November 19, 2003

Opinions ¢

the other press ©

 

The Canadian Way

Lisa Moulds
OP Contributor

Canada is a truly great nation and I pro-
pose that we make it greater. Ask any great
leader to tell you how he or she made their
country better, and I imagine they would
tell you to get the heck out of their office,
and stop insulting their greatness. That is
why I have come up with my own plan to
make Canada the best it can be. I call
it...Fascism.

As we all know, and as has been previ-
ously stated by myself, Canada is the best
country in the world. So I propose that we
“permit” other people, in other countries,
to enjoy the truly special privilege of being
Canadian. We can do this by invading all
of the other countries in the world, and
making them provinces, or, as in the case of
our less pleasant neighbours, territories.
Come on, admit it...you want to invade
the States, don’t you? Imagine it, every-
thing in the metric system, and the
Canadian dollar would be the only curren-
cy.

Secondly, we come to the problem of
communism. I put it to you that nobody
really likes communism or communists. I
mean, how many wars have we fought
against the communists? What was the
Cold War all about? Communism. What
the Russian Revolution about?
Communism. What were all those purges

was

under Stalin about? Communism! So, to
eliminate this nasty little problem,
Communism should now be illegal, and we
should put all of the communists in jail,
and be done with it. After all, communists
seem to have this nasty little habit of killing
all of the non-communists. I’m not a big
fan of dying, and neither are my extremely
rich, capitalist backers, so we are choosing
to eliminate these people before they
become an actual threat. And why should
that make any difference to you? Are you a
communist? ARE YOU?

I propose that we stop thinking, and start
“doing!” There can be nothing productive
accomplished without the act of produc-
tion. We have all seen what thinking got us
in the past—nothing. All of the great
thinkers in the world were beaten by
“doers.” Socrates was a big thinker...what
did he get? Socrates got the death penalty.
Why? For thinking too much.

The death penalty should be instigated
for people who choose to live unproductive
lives, devoted to laziness, and thought. If
you are thinking, you are not producing
anything productive. Besides, anything
worth thinking of has already been thought
out too well already.

My friends, the question you must ask
yourselves—being proud, noble, and true

   

Canadians—is “How can I best serve my
Country?” The answer is, of course, vote
for me, Canada’s soon-to-be first fascist
dictator. I can provide you with the stabili-
ty you need, the power you crave, and
everything you have ever desired (including
shutting up the Americans, once and for
all). The one sacrifice I ask of you is to
always put your country first. Canada is
living, breathing entity, and you must pro-
tect it...with your life, if necessary. That is
no more and no less than what is asked of
any soldier. You are now all the soldiers of
the Canadian Homeland. The protectors of
the right! The guardians of all things
sacredly Canadian! The Beaver, CBC, Don
Cherry, those Heritage Moments on TV,
The National Post, and Tim Horton's!

You, as the original Canadians, are the
master race. Through our nice manners, we
shall put down the non-Canadians, and
then raise them up to a level second only to
our own. By concealing our intentions,
through our naturally unimposing appear-
ance, we can infiltrate the system and force
the foreigners into submission. After all, if
they aren't willing to sacrifice themselves,
are they fit to be Canadian?

Now get out of my office, and stop
insulting my greatness. HEIL CBC!

 

 

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Deqice

Angela Blattmann
OP Photographer

Who will win the
2003 Grey Cup
Challenge?
(Survey taken
on Thursda
November 13-)

Name: Minshang
Answer: Montreal.

 

Name: Kali

Answer: I don’t know. I
don’t follow this. Leave me
alone! Oh, all right,
Montreal.

 

Name: Kiri and Kristal
Answer: The what? Oh,
football. The Dallas
Cowboys!

 

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