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( College Confessional...

And more!

The End of all times draws nigh

» Gradu-rapture is upon us

Chandler Walter
Distribution Manager

uite a commotion was
Oreste early last Monday
on the campus of Simon Fraser
University.
A fourth year student, Miles

Cettler, was wandering the
grounds, alerting all those who

were in shouting distance of the : during one of his breaks from

: preaching, to ask him what
se: had worked him up so badly. It
posters, and he wore a sandwich : turns out that this was Miles’

: final semester of study, and his

Gradu-rapture.
In two hands he held large

board on his chest. Cettler’s

: message was clear: everything
: he had ever known was coming
: toanend.

“Hear me. Hear me! Ye

: doomed souls!” Miles shouted
: at many SFU students, “The

: End draws nigh! Two months

: left of this existence, until the
: great day of judgement.”

We questioned Miles,

: parents had decided to cut him :
: off in April. :
“The After will be bleak and :
dreary indeed, for all those who :
: are to be cast into the shadowy
: abysmal life of self-sufficiency,”
: he had said in a prophetic, all-
: knowing voice.

Soon after returning to

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Most of the followers

: appeared to be other fourth

year students—many with
bags under their dull, hopeless

: eyes. The group followed Miles
: as he made his processions
: throughout the concourse.

We asked one SFU

: : professor what he thought
: preaching and holding his signs :
: that read “ABANDON ALL
: HOPE” and “IT IS WRITTEN

: IN THE TRANSCRIPTS” we

: noticed that Miles had actually
: gained a significant following.

about the whole ordeal.
“Every year it’s the same

: thing. A few of these kids get
: cut off and start to think it’s the :
: end of the world. They don’t
: know how bad it really gets

 

Image from Thinkstock

: ... after kids, a few divorces,”

: unfortunately that was all the

: interview we received from the
Criminology professor, as he

: had then decided to join the
forlorn group.

The mass of students only

: continues to swell as there

: truly is an end in sight, and we

: encourage students to thank

: their parents for the income

: they provide. Our thoughts and

prayers are with all those who

: have, and will, suffer the loss of
: financial dependency.

 

[legalize c

: tired. Instead of never talking

: to Dog, Cat tells Dog life goal:

: to kill Human. Dog does not

: understand where food would

: come from if Human dead.

: Cat not seem to care. Who

: knows how many crimes catnip
: started?

“ Regan Shrumm
The Martlet

og enjoy simple things.

Food. Human. Food. Belly
rubs. Food. Dog friend to
Human if food involved. Dog sit
for food, Dog lay down for food.
Point is, Dog work hard. Unlike
Cat.

Cat bad. Cat not listen
to Human. Dog think maybe
Dog get Cat’s food instead for
being such a good Dog. But no.
Dog punished if Dog tries to
eat Cat’s food. Then when Cat
bump down bananas to floor,
Dog think Cat help out Dog.
Dog eat bananas whole. Skin
tough, but good. Good like Dog,
or so Dog thought. Human
come home angry. Dog blamed.
“Bad Dog,” yells Human.
Human does not understand
that it was all Cat’s fault.

Like Dog said, Dog enjoy
simple things. Unlike Cat. Cat
eat catnip. Cat’s eyes go crazy.
Cat run away and never get

atnip

Dog not like Cat, on catnip

: or off. But Dog especially not

: like Cat on catnip. You do

: not see Dog on catnip. Dog

: respectable. Dog good. Mind

: you, Dog’s cousin, German Dog,
: works at airport. German Dog

: sniffs for bad drugs. Maybe

: German Dog sniff for and eats

: catnip. But German Dog makes
: biscuit wage doing it. German

: Dog still good dog.

Why catnip not illegal?

: Even Human’s green equivalent,
: weed, legal in some areas.

: At first, Dog unsure of weed.

: Smells of skunk, which smells

: great. But Dog learn once that

: if Dog gets too close, skunk can
: be bad. But weed not as bad as

: skunk. When Human eat weed,

: Human eat lots of food. Dog

: usually get food which Human
: drop on floor. Dog happy, so

: weed good.

When Cat eat catnip, Cat

: does not want more food. Cat

: does not drop food on floor. Cat
: tell Dog about Cat’s angry life.

: Cat play with Dog’s tail, hurting
: Dog. Sometimes Cat sees mouse
: when mouse not there.

Plus why only Cat allowed

: to eat catnip? Why catnip even
: called catnip? Very exclusive

: name. Does that mean Dog

: can never try catnip unless Dog
: turns into a Cat? Why not call

: it Dog food? Even though Dog

: know catnip bad, Dog still want
: to try catnip. Catnip on list

: of Dog’s must eats, including

: cheese, Human’s poo, and

: kitchen trash.

So either catnip needs

: name changed to include Dog

: or catnip needs to be banned!

: Dog also thinks Cat should be

: banned, but that is for different
: argument.

 

Image by Mary Robertson