Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)

Be careful, folks, there are scams
out there. My advice? If you want
to make a little extra cash, don’t
become a walking advertisement.
Yes, you may make a lot of money,
but, like a normal advertisement,
people will ignore you.

Aquarius

(1/20-2/18)

Things should go very well for you
today except for that important

job interview. Turns out that
constantly saying quotes from the
movie Little Nicky isn’t the way to
get hired.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Today is going to be nice and
relaxing when you finally find an
old bomb shelter for the upcoming
air raid.

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Today, you will find that booze
makes any family gathering a
peaceful one. So go ahead, spike
the punch.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

Randomly tackle-hug everyone
you see today. I’m sure that frail
old lady down the street will
appreciate the force that knocks
her down onto the street, breaking
her hip!

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Today is going to be a terrific day
for you! You'll only be hit by one
truck today!

20

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Oh, go ahead, make this horoscope
all about you, you selfish creature.
Excuse me, but might I point out
that my name is at the top of this
column? Not yours? Take a hike.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

The hardest person to see is
yourself. Maybe you should buy a
mirror for your home.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

There’s creative energy in the air
all around you today. Too bad
you'll never be able to grasp it
because you're in accounting.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

Today, you can see dead people.
Your sixth sense must be in full
force for me to make this dated
reference.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

Take a break from routine and
instead go skydiving. But the
parachute won't work for you.
You won't notice this until you’re
already in the air.

Sagittarius

(11/22-12/22)

Want to minimize your daily
drama? Then close your Facebook
account.

With files from Livia Turnbull

 

Sleeping Conservative MP has been

sleep-walking through career
Rob Anders suffers from ‘severe’ sleep disorders;
entire political career thought to be a dream

@ Rob Anders

By Liam Britten, Chief Narcoleptic
Neo-Conservative Editor

( “Parament Member of
Parliament Rob Anders
has spent the past two
weeks deflecting blame after he
was accused of falling asleep
during a presentation from a group
representing homeless veterans.
During this time, he has accused
the members of the veterans
group of being communists, Putin-
supporters, and under the control of
the NDP.

But now, instead of blaming
others, Anders is trying a new
tack: he’s admitted to The Other
Press that his sleeping problems
have been going on for much
longer than previously thought—
in fact, he revealed that his entire
political career was simply a long
waking dream, and he has been
sleepwalking through his entire 15
years as a Member of Parliament.

“It’s horrible,” he said. “I keep
having these vivid dreams—or at
least I thought they were dreams—
that I’m on the campaign trail,
making outrageous promises, telling
reactionary conservative voters
everything they want to hear, trying
to de-fund the CBC, all manner of
crazy things.”

Anders said he believed
something was strange when he
would go to bed, only to wake up
four to eight weeks in Calgary,
across the country from his
Brampton, Ontario home.

“T really have no idea how |
became Member of Parliament
for West Calgary, or whatever the
riding is called,” he said. “And
I’m even more surprised that I’ve

 

been re-elected so many times. It’s
like, sorry to be blunt, but those
voters must be some kind of stupid.
Didn’t my erratic behaviour, spacey
demeanour, or, I don’t know, the fact
that I’ve repeatedly fallen asleep tip
them off?”

Although Anders said he voted
for the Progressive Conservatives
once in the ‘80s, he’s usually a
Liberal voter. He’s baffled as to
how he became involved with the
Canadian Alliance, the forerunner
to the modern Conservative Party of
Canada.

“T actually don’t know what
they stand for. Are they still against
the Gun Registry? I’m not very
political,” he said.

For Liberal MP Sean Casey,
who caught Anders napping while
sitting on the same veterans’ affairs
committee, Anders’ new explanation
makes a lot of things clearer.

“The poor guy. I hope he gets
the help he needs,” Casey told The
Other Press. “I always thought the
guy was a little off, but I didn’t
realize how ill he was. The fact that
he was asleep the whole time really
clears a lot up. [now understand
why he kept urinating himself
during a normal conversation—I
guess he was a bed-wetter as well.”

As for Veterans Emergency
Transition Society, the veterans’
group that was subjected to
accusations from Anders himself,
have accepted his apology, and have
offered to provide mental health
counselling to the troubled MP.

As of press time, Anders was
trying to reconnect with his wife,
whom he last coherently spoke to in
1994,