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LETTITOR

  

 

 

I’m in love with Mary Jane.
She’s my main thing.

She makes me feel alright.
She makes my heart sing

—Rick James, “Mary Jane”

Winners do drugs

Anyone familiar with the internal dynamics
here at The Other Press knows that there’s
not a hell of a lot that me and sports editor
Garth McLennan agree on. Discussions on
politics, arts, even the quality of food at
Boston Pizza all end with us disagreeing (I’m
telling you, Garth, Boston Pizza is shit). But
reading Garth’s articles this week, I see there
is something we definitely agree on: Michael
Phelps is getting a raw deal.

This whole thing is just another case of
how marijuana has become a cause for moral
panic in the States. The world’s most harmless
narcotic, even more harmless than alcohol
or tobacco, is what a bloodthirsty media is
going to use to bury this poor guy. Never
mind how half of Major League Baseball is
juicing, or how golfer John Daly still smokes
on tour; they’re still free to make millions
on endorsements and record salaries, but if
an athlete heralded as a national hero not six
months ago dares to hit the bong, off with his
head!

And now the poor guy’s getting
investigated by the police in the state where his
“crime” took place, South Carolina. I mean,
really, South Carolina; between your history of
slavery, a below-average economy and being
the birthplace of luminaries like Andy Dick,
you already don’t have much to be proud of. If
I were the South Carolina Board of Tourism,
I’d be playing up the fact that a real goddamn
American hero chose that state to cut loose. I
mean, really, what else does that place have to
draw tourists? Hog farms?

And if Americans had any sense, everyone

would be stoked that this happened. Just

think of how beneficial this is to all involved:
Kellogg’s shouldn’t have cut Phelps off for
this, they should start a new ad campaign about
how their cereals make perfect munchies.
America’s athletic societies should think

about what else Phelps can do. With his giant
swimmer’s lungs and taste for the sticky-icky,
he could be entered in the annual Cannabis Cup
in Amsterdam (hell, then maybe the Americans
would have a chance against Canada and
Mexico). USA Swimming should be the most
excited party in this situation; now Michael
Phelps has made swimming cool for a second
time. Yeah, winning eight medals is pretty cool,
but the kids will really think he’s badass now.

Oh, and Michael Phelps should be pretty
stoked, too; he got to get high.

So, Michael, if you ever get sick of the
media in your home country vilifying you for
having one taste of that sweet cheeba cheeba...
feel free to make a trip up north. After all,
Canada could use a ringer on our swim team,
and I got a killer hook up with this guy who
sells Purple Kush.

Your friend in high fidelity,
Liam Britten
Editor-in-Chief

The Other Press

 

 

 

 

Pansexy / Asexy Day On Campus

Say what sexy?? Confused as to what these two terms mean? Join Justin
and Helen on the concourse at the New West Campus, Tuesday February
17th, and get an update on the latest prefixes to modern sexuality.

 

   

Presented by th

e Douglas Students’ Union Pride Office