Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip’s 60°
Wedding Anniversary Ends tn Night of
Disgusting, Disgusting Old People Sex

“Sa Ity”
Liam Britten

resident all-star

     
 

LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM-—It
was a royal first; a monarch married to
a consort for 60 years. Last week, Queen
Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip celebrated
their60" year of marriage withaceremony
at Westminster Abbey, where they tied
the knot six decades ago. They wanted
the occasion to be just like that magical
night, and in more ways than one, it was

At approximately 11:25 PM,
members of the staff at Buckingham
Palace were awoken by what sounded
like a break-in occurring in the royal
couple’s room. “I was awoken by
the sounds of rapid squeaking and
brittle wood snapping,” said palace
cook Peter Fontaine. “We yelled in
the room, didn’t get a reply, so we
kicked the door in, yes? And then,
my word, we saw something horrid.”

Added Fontaine: “Merde, it may
not have been brittle wood, but something
was definitely getting broken off.”

Palace staff walked in on
the Queen and the Prince engaged in
intense sexual intercourse. Details have
been scarce, but staff were “amazed”
by the pair’s stamina, especially
considering their advanced age. Palace
maid Mary McLeod was among the
staff that witnessed the royal shagging.

2 I
guess things are
getting a wee bit
dry down in the
Queen’s... well,
the Queen’s, err,
royal prerogative.
I can’t even think
of what on earth
it sounded like...
I guess it sounded
sort of like a piece
of wood getting
sandpapered,” she
unfortunately told
The Other Press.
“T would tell you
what position
they were in, but
if I did, you'd
probably never want doggy style again.”

The couple’s indiscretions,
described by onlookers as “like watching
two pieces of beef jerky hump each

Salty Britten’s Top 3's!

TOP FIVE POLITICAL MEMOIRS

Recently, many politicians have been releasing memoirs of their time in 8
office, including such diverse figures as Brian Mulroney, Jean Chretien,

 
   
  
  
 
 
 
 
 
   

The Queen and His Highne
seen here fully clothed

other” are nothing new to some. Palace
guard Duncan Wiltshire has been aware
of the pair’s lustful ways for some time.
“T remember back when I was

new here, back in °97, it was a hazing
tradition to make the new bloke stand
guardattheroyal bedroom,” he recounted,
furiously smoking a cigarette with
shaking hands.
‘My god, the
. things I heard in
there wereterrible;
the worst was
after the Prince
found something
exciting on telly,
| that put him right
n the mood. I
remember when
“he found the
music video of
those Russian
lesbian twins, he
got proper randy.”
Wiltshire
continued,
tearing up: “It
was horrible! The
things he said, shit like, ‘England rises

oe

Press. “And if those things aren’t bloody
awful enough to ear, imagine them saying
it without dentures, it was like they were
eating peanut butter. I don’t know what
rape victims go through, but] feel like I’ve
been raped in my ears. I feel so dirty...”

After the ensuing press furor
over the couple’s love-making, Prince
Phillip finally held a press conference on
the palace grounds toconfirmtherumours.

“The Queen and I are in love,
and this is what people in love do.
Besides, what am I supposed to do,
use my hand? I’ve got arthritis!” he
told assembled reporters. “I think this
embarrassment has taught us all three
things that are very important: one,
discretion is important. Two, for public
figures, nothing is private. And three,
fuck condoms. Seriously, bollocks to
‘em. When I fuck my bitch, I want to
feel that shit, I don’t need a balloon
dangling from me dong. I like it raw!”

When asked by _ reporters
whether or not the Queenis as enthusiastic
about their sex life as he is, the Prince
replied: “Well, they don’t call me Prince
Phil for nothing! Get it? Like ill?”

The Prince then began offering

 

again!’ and she would say ‘God shag high fives to reporters.
the Queen! God shag the Queen!’ it was
horrible.” He shakily told The Other
solution, tips and computer su do | ku

programs at www.sudoku.com

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and Pervez Musharraf. What else is due to be released?

Seas John Turner, J Was Prime Minister Too, Dammit

cK Muammar al-Gaddafi, A// ] Wanted was Love

cided Margaret Thatcher, The Vagina Ideologues

Beaute Joe Clark, Pimping Aint Eazy. The Story of One Crack Dealer's
Rise From Small-Time Hustler to the Ultimate Player

Sees Pierre Trudeau (posthumous), Bite Me, Mulroney

TOP FIVE RECALLED TOYS OF THE 2007
CHRISTMAS SEASON

This year, many toys from various companies are facing recalls over
safety concerns. What are some of those toys?

Bisiacintss Baby’s First Meth Lab

on PlayStation 3’s EA Sports Presents Michael Vick Dogfighting ‘08
My Little Pony Glue Factory PlaySet

Docc Hyperion Publishing’s Pop-up version of Nabokov’s Lolita

| eee Hasbro’s “Big Fuckin’ Balls of Lead”

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EASY #8

Fill in the grid so that every row, every column and every
3x3 bex contains the digits 1 through 9. That means that
no number is repeated in any row. column of box.

Answers next issue!

 

 

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