Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca (¥ BREAKING NEWS: Class ended five minutes ago (¥ None of us are getting into heaven, only dogs (¥Y Comics! And more! Student suffers mysterious anxiety attack after downing 4.5 liters of black coffee > ‘It just came out of nowhere; said victim Rebecca Peterson Humour Editor he mental health and medical community are at a loss to explain Douglas student Jenna Wired’s severe anxiety attack, which she suffered at 3 p.m. last Friday. It happened in the cafeteria, after she chugged at least 8 cups of Tim Horton’s black coffee in the space of 15 minutes. “Everything was going fine,” explained Wired to the Other Press, still twitching while she spoke. “I was finally starting to wake up; I was all ready for class, then suddenly bam! Everything just spiralled out of control!” “By the time the paramedics showed up, her heart was beating 378 times per minute,” said Dr. Kofi Been in a public statement to the press. “It was incredible. I’ve never seen anything like it. She was vibrating so quickly we could barely see her.” The incident has been attributed to several possible factors, the first being school stress. “Severe stress can have a remarkable effect on human physiology,” said noted psychologist Mark Pike. “Humans have been known to exhibit feats of superhuman strength when placed in emergency situations. We all know how stressful post-secondary education can be. Essays alone... man, | get the sweats just thinking about it, even now.” When asked if Wired’s Image via thinkstock consumption of caffeine might have been a contributing factor, both Dr. Been and Dr. Pike agreed that this was incredibly unlikely. “I mean, you've seen all the studies, right?” asked Dr. Been. “It only says good stuff about coffee, like how a cup a day helps you live longer, and how coffee beans have antioxidants, and all that. I heard you'd have to drink about a hundred cups before there are any negative effects on your system, and by that point the sheer amount of liquid intake would probably kill you. I drink coffee every day, and I’m old as shit!” “It’s definitely not about the coffee,” said Dr. Pike. “I watched a YouTube video about this. Coffee’s really good for you! Just like red wine and chocolate. These are all things that are excellent for your health—hell, they’re even known to lower stress! And ifa small bit of a good thing is healthy, then shit tons of a good thing is even healthier, right? Coffee is not to blame for this incident.” With no answers on the horizon, it is likely that Wired’s anxiety attack is a mystery that will never be solved. “It’s just kind of scary to think about,” said Wired, a cup of black coffee in hand. “Like, I wish there was something I could do... some habit I could break... something to ensure it won't happen again.” *This article was sponsored by Canadian Coffee Corp. Five existential thoughts you've had working at your minimum-wage job > Contemplating the truths of life and suffering Jessica Berget Staff Writer or some, working five days a week, making frappuccinos eight hours a day for $10.85 an hour sounds like a nightmare, but for many others, it’s a cruel reality. When you work for minimum-wage and can barely afford food, it’s hard not to be existential. Unless you're about to abolish the wage labour system and overthrow capitalism (good luck, comrade), minimum- wage jobs are here to stay. But worry not, fellow proletarians! You are not suffering alone. We here at the Other Press know how you feel, and we are here to satisfy your existential dread with a list of thoughts you've probably had working at your minimum-wage jobs. So don’t worry, babe, we’ve got you. 1, Why does humankind suffer? This is the point when you come to terms with the fact that we are all different types of consciousness trapped inside of our very own flesh prisons, living on a floating rock, hurtling through space. But then you snap back to reality and realize the guy in front of you has been complaining about the wait time for his coffee for 10 minutes and you haven't listened to a single word he said. You tell him that life is swift and meaningless, and that time is a social construct. He demands to see the manager. 2. God has abandoned us all. You were probably thinking this when you ran out of ice in the middle of a rush on a day your workplace was terribly understaffed. But not even ice can soothe the burn of the bourgeoisie exploiting your labour for profit. You wonder, “When will my suffering end?” Short answer: When your shift ends in four hours. Long answer: Never. 3. How could this happen to me? Unless you were singing lyrics from the most popular Simple Plan song, you were probably thinking this when you got called into work on your only day off. You try to tell your supervisor that you have too much homework to do and can’t come in, but they entice you with the promise of free food. They always know how to get you. Who needs good grades when you have some extra money, right? 4. Why me? This is usually what you are thinking when you remember that all life is suffering and suffering is inevitable, as it is part of the human condition. Or when that creepy old guy you hate serving walks in. You just know he is going to make you help him with his Tinder account again. 5. Lam disillusioned with the human experience. Whether it’s because you have been working for 5 hours without a break or because a group of people walked in 10 minutes before closing, you are probably pretty pissed right now. But then you remember it’s payday today, and it almost makes it all worthwhile.