Shis issue: (¥ Successful, happy student baffles entire college (Y Product packaging Y LolLola And more! Been told you're too funny? Contact: Sharon Miki, Humour Editor M4 humour@theotherpress.ca www theotherpress.ca Chemist trips on acid and drops the base Andrew Jerabek Toike Oike Fu beakers of phosphoric acid haphazardly placed ona lab floor were all it took for mild boredom to turn into mild tragedy late Thursday afternoon last week. Zeddley Benga, a master’s student at the ar By www.amazingstoriesmag.com : pretty livid and ready to Kill : Everybody, until I saw Zedd.” University of Toronto, was car- rying a mason jar of heavy base sodium hydroxide and a potted lotus flower, both of which had been recently acquired at great cost amid unstable research funding. Zeddley reportedly tripped over the beakers of acid while absently chatting to colleague Dr. Steve Florence, who was busy testing the magnetic induc- : tion machine on botha male : human cadaver and assorted : deceased rats and mice. “So here I am, finishing with the Magnetic Man and : ready to move onto Dead : Mouse #5, when I suddenly : [hear this Bangarang of : glass anda Skream,” said : Florence in an interview. “[saw my colleague trip : and fall through the air, and : watched in horror as the Flying : Lotus and heavy base hit about : Warp1.g and Smash The Floor. That was half the year’s funding : : and the First Of The Year in : terms of spending, so I was “Now, the first thing I thought was, Zedd’s Dead. He : landed ona cake Knife (Party : inthe lab last night) and that : thing’s jammed In For The : Kill. The lab was already on : thin ice with the faculty so : this spelled Doomsday for : us. Admittedly, as dark as it sounds, I wish I caught a video : for my Internet Friends.” Fortunately, Zedd was : rushed to urgent care and sur- : vived the wound. The last thing : he recalls is getting distracted : by the Pretty Lights over by Florence And The Machine. : He claims Innocence for the : accident and cites Overwerk : as the cause, as he had been : working all Day N Nite and had : barely been keeping his energy : up by drinking a Scary amount : of Monsters and washing it : down with some Nice Sprites. “Maybe I won't Get Lucky next time, my heart nearly had : a Massive Attack,” cited Zedd, “I : should get out of the lab more, : | Need Air, and I'm really not ..The lab was already on thin ice with the faculty so this spelled Doomsday for us. Admittedly, as dark as it sounds, I wish I caught a video KoyapeehiMbenkyaaXcit apalyelekcy indicate displeasure. supporter Ma Mee. KEE By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor For more information, contact Mom - mother [at] goose.com FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Are you happy? Do you know it? Organization calls for radical new unification gesture to commemorate bedtime VANCOUVER, BC (February 25, 2014) — In the wake of confusion about the emotional states of others, a small group of parents, teachers, and concerned individuals calling themselves the “Grown Ups” have banded together to create a new method of self-identifying as “happy”; the movement calls for all willing participants to band together and make the call of self- actualization upon returning to bed at nighty-night time. “Are you happy? Do you know it? Well, we want to know it too. So clap your goddamn hands,” said Grown Ups co-founder and president Dah D. Oh. “It’s a simple, standardized way for anyone in our group to know what’s going on with you. And we're hoping that it will catch on—fast—because we're not mind readers here.” Indeed, the Grown Ups movement couldn’t be more basic: just self-assess your mood and, if it is positive, bring the palms of your hands together in a rapid movement. Repeat this twice—it should create a strong, clear “clapping” sound. If you accompany the clapping with the words “T really want to show it,’ that should indicate to those around you how to proceed. Likewise, if you're really unhappy and do not want to show it, simply refrain from any hand-slapping to “People say that it harder and harder for us to express our feelings in this post-modern era of individualism and social media proliferation,” said Oh’s three-year-old daughter, Sophie Muffet. “But, as you can see by my bedtime ritual, it’s really just a matter of proper audio-visual attention from Grown Ups to children.” Oh stressed that the clapping gesture in itself is not new: “We first noticed the idea of ‘clapping’ with the light-switch activation device, The Clapper, in the mid 1980s. We're simply gentrifying the gesture and repurposing it into something actually useful.” Proponents of the movement rave about the simplicity of the gesture for people of all ” ages. “The way I see it, if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands [clap, clap],” explained “For a long time, trying to guess what my wife, Jill, was feeling was a real uphill battle,” said Grown Ups supporter, Jack. “I felt like I was always falling down, [practically] breaking my crown to empathize with her... but now—now I don’t have to guess. It’s a real miracle.” Oh suggests that anyone interested in joining the movement simply master the trademark gesture; however, those struggling can rest assured: “If you're happy—and you know it—then your face will surely show it... but yeah, still clap your hands.” Sharon Miki Humour Editor humour @theotherpress.ca Cards Supporting Humanity What happens when your mom decides to “fix” your Cards Against Humanity... What's a girl’s best friend?