The “Other” News “Salty” Liam Britten saltyliam @ gmail.com Four Horsemen debate what next to throw at Southeast Asia “Salty” Liam Britten resident all-star HELL—The Four Horsemen of the Apocayplse met in the Ninth Circle of Hell earlier this week to determine what further disasters will be featured in their summer line-up of misfortune, tentatively titled, Can't Miss Summer 08: Oh God, Please Save Us! The line- up’s content is to be directed at the Asian demographic. These quarterly meeting between War, Pestilence, Famine and Death are considered critical in outlining what horrible ills will befall the nations of the world. Many of the great disasters of the past years were developed in committee meeting such as these. Misfortunes such as Hurricane Katrina, the SARS epidemic, and the election of Gordon Campbell have been widely credited to such group efforts. “Folks, I think we’ve done some but at the same time, we really can do more,” opened Famine. “The cyclone in Myanmar was a good start, and the earthquake in China was a great follow- up, but let’s keep in mind that this is an emerging market for pain and suffering, and we have to keep up. Asia is a rising superpower as the Western economies plunge, and the accumulating wealth of these nations is just begging to be knocked down.” “T agree,” added Pestilence. “I mean, how long can we just sit back and lazily throw tornado after tornado at the southern United States? All we’re doing is taking out a few trailer parks here and there. Let’s hit the world where it hurts!” Though the meeting’s tone was generally courteous and businesslike, tensions built as War was subtly criticized by other members for failing to cause any great conflicts in the region. “Give me a break,” an exasperated War dismissively said. “I created riots in Tibet, Laos and Thailand both have insurgencies, and that Kashmir thing is never going to end.” An obviously ‘frustrated War continued: “And come on, _ these countries are all Buddhist! I'd like to see you do any better with countries filled with pacifists.” After the meeting resumed after a recess, the tone was much more civil. Pestilence was congratulated for outbreaks of Bird Flu, and War’s efforts in spreading woe throughout the Middle East were recognized, perhaps as a fence-mending gesture. By the time the meeting adjourned, it seemed that a solidified schedule of human misery had been reached. “Okay, so Cambodia is getting an ” outbreak of Malaria,” Death read to the group. “Taiwan will be invaded by China, global warming will finally sink Tuvalu, floods or possibly cyclones will hit Thailand, we’ll see what finance has available for that situation, and we’ll get Malaysia with an armed insurrection.” A jocular War chimed in, “And if we want to get Japan, we can always throw in a Godzilla attack!” His remarks were met. with hearty laughter, and the meeting was adjourned. great work in regard to Asia so far, Ol’ Hal At it Again By “Salty” Liam Britten CROSSVILLE, ALABAMA—Crossville citizen and noted cook Harold “Ol’ Hal” McCreary is at it again, according to Crossville residents. McCreary, 55, has been a resident of Crossville for almost his entire life. Despite his reputation ‘round town as something of an eccentric, he is still generally well-liked. “OV Hal’s quite a fellow, but harmless enough,” chuckled town Mayor James T. Johnston. “He just lives by himself, working on his electric projects. He tells me he’s got some tomatoes growing in his basement. I know it might seem strange, but that’s our Hal for ya.” While McCreary does not have many close friends in town, his neighbours notice a few out-of-town friends do come by every few months. Neighbours always know when McCreary’s visitors are coming by when they hear the sound of Harley-Davidson motorcycles and see the bearded riders on them. “Back when I first saw Hal’s buddies on them bikes, I got to thinking that something ain’t right,” neighbour Bill Winston told The Other Press. “| mean, they had names like ‘Crusher’ and ‘Switchblade,’ and they sure did love carrying them handguns. But then they mentioned their gang was called the Angels, and I knew that they had to be a Christian biker gang, and I done said, ‘Amen, brothers!’” Winston continued: “I asked if they ever heard of the Hell’s Angels, and they threatened to shoot me with their dang ol’ Uzis! I reckon if they was that offended at being associated with them Hell’s Angels, they ain’t connected at all.” The newest development with the lovable Ol’ Hal 18 that has everyone talking is the newest addition to his seven-acre property: a 7200-square foot windowless steel barn surrounded by a 10-foot tall barbed wire fence and guarded by a group of six Doberman dogs. Neighbours are naturally curious about what kind of zany things Ol’ Hal is up to in there. “I bet you anything he’s going to build some kinda plane in there, I tell you what,” mused neighbour ARAVYS OV Hal, seen here at one of his fun club houses Earl Walters. “Il betcha Hal can do it. He’s a great electrician, he can wire up just ‘bout near anything. | remember he got those 400 watt hydroponic lamps for his underground tanning salon, he did that all by his lonesome. Too bad he only let his motorcycle friends and them Mexican labourers use it.” “An underground tanning salon,’ observed Earl’s wife, Susan. “What’ll Ol’ Hal think up next!” McCreary’s off-kilter | mannerisms aren’t appreciated by everyone, though; last November a joint operation between the DEA, FBI, and Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives known as “Operation: Decapitate” resulted in a massive raid of his property. While the authorities initially claimed that McCreary was “the most powerful drug lord south of the Mason-Dixon,” they quickly retracted their comments after charges against him were dropped “Yeah, apparently a few key witnesses in the case just decided to leave town forever and not leave any sort of forwarding address to the feds,” recalled Mayer Johnston. “All for the best, I suppose. | don’t think it’s really called for when those big-wig city types from Montgomery come down here to tell a man what to do just because he keeps a few assault rifles on his property.” But for all the attention he gets, Ol’ Hal doesn’t seem to think he’s all that unusual. “Get the fuck off my property, or I'll fucking kill you, you son of a bitch!” he told The Other Press. What a neat guy!