he new FOX reality televi-
sion program, Surprise! Your
Parents are Getting Divorced!
‘AGD), has been pulled off the
1 several major US and Canadian
kets.

The object of the weekly one-
ft program is for parents in
bled families to spend three
ths rebuilding a loving and
nre environment for their off-
ig, then, once the children are
fpired that they are part of one
happy family—WHAM!—the
“ty made-up host comes on the
(@ to deliver the show’s trademark
“Surprise! Your parents ate get-
divorced!”

f the children reach a satisfactory
measurable degree of onscreen
tional «Scarring, each parent
i¥es $500,000 in US funds. The
Hren’s suffering is calculated by
ence votes, which are text mes-
id in to the network after the
Bram’s staff psychologists exam-
the children on air.

e results are then tabulated and
prity judges Maury Povich, Dr.
and Paula Abdul are consulted
re the parents can receive their
ues on the show’s final episode.

March 30/2005

 

eality TV Show Griticized

anda Aikman, Foreign Correspondent to Xanadu

SYPAGD creator Joseph Hatton
says of the show’s controversy, “It
was totally unexpected. We feel we
are providing a valuable service to
families in flux. We offer a safe envi-
ronment where these people can
openly express their feelings and
come to terms with their failures as
families. Why, just last week we had
this little girl Sarah—a six-year-old
with a bedwetting problem—on the
show. With the professional input of
our celebrity judges, we were able to
help her realize it was her fault that
her parents were divorcing. I mean,
c’mon, nobody, likes a bed wetter.
And now, thanks to us, her parents
won't have to be burdened with the
misplaced guilt of thinking they are
responsible for the breakup of their
family unit. It’s moments like these
that make it all worthwhile for me.”
SYPAGD producers have agreed
to meet with the numerous private-
interest groups that are opposing the
program. Hatton referred to these
groups as “whining, overly sensitive,
politically correct pansies with too
much time on their hands and a sus-
piciously fascist-like disregard for
freedom of speech,” but says that he
is open to discussing their concerns.

 

Mark Burnett Announces Toughest Survivor Yet:

survivor Ethiopia

Iain W. Reeve

n a press conference last week, Survivor cre-

ator Mark Burnett voiced several reasons for

disappointment with his commercially suc-
cessful series. “To be perfectly honest, when I
started this series it wasn’t for money, it wasn’t for
fame, it wasn’t even for entertainment—it was to
satisfy a deep need within myself to see other
people suffer.” Burnett then went on to explain
how the previous competitions taking place in
such exotic locations as Borneo, Thailand, and
Palau had not really met his need. “While there
has been much emotional—and a certain degree
of physical—anguish over the years, it just hasn’t
been enough to satisfy my insatiable lust for see-
ing people suffer for money.”

It was in the midst of this dilemma that
Burnett came up with the idea for his new show:
Survivor Ethiopia. “You think the immunity chal-
lenges were something before? Wait till you see
these poor bastards running from civil-war mili-
tias, killing each other for food, and attempting to
avoid catching mysterious diseases for which
there are no cure.”

Network executives are already calling the con-
cept “brilliant!” and “captivating!” while the

 

government of Ethiopia is saying, “What the hell
are these camera crews doing in our country?”
Burnett is humble in his success, “I’m just glad
that a small-town boy like me could bring his insa-
tiable bloodlust and ability to detach himself from
human suffering to the big city and entertain
some people.” While Burnett remains tight lipped
about his next project, a hooker who claims to
have met him had two words for us: Survivor

Yukon.

The Crew Sextastifies Primetime TV

Iain W. Reeve, A&E Editor

rom the makers of the successful and
award-winning shows The Apprentice,
Surprise! Your Parents are Getting Divorced,
and Survivor Ethiopia comes the most amazingly
awesometastic application of auditory audacity in
the history of television. The Crew is a reality expe-

 

rience unlike any other ever. Cameras will be sent
where they have never been before, and the results
are “aweinspiratastic.” The cameras in question,
which are “stupendamazing,” will follow the cam-
era and tech crew filming the successful,
award-winning show Survivor Ethiopia.

They will discover the hidden drama,
suspense, and hot greasy sex that goes on
when a camera crew shoots a reality TV
show. Watch the tension that occurs
between camera men and grips, shudder
with tension as equipment malfunctions,
and turn off the lights and get cozy and
tense as un-coerced sexually themed
meetings occur between coworkers. USA
Today says, “So good my head may
explode if I say how good it is.” People
magazine is calling it, “The...show...I
watch...good,” and the Ethiopian gov-
ernment is saying, “What the hell are
these camera crews doing in our coun-
try?”

And, coming next fall, The Crew 2: The
Crew of the Crew, where cameras infiltrate
the ranks of those who filmed the suc-
cessful, award-winning show The Crew to
discover the real-life drama that goes into
making a reality show about people who

make a reality TV show.

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