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By Chloé Bach, Assistant Editor

Imost every time I pick up a shitty tabloid
A read an entertainment website there is
something written about Lindsay Lohan,
and I really can’t help but wonder why.
Why do people even care about this girl?
She was in a few brutal movies, put out a couple
terrible albums and gets trashier and less good
looking by the day. Oh, and she’s still not getting
any work even though she’s pretending to be a rug
muncher.
Lindsay has recently been photographed with
a suspicious, white, powder-like substance stuck
in her nose which probably explains why she has
been looking so emaciated as of late. Even though
she has tried to fight off the media’s accusations
of weight loss by saying she eats a Big Mac every
day, I just don’t believe her. Word is the coke diet
works wonders for weight loss, y’all.

ne

 

Lindsay Lohan,
going downhill
élebrityRant fast... again!

Seriously, folks, aside from Mean Girls
(which I will only admit was good because Tina
Fey wrote the screenplay) Lindsay has done
nothing the least bit impressive. Although I am
a little impressed that someone who is only 22
years old has made it to rehab three times already. §
To top that off, there have been rumours swirling |
that Lohan is an absolute terror to work with on
set. This unfavourable ‘tude resulted in the Ugly
Betty episodes from last season she guest starred
in being cancelled altogether.

I hate to jump on the “she’s a role model”
bandwagon, but it’s true. The facts are little girls
look up to Lindsay Lohan and guys, for some
reason unbeknownst to me, want to stick it in
her. But I think rewarding anything about this
train wreck needs to stop. Hollywood has stopped
hiring her, so let’s all stop being interested in her.
We’ ve seen her tits and her “Britney” so there’s
really nothing left to see.

 

 

ae

 

There’s no other way to put it: Coldplay blows

By Jay Schreiber

, Jay Schreiber, am a liar.
In a previous article, I stated

that U2 is the lamest band in the
world, and should never be praised by
anyone ever again. The truth is, U2 is
part of an elite group of whiners and
sell-outs that I have taken the liberty
of nicknaming the “Craptasticals” after
the part of the male anatomy that they
remind me of. Other members of this
group include (but are not limited to)
Bon Jovi, Kiss and this week’s edition,
Coldplay.

Coldplay has a history of releasing

 

craptastical music that would make any
12-year-old pianist appear to have more
talent. They are another group who are
the epitome of lame with semi-tuned
vocals and about one and a

half-chord progressions for each
song. Coldplay insults every single
trained musician in the world with
their attempted use of strings and other
classical orchestration that would make
Mozart roll over in his pauper’s grave.

Chris Martin, ringleader and
central ego whore of the group claims
to be the musical talent, visionary,

financial backer and best-looking one

of the group. With an ego and a bank
account like his, it’s no wonder he
named his kid Apple and bought—I

chords in each song, it’s difficult to call
him good when all he does is stick to
the basics.

Will Champion, drummer and

“Coldplay has a history of releasing craptastical music that would make

any 12-year-old pianist appear to have more talent”

mean, married Gwyneth Paltrow.
Johnny Buckland, lead guitarist
for Coldplay, is shy on talent and takes
his orders from the illustrious Chris
Martin. Guy Berryman is a decent
bass player, but with no more than five

rhythmic aspect of Coldplay is easily
the most replaceable member of

the group. He uses drum beats that
impress no one and leave very little
to the imagination. Drummers are
traditionally the most active and vivid

members of any band, moving all

limbs to play their instruments. With
Coldplay’s boring songs and mediocre
tempos, it’s no wonder that he’s the
most overweight member of the quartet.

In 2008, Coldplay’s single
“Viva La Vida,” perhaps the least
scrumtralescent song of the year caused
controversy when both Joe Satriani
and the Creaky Boards claimed rights
over the melody from this lame radio
hit. Joe Satriani is still upset over the
whole debacle and continues to seek
reparations from the British pop group.
Creaky Boards were paid millions
of dollars to drop their lawsuit, and
Coldplay won a Grammy for Song of
the Year. Where’s the love?

Well Coldplay, you continue to
make crap rock and there’s nothing
anyone can do about it. Enjoy your
money, enjoy your fame, enjoy the
fast cars, enjoy your little gramophone
statue, hell, enjoy those little mints that
the maid leaves on your pillows after
someone else makes your bed. Just
remember, it’s someone else’s music
that got you there; you just ripped it off.

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