Jake Wray
Senior Columnist

 

he Liberal government’s

new marijuana taskforce,
led by Anne McLellan, has
released a surprising list of
proposed marijuana regulations
that has pundits and advocates
scratching their heads.

The taskforce has been
collecting data and testimony in
order to make recommendations
to the federal government,
which is preparing to table
legalization legislation in
2017. Political observers and
journalists were not expecting
any announcements from
the taskforce, which was
meant to report directly
to the justice minister.

McLellan called a last-

minute press conference in
Ottawa on Monday to make
the off-kilter announcement.

“I realize that we are taking
some unconventional steps
here,” McLellan said. “This
isn't the entirety of our report,
but we wanted to release a
few of the staple regulations
that form the core of what
we're trying to do here.”

McLellan then pressed
play on 25-minute PowerPoint
presentation set primarily to
’80s power rock songs, including
“Eye of the Tiger,” and “The Final
Countdown.” The proposed
regulations are as follows:

All Canadians over the
age of 19 must take a rip
at 4:20 p.m. every day.

2. $4,000 fine for spill-

ing a grinder.

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Visine must be ap-
plied between smok-
ing and driving.

Bongs and other glass-
ware must be cleaned
once a month with an
alcohol-based cleaner.
Pizza delivery drivers
must accept joints

in lieu of tips.

Poppers must be taken
from dedicated bongs.
Bitch-tokes punish-
able by up to two
years of jail time.
Blunts must be rolled
with a sprinkle of
cocaine, just like Big-
gie used to do it.
Smokers must buy
local weed. No smok-
ing any of that nasty
Mexican brickweed.

The elbow that shook the world

> Three amigos conference instrumental in elbow-gate resolution

Jake Wray
Senior Columnist

 

ustin Trudeau and Barack
Obama have apparently
made up after their elbow-
based spat last month.
American forces, which
had amassed at the Canadian
border after the incident, quietly
withdrew after several days.
Weeks of silence and uncertainty
followed before Trudeau and
Obama appeared together at the

Three Amigos Summit in Ottawa.

In a speech at the House of
Commons, President Obama
briefly addressed the incident
that nearly drove North America
into a bloody conflict.

“I was honestly pretty pissed
that Justin would assault me
viciously with his elbow, but I
found it in myself to forgive him

because I am great, fantastic, and
wonderful,” President Obama
said. “I also realized that my
attempt to politicize the incident
wasn't gaining me any favour
with voters, so screw it, right?”
Justin Trudeau spoke to
reporters about the incident after

the Three Amigos proceedings
had concluded. He maintained
his claim to innocence, saying
that the elbow was a light,
accidental bump, but that he
was sorry nonetheless. He

said that Mexican President
Pefia Nieto was instrumental

(¥ Student forgets registration time

( Universities begin accepting lengthy Facebook posts

as credible articles

(¥ Unintentionally inappropriate vintage ads

And more!

10. Children can only
smoke at school if
they bring enough
for the whole class.

11. Joints must always be
passed to the left.

Pot advocate Marc Emery
said the taskforce’s priorities
are different that he imagined.

“Uh... holy shit. I was
fully expecting the federal
government to propose
heavy-handed legislation that
favoured big corporations and
had no basis in the day-to-
day realities of recreational
smokers,” Emery said.

“This is... something else.”

The Other Press caught up
with Conservative Party leader
Rona Ambrose in Lethbridge,
Alberta, where she was in the

 

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in calming the situation.

“If it wasn't for Pefia, I would
still be mad at Barack, and Barack
would still be mad at me. But
our third amigo was able to talk
us down and get us sitting at the
same table again,” Trudeau said.

“It’s a good thing too because

Image via Www.pot.tv

process of raising a posse.
“Think of the CHILDREN,”
she said, wiping foam from
the corners of her mouth as
she sharpened her pitchfork.
“The government has
signaled clearly that it’s on
the side of the druggies and
the fiends. I shudder to think
how many abortions will be
conducted using marijuana once
these proposals become law.”
Karem Adams, professor
of Bluntology at the University
of Victoria, said he takes issue
with the requirement that
blunts be rolled with cocaine.
“A blunt without some
blow in it is still good. The
government is placing unfair
pressure on people who want to
enjoy a fat roll,” Adams said.
“Also, coke is still illegal.”

we would have been fucked if the
Americans had invaded,” Trudeau
added with a nervous chuckle.
Hasbro, the maker of
Monopoly, is also apologizing
for its role in the incident. Colin
McFadyen, a spokesperson for
the company, said Hasbro will
be reviewing its own policies.
“We recognize that we
are responsible for the animal
hatred that grows between
Monopoly opponents. This
shocking international incident
that almost caused millions of
people to be slaughtered has
forced us to rethink the rules of
Monopoly, as well as our values
as a company,” McFadyen said.
“For now, we are
recommending that world
leaders play Scrabble, Yahtzee,
or Battleship instead.”