The “Other” News The Sun Enters Eighth Week of Job Action Firey Ball of Gas Remains Sole Holdout in Labour Dispute With City By Iain “Pepper” Reeve de Sun remains the sole job action holdout, as Vancouver garbage and library workers appear to have reached settlement at press time. The flaming ball of mostly hydrogen, which is responsible for life as we know it, has refused to emerge from behind local storm clouds for eight weeks, demanding a shorter work day, an increase in vacation pay, and pay equity with other stars which are of equal size and illuminate the same number of planets. The Sun, as with all essential service providers, has been required by provincial law to provide essential service. This involves illuminating Vancouver for at least a few hours every week to prevent the death of plants, whitening of citywide skin tones, and mass panic that would characterize eight weeks of perpetual darkness. Instead, Vancouverites have been treated to sporadic glimpses of the warm orb of civilization, only to have it disappear and be replaced with clouds and rainfall. Several issues have plagued the negotiations between the municipal government and the Sun’s union, Major Astral Bodies (MAB), Local 3948. For one, the Sun’s sheer size—a surface area of 11,900 earths—and distance—some 8.3 minutes away by light speed— makes communication difficult. As it would take over 13 years to receive a sound made by the Sun, the city of Vancouver’s negotiation team has been communicating visually with the Sun, as light travels between the two bodies much more quickly. Negotiations have moved along slowly. “We very quickly reached agreement on working hours,” stated city negotiator Stanley Pivot. “With Fall coming, the Sun’s work day will decrease progressively over the next several months before the peak season arrives again,” he noted. However, he went on to mention that, “the big sticking point has been the Sun’s demand for a return to old style worshipping and sacrifice rituals, which I don’t think the voters of the city of Vancouver are prepared to live with” and that “he is also making noises about early retirement, and that’s also something that, if we gave in to, would not make us look good.” The Sun is believed to be 4.57 billion years old, and thus is about mid-way up the seniority ladder at MAB 3948. This is the first time the Sun has gone on job action in 4270 years. In 2263 BC, the Sun’s labour dispute was settled by a group of pre-history citizens, who pacified the Sun’s demands by building Stonehenge and agreeing to a work- share arrangement with the Moon. “Canadians Don’t Want to Elect Liberals Right Now” Explains Dion Timid leader rejects chance to flirt with election failure By Iain “Pepper” Reeve L a lengthy speech last week, which represented the official opposition’s official response to the Conservative government’s throne speech, Liberal Party leader Stéphane Dion noted that Canadians are sick of the Liberal party and are not willing to vote for them. The Liberals have been shown to be trailing the Conservatives by as much as ten percentage points in recent polls as of late. Speaking of the party’s inability to form a majority government since 2004 Dion stated that, “three failed elections in three and a half years is too much.” He continued, in the trademark broken English which has characterized his leadership, “while the Conservative throne speech contains many failings— on the environment, on poverty, and other key issues—the Liberal Party recognizes that Canadians are still quite sick of us and our candidates and will, thus, not force an new election at this 18 ” time. This move will once again ignite criticism of Dion for being too meek to lead the country’s most successful party. During his speech Dion’s voice cracked repeatedly, causing laughter to erupt from the other caucuses. A single tear could be seen behind the glasses of Dion, who held his favourite blankey for the remainder of the speech. The blankey had previously been held by Deputy-Leader Michael Ignatieff for safe-keeping. Apparently voters are turned off of Dion due to his tendency to try and use reasoned arguments to advocate thoughtful policy, a far cry from the chest thumping, abrasive game of rhetorical dodgeball that characterizes a normal session of parliament. “I wish he would stop quoting studies about the environment and just start yelling incoherently and undercutting his political opponents,” said Josephine Franklin of Sudbury. She continued, “He needs to chew up the self-esteem of his opponents and spit it all over the faces of the voters, covering them in a ¥ fine spray of political roughage. That’s what Canadian politics is all about.”