Features

 

 

 

Continued from Pg 1

A TIMELINE OF HISTORY TOLD FROM THE
PERSPECTIVE OF CAKES

JJ McCullough, OP Political Analyst

 

obvious solution, she thought.

Contemporary historians agree this
anecdote almost certainly did not occur
either, and was instead simply cooked
up in order to retroactively justify the
regicidal head-chopping fest that was to
later occur.

1838
In the early 19th century, the countries
of Latin America had many skittish
relationships with the larger, more
powerful Western nations. In 1838
Mexico was heavily in debt to France,
and the French were getting uppity. If
the Mexicans would not pay their debts
openly, perhaps there would be a way to
extort the money out of them, thought
the French King.

An opportunity presented itself when
a French baker living in Mexico named
Remontel claimed that his cake shop had
been vandalized by Mexican ruffians.
This gave the French sufficient pretext
for a full-out military invasion, and the
royal army occupied the country until the

10

debt was paid off. The amusingly one-
sided conflict would later be dubbed the
Pastry War.

1967

Canada celebrates its 100th birthday and
gifts flood into Ottawa from all parts of
the country. The township of Surrey,
British Columbia donates a 10-foot tall,
12,000-pound birthday cake that features
over 900 pounds of pineapple alone.

Of course, the cake sounds much less
appetizing when you consider it also
had to be filled with lots of wood and
cardboard, to prevent it from collapsing
upon the Queen, who cut the first slice.

1974

A military coup seizes control of the
capital of Ethiopia and imprisons the
country’s monarch of over 40 years,
Emperor Halie-Selassie the First. In the
days that follow the new Communist
junta begins an aggressive propaganda
campaign to discredit the king, portraying
him as an evil and callous tyrant. On

September 11, Ethiopian state television
airs a carefully doctored documentary
in which footage of Ethiopian peasants
suffering in the great famine of 1973

is spliced with images of the Emperor
feeding fancy cakes to his dogs. The
following day a republic is proclaimed.

1991

Britain is gripped by the landmark case of
United Biscuits vs. The Commissioners
of Customs and Excise, a hugely
important trial that pitted England’s
most beloved cake company against

the heartless machine of government
bureaucracy. The government argued
that United Biscuits’ popular Jaffa cakes
were not actually cakes at all, but rather
cookies. As cookies, they’d be a luxury
item susceptible to export taxes. United
Biscuit ended up winning the case when
it was noted that Jaffa cakes could not
possibly be cookies because they go hard
when they get stale.

2003

The Administration of President George
W. Bush begins to strengthen its push for
war with Iraq, citing allegations that the
regime of Saddam Hussein is pursuing
weapons of mass destruction. As critics
begin to demand proof, Bush cites a
report from the British government,
alleging that agents of the Hussein
government had been trying to purchase
yellowcake from the Republic of Niger
as recently as in 1999. Yellowcake is a
dangerous radioactive substance which, if
properly processed, can be used to make
nuclear weapons. The former American
ambassador to Africa, Joseph Wilson,
claimed the cake-related allegation was
not true, and in response someone at the
White House outed his undercover CIA
wife. The whole issue has since evolved
into a giant scandal involving the New
York Times and Robert Novak, a guy
named Scooter, and some other stuff.
The trial continues to this day, though
public interest declined about the time
Scooter showed up.