Man’s best machine bests man

By Cody Klyne, Arts Editor

ith his souped-up positronic brain—often in the case of our Lt. Commander,
W resulting in make-your-head-hurt with his level-headed, calculated,
intelligence—combined with badass and precise approach, raving like
Klingon-dwarfing robot muscles, Data is the a madman during a crisis just isn’t
embodiment of two of present-day man’s key pursuits: a consideration (unless he chooses
strength and power. Even still, in the year 23XX, to create a “panic” subroutine to
these merits alone aren’t enough to secure the good better experience what it’s like to

Lieutenant’s position as a Starfleet Captain’s wet dream. be human...which has probably
Thankfully for the crew of fhe Enterprise, particularly happened...he likes to learn.)
for Picard on numerous occasions, and the human race Knockout gas? No problem!

in general, Data’s the total package.

It’s been said that “in space, no
one can hear you scream,” luckily,

Incapacitating hypersonic pulse?
Easy! The cold dark vacuum of

 

 

 
 

Data vs. Picard

Set phasers to fun

iven the recent birthday of the
Gann token Betazoid,

the listless Counsellor Deanna
Troi (portrayed by Marina Sirtis age 56),
two nerds looking to settle an argument,
stemmed from having both recently re-
watched the entire Star Trek: The Next
Generation (TNG) series, take up arms
here within the pages of The Other Press to
champion two of the series’ best. Inhibited
only by their inability to legally settle the
dispute in the traditional Klingon fashion
(a fight to the death,) we know who’s the
worst *cough *Troi *cough* so we’re here
now to answer the question...who’s the best?
Android vs. Man; Lieutenant Commander
vs. Captain; this is: Data vs. Picard.

disease and biological infection,
Data has saved the day, the ship
(including the lives of its thousand
plus crewmembers) more times
than Riker has successfully bed
the opposite sex of an alien species

space? Sure, why not! Immune to

 

 

(zing!) Whether locked in a marathon

game of Strategema against a bloated
third level grand master or lovingly
tending to his (bastard of a) cat Spot,
Data has explored the breadth of
experiences readily up for grabs to your
average human from birth and come out
ahead of the curve time and time again.

Data isn’t human; he’s too good

 

 

to be human. What he is is a raw representation of
humanities efforts to improve and grow in a scary, big,
and vastly diverse universe. He’s a kooky mixture of

our greatest qualities and accomplishments as a species
cut with a sprinkling of our continued failures (the

same failures that make us human). He’s a muscle logic
sandwich wrapped up in a shiny metallic package and the
best damn Lt. Commander in this generation or the next.

 

 

O Captain! My Captain!

By Simon Staszkiewicz future Picard collaborate to form an anti-time shell around the
anomaly, destroying all three Picards, but saving all three at
Ts bald headed intergalactic saint and Captain of the the same time.

flagship of the United Federation of Planets: Jean-luc

There was, however, one unfortunate instance where the

Picard. Is there a more noble, righteous and badass captain was assimilated and used as a weapon by the Borg...
man? Certainly not in the world of Star Trek: The Next but let’s not talk about that. Why choose Captain Picard? The
Generation. answer should be pretty clear by now; he’s the best there is,

The Captain keeps a cool head at all times, partly due to dammit, the best!

male pattern baldness, but mostly due to his years serving in
Starfleet. A brash young Jean-Luc Picard often found himself
in trouble as a cadet. Much like you or I, the would-be Captain
frequently found himself dating multiple women at the same
time and helping his friends cheat at space-pool. It wasn’t until
he was stabbed in the heart in a bar brawl by a Nausicaan—
wait, what’s a Nausicaan? Think Hulk Hogan meets Predator.
Anyway, it wasn’t until he was stabbed in the heart that

our Captain changed his mischievous ways. The Captain’s
reaction to being stabbed in the heart? He simply /aughed. Fit
with a new fake ticker, he was soon shipped off on his first
service as an ensign.

Fast forward to star date 41153. Jean-Luc had previously
served as first officer on and eventually took command of the
USS Stargazer, during which he invented his own tactic later
called the Picard Maneuver. With the heart of an explorer, the
soul of a poet, and the Federation’s finest crew, the Captain
was ready to command the flag ship of the Federation.

What’s his first mission? Our Captain gets to save the entire
human race in the very first episode by using his mastery of
diplomacy to convince the omnipotent Q continuum not to
destroy humanity. Captain — 1, Q — 0. The very last episode
finds the Captain yet again saving the entire human race

from a spacial anomaly that traveled back in time to threaten .
our primordial hides. How does he do it? Past, present, and