Junes, 1994. by Bert C. Ennah The Other Press stepped into the high tech world of mail slots this week with the installation of a wondrous wood hole. Local hole expert and football caach extrordinaire Jimmy Johnson said the mail slot was miles ahead of anything he ever saw in Dallas. "Hell, if I knew Canadians had this kind of advanced architecture, I would have left those damned Cowboys years ago," Johnson said. "T've dreamed of a slot like this." First invented in the early 1830's, the mail slot has been through relatively few changes until recensly. - In the last 15 years, coinciding with the birth of the personal computer revo- lution, mail slots have become advanced machines capable of many tasks. The new FZ-3452 prototype mail slot that the Other Press now has on loan from the government can process up to three letters at a time. It can also calculate pi, has a surface- to-air Exocet missle delivery system with ~an accurate range of 10,000 Km. The FZ-3452 can also sing old Sinatra tunes, play a mean hand of rummy, and beat the crap out of anybody: in the of- fice. Gengis Khan was seen eyeing the slot recently. Through an interpreter, he marveled at the slot's hand-to-hand combat skills. "And it even cooks a mean plate of chili," Khan said. But environmental groups are saying the new mail slot is hazardous to the health of the average college student. "The nuclear reactor that powers the unit is unsafe," said my mom. A concert, headlining such acts as Don Henley, former Duran Duran frontman Simon LeBon, Bob Dylan, Public Enemy, and Tito Jackson is to oc- cur June 24 at Moody Park, protesting the OP portal. The group is calling them- selves the People's Hole Liberation Front. See what happens when no eye g ha tomate h ye for the Other Press? Bert C. Ennah has a long look at the mail slot. Midnight Oil vocalist Peter Garrett has threatened legal action against the PHLF, stating that no protest group should ever be formed without his knowledge, and full cooperation. It is rumoured that Other Press Of- fice Coordinator Tim Crumley has been secretly communicating with US Presi- dent Bill Clinton via e-mail. While Crumley was unavailable for comment, Clinton said today, "That man should be locked up. I swear he'll use and abuse that slot to kill us all." The President was visibly upset over the whole thing, and became agitated at the mention of Crumley's right-hand man, A&E Coordinator Jason Kurylo. "For God's sake, they've got to be stopped," wept Clinton. Jean Chretien, Prime Minister of Canada, was present at the conference, and consoled the first yuppie president. "There, there," Chretien cooed, Other Press "they're just a couple of college kids who want proper mail delivery, mon frere. Have another french fry." Mother Theresa said in an interview from Mozambique that the destruction of the earth and its citizens would ulti- ‘mately be the fault of devices such as the FZ-3452. "It's an attack upon our souls, our families, and God himself,” she said. "Soon the world will burst with the flames of hell and it will be the fault of the Other Press." Still other groups are angry at the na- ked display of power the Other Press has taken in printing this obviously false story. “Damn those OP’ers! We want news, not a long, vivacious wank about a mail slot," said obviously made up student Jim Strip. "T hate them." "We really apologize a lot," said Crumley. "We wish we had written some news, but we're a volunteer organiza- tion understaffed and overworked." "We had no choice but to lie to you," said Kurylo. "But write for us! Come by the office and we'll tell you everything you need to know. Or drop a note through the newly-built mail slot. Or call §25-3542. But don't leave us lonely." OP gets brand spankin’ mail slot Holy Spork Batman! Now that we have a mail slot, you can drop us mail! PHOTO: Mike Dutton Project High a good opportunity for teens by Objective Journalist The Other Press has started scratch- ing backs and hopes that its collective back will be scratched for a long time to come. The student paper has started an in- ternship program for high school stu- dents code-named Project High. Students from 10 Lower Mainland secondary schools were approached in late April to participate in the program, which brings the students together to produce a paper aimed at other second- ary school students. Eight members are currently involved with the project. "It's a great way to get to know how secondary students perceive their world,” said project coordinator Jason Kurylo. "I've been out of high school awhile and it's interesting to know how stu- dents' lives have changed, even in the 6 years I've been out of high school." The students will be left mostly to their own devices, with the OP staff helping and providing support where needed. "Youth in our society are treated abysmally," said Office CoordinatorTim Crumley. "They're treated as non-persons, like they know nothing. We know that these students are more than capable of mak- | ing their own paper, by themselves. We just want to foster that relationship.” Project High memebers would re- ceive what normal Douglas College stu- dents working at the Other Press would receive: writing experience, desktop publishing training, computer skills training, photography training, and more. The students would be asked at the completion of the project to volunteer with the Other Press. "It's been a fun and interesting ex- perience so far," said Project High mem- ber Kristi Kenyon. "T've met some nice people and done some cool things. I hope I will be able to use the experience I get to further my working experience.” The Project is the first attempt by the Other Press to reach out to high school students, but they are planning more internship ventures in the future. PHOTO: Public Information Office Tim Crumley and Kristi Kenyon smile and look damn nice PUBLICATIONS BOARD STUDENTS NEEDED AND WANTED The Other Publications Society, the publishing arm of the Other Press, is forming a new publications board to adequately receive input and criticism from college students, faculty, staff, and community. We are looking for two (2) students who don't want to volunteer for the Other Press, but would like to be able to give suggestions to OP staff, who are willing to give two(2) hours of their time per month for a meeting of the publications board. Interested? Send a letter of intent stating your desire to join the publications board by June 17 to: Publications Board, c/o Other Press, Box 2502, New West'r, BC V3L 5B2 your friendly neighbourhood student paper since ‘76