way a Do you have what it takes to be a linen lady? » Get your clothes steamer ready! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor Yu seen them, you've idolized them—now could be your chance to become one! So many women who are much better than you are pulling off all-linen outfits that should make them look like a medieval monk working in a winery, ora scary reverend possessed by the spirit of a small Scottish girl. Instead? They are the very epitome of grace and beauty, cool as cucumbers; meanwhile, sweat pours down the back of your vintage jorts. Think you have what it takes to look like a beautiful Spanish woman from the countryside? Take this quiz to find out! How do you cut your hair? a) $50-plus salon treatment b) First Choice Haircutters, Great Clips, et cetera c) My mom’s friend Paula who I’ve been seeing for the past five years d) I grab a pair of kitchen scissors and just hack away back there What is your ideal vacation? a) Somewhere trendy and far away, like Tokyo b) Camping on Vancouver Island c) Staycation where I just get drunk with my friends d) Guided Twilight tour of Forks, Washington Mostly “A’s Go for it, bitch! Your somewhat drab personality will look great showcased by the world’s most finicky fabric. Grab your linen jumpsuit, overcoat, canvas shoes, and tote bag, because you've got a bevy of farmers markets to conquer on your lunch break. The world is your natural-fibre oyster! Mostly “B”s How ’bout you start with some linen accessories first? Instead of jumping whole-hog into what could be a fashion disaster for yourself, take a step back and think: Is this really me? Do I have the patience, wisdom, and thin hair to be someone who says “namaste” in linen trousers? Try wearing a fast- fashion linen jacket from H&M first to see how you feel. You're playing a DJ set! What do you spin? a) Hard pop, it’s what the people want b) ’80s smash hits, that’s really what the people want c) Meme songs like “Old Town Road” and “All-Star,” that’s what the people really want d) I don’t care what the people want, I'm playing Aphex Twin B-sides and Lo-Fi Hip Hop Beats for Study and Chill the entire night and everyone can just shut up about it Someone who you suspect doesn’t like you takes a screenshot of your Instagram story where you look less than cute. What do you do? a) Ignore it, how embarrassing for them b) Send a lone “?” so they know that you know what they've done c) Send a passive-aggressive, no caps “lol what do u want” so they REALLY know they've messed up d) Take a screenshot of their screenshot and roast them on your story, then save it on your Highlights under the caption “JUDAS? until you die Your cousin is having a baby! What do you suggest she name it? a) Something classic like Jack or Emma b) Something trendy like Oliver or Poppy c) Something cool like Max or Gwen d) Almond Mostly “C’s Outlook not so good. You seem like someone who would spill an entire bowl of spaghetti on their clothes, even if you were nowhere near pasta all day. Linen is a tricky fabric because if you even look at it wrong, itll wrinkle faster than my under- eyes in the sun. Why don't you try growing up and acting mature for once in your life, you cotton-poly- blend bitch? Mostly “D”s You should be wearing a full wetsuit at any given time or rolling yourself in that clear plastic that old people keep on their couches. The world isn't ready for you to wear linen, and frankly, it barely looks good on anyone, so why even try? Look for clothes that are stainproof, fireproof, and indestructible, or else just go nude all summer. Have an idea for a story? M humour@theotherpress.ca ¢ Pride renamed ‘White Gay Day’ ¢ Woman caught wearing a straw hat ¢ Do you have a linen lady in you? ..and more! Vancouver Pride renamed ‘White Gay Day’ » Work it, hunty! Isabelle Orr Entertainment Editor ancouver citizens are getting excited for Pride 2019 this summer. “We're really going all out this year,” John Wilkes, program coordinator for the City of Vancouver, told press. “We want to celebrate our city’s pride in the best way we know how— by uplifting handsome, fit, white cis gay men, and absolutely nobody else. “The female best friends of these men who call them ‘queen’ and have reality television marathons with them are also welcome to attend,” he added. “Pride used to be an act of defiance against oppression, but now we're turning it into our new vision—making as much money and getting as much media coverage as we possibly can.” Wilkes explained that in previous years, all members of the 2SLGBTQ+ community were welcome to march in the city’s annual Pride parade. “Not this time,” Wilkes said to reporters. “2019 is reserved for blonde gym hunks who would look good in a GAP ad campaign, and gay men whose entire personalities subsist of RuPaul’s Drag Race quotes.” Speaking of campaigns, Wilkes also added that most of the funding for the parade and other festivities would be coming from banks and credit unions such as TD Canada Trust, RBC Royal Bank, and Vancity. “None of these corporations would ever hire a visibly queer person,” Wilkes said. “But we're allowing them the privilege to hand out finance-themed Pride flags, Pride tattoos— you name it! As long as it’s visibly branded, Instagram hashtag-worthy, and above all else, sterile and white.” Other members of the 2SLGBTQ+ community felt that Pride 2019's festivities eee ae a cee ee failed to incorporate the entirety of the queer spectrum. “There's barely any lesbian, nonbinary, or trans representation,’ Sam Fletcher, Vancouver resident, told reporters. “Where do we go if were not gym bros who look good in crop tops?” “Anyone who is not in a cis male-cis male relationship where both parties dress in similar H&M outfits can go to their own parade in East Vancouver,’ Wilkes said. “No media coverage will be given to this parade as it’s not as palatable as two thin yoga men kissing chastely.” What does this mean for the rest of Vancouver's residents? “T feel safe seeing two men kiss because that’s what I see in movies and television,” Rhonda Bynes, 52, told press. “I don’t like any of that other ‘weird’ stuff. Only what I would see in a Netflix-made romantic comedy about young boys discovering their sexuality abroad.” “The best thing about Pride is seeing different forms of love—specifically, ones that fit the narrow mould of what I’m comfortable seeing,’ Brenda Sullivan, 37, said. “Nothing more and nothing less.” “I wouldn't mind seeing a lesbian march,” Richard Baker, 49 and creepy, said. Wilkes also confirmed that the Vancouver Police Department would be attending the parade, marching in a float as well as providing safety and security measures. “Many citizens are very anti-police at pride, mostly because of 2SLGBTQ+ people's history with the police force. But I offer this argument: What’s more marketable than a glossy 8x10 of two white male cops kissing in uniform?” Author's Note: I love all my white cis male gay friends, especially you, Guille!