine of manipulation. If you can figure out how someone is trying to convince u of something, you can head them off and counterattack with a potent cock- | of one part rational argument, two parts assertion, a dash of ethos and October 16, 2002 Okay, good times, right? Well wait until you are ordered to “discuss” (fill six pages with crap) creative nonfiction and a book review rhetorically. Trust me, your rhetorical jets will cool and you will stare in horror at your screen and panic. Because not five minutes ago you knew what a terministic screen was— hell, you were tossing around PO-MO terms like “discourse community” and “syllogism” —and now you know nothing and you are, to put it bluntly, fucked. Well, at least I am, because I am NOT good enough, nor smart enough and doggonit, people don’t really like me all that much. Who am I kidding? Me, a critical thinker? Iam a judgmental ass. Why, just today I decided that all women who wear those white platform sandals are genetically predisposed to a life of tailgate sex and roll-your-owns. lama rhetorician’s worst nightmare—I'm a...a sophist! That’s right, you heard me—I’m a nasty old sophist. Bite me, Aristotle. You too, Socrates. I am going to sleep. This bloody paper isn’t due until 2p.m. and I'll just have to pull some- thing out of my ass tomorrow morning. Disgusting phrase that, but I like it. Perhaps, being a dimwitted, disgusting 30-year-old still in school could be my AMO—you’'ve nailed the little sneak. ranchising the LDB é lly-Lee Parry Contributor " 7! Fs + od J Why isn’t there a Liquor Store at the corner of Hastings and Main? We have needle exchanges, so why not a real Liquor Store? If we are helping the addicts stay healthy and safe, why not the drunks? After all, alcohol is a legal drug, and I’m sure a cheap bottle of wine is a lot healthier for someone than a bottle of Lysol. I think theyd do a good business. The BC Liquor Distribution Branch (LDB) must not think that the demo- graphic profile of that area fits their high-end product. The vision of the LDB is “to be consistently recognized as a superior retailer—through the provi- sion of excellent products and services, and by establishing effective relation- ships with customers and stakehold- ers—in each of the communities it serves.” I guess this isn’t a community they want to serve. Besides, it would be irresponsible. It would be wrong. I think, that as BC’s official legal drug dealers, they would rather build nice Liquor Stores in urban strip malls rather than muck around downtown. The demographics of the suburbs are fine for peddling, oops I mean retailing, alcohol, and of course there are no drinking terministic screen? Bastards. problems in the suburbs. Are there? Our problem is that alcohol is a nice legal drug. It's not one of those ques- tionable drugs like marijuana. It’s cer- tainly not as distasteful as something like crack or ecstasy. That’s why alcohol is protected by the LDB. We have the Liquor Distribution Act that gives them the right to traffic this drug to anyone who needs it. They aren't responsible for what we do with their product. After all, people who sell alcohol don’t foster the alcohol problem, now do they? Considering all the hard work the LDB has already done in making sure this friendly drug reaches its market, I think they could use this experience to mentor the legalization of other drugs. They already have the blueprint for dealing drugs in a civilized, legalized, and regulated way, so why not be a men- tor for the legalization of street drugs. People could pay a fee for their adminis- trative set up, kind of like a Subway franchise. Let’s start with marijuana. They could help set up policies for opening private distribution and rural centres. We could call them Cannabis Control Centres. The CCC could have a mission state- ment like: “We believe in bringing supe- rior products from local and interna- tional vendors, to support recreational, habitual and addicted consumers all across this great province.” We could even adopt the Liquor Distribution Act. Just get it in a Word document format and we could find and replace “alcohol” with “cannabis”. It would be easy. Why stop with marijuana? Let’s fran- chise all the drugs. Just think of it, strip malls in every neighbourhood, all with a local Liquor Store, a Cannabis Control Center, a Heroin Hut, a Crack Café, a shooting gallery, a needle exchange, a Mail Box Etc. and even a Starbucks. Drugs won't be dealt, they will be mer- chandised. Little two-for-one junk mail coupons will litter our mailboxes. What about home delivery? No, wait—coop- erative promotions with pizza places. The perfect fit! Since we will never rid our society of mood altering drugs, let’s at least try to make the most of it. Visit the Liquor Distribution . website at See what opportunities there are. Put your imagination to the test. Maybe there’s a future job for us all. page 7 ©