oor Pissers Piss Me Off Brady Ehler, OP Opinions Editor Yep, this really is real pee. Thanks Jen! PHOTO BY JENNIFER AIRD — I know Douglas College isn’t a big fancy University like SFU or UBC. I know that many of thi people who go here aren’t exactly “A” students. I know that we aren’t an Ivy League school, and our student body isn’t culled from the upper echelons of the social elite. Even so, I’d like to: think that Douglas is not a school full of retards. Unfortunately, when I can’t find a toilet to sit down on, because the seats are all covered with urine, I feel compelled to check the parking lot for short yellow busses. Yes, last week, and not for the first time in my college career, I was foiled by seat pissers. I was in the south wing, upper washroom, taking a break from my geology lab, and both toilet seats were ‘a-glimmer with golden water. There was much gnashing of teeth as I descended th stairwell to the bottom floor. For all the seat pissers out thefe: honestly, what the hell is wrong with you guys? I expect this kind of crap from the drunk, drugged-up a-holes at the bar I work at, but you’re doing this at a college, which is.a full four academic institutions above pre-school, where that kind o/ behaviour can be tolerated. The stupidity of it boggles the mind. How did you guys get into college in the first place? How can someone conquer the algebraic rigors of Math 11, when they are unable to master the simple operation of lifting the toilet seat before they urinate? Why can’t you people be slightly less intelligent, and simply piss yourselves? That way, I wouldn’t have to run around thi college searching for a clean stall every time I want to make a deposit in the porcelain piggy bank. In case someone hasn’t explained it to you, the toilet seat is a simple apparatus; it is a rim with a hinge. It has two positions: a downward position, and an upward position. If you are using the downward position for parking your breakfast, then good job! You are using the downward position for its proper function. If you are not, I suggest you give it-a try: your ass stays dryer (providing no one has pissed on it). The upward position is for urination. It’s bette: for urination, because you don’t get piss all over the damn seat! Faith and the Serpen Ed Ronald, OP Contributor After finishing some homework with a classmate the other day, she poured me a class of brandy and surprised me with the question, “what do you believe in?” Granted, it’s a pretty loaded question, but I knew what she meant. She was asking me what my religious affiliation was. I could have started professing my love for Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and Animism; I believe they all hold truths. But I also believe that George W. Bush is the retarded offspring of incest, produced by aliens that run the world, using the ignorant human population as their workers. Like all religious people I can defend all of my beliefs. Belief in Jesus is the toughest to defend. Besides the bible he didn’t leave a lot of evidence of his existence, but I’m enraptured by his message of love. I can’t accept every element of the religions that I believe in, and in Christianity, I’m not a big fan of the “hell” theory. I can connect with Buddhism, too. I think its true our time on Earth is a learn- ing experience. Nobody’s life is perfect. Who can deny the existence of suffering? As far as ’m concerned, The Four Noble Truths are accurate. The teachings of Islam emphasize faith and duty-both of which I believe in. The Five Articles of Faith make perfect sense to me. Belief in Allah (God), Angels, Scripture (Islam recognizes the Gospel of Jesus Christ), Prophets (many including Moses with Muhammad as the greatest), and the Last Days (judgment). I’m okay with judgment, but again, the Hell part loses me. Judaism is a monotheistic religion which claims the world was created by a single, all-knowing divinity. That sounds right; something had to create the world. Hinduism is based on the concept that human spirits reincarnate. One of the key parts of Hinduism is reaching Nirvana 6 THE OTHER PRESS NOVEMBER 16 2006 (the peaceful escape from the cycle of reincarnation). Of course we reincarnate, life is too short to make any real spiritual progress, and reaching Nirvana is the ultimate spiritual level. Animism, the original human religion, is simply defined as a belief in the existence of spiri tual beings. Its origin dates back to the earliest humans and continues to exist today. It can be practiced by anyone who believes in spirituality. I take comfort to be part of a religion that includes everyone who believes. Now for George W. Bush: my belief that Bush is an alien is not something I just made up. There is a lot of information on the internet that supports the theory that the royal families o the world (of whom the Bush family ari related) are reptilian aliens. They are abl to hide their true species from humans and they have an agenda to use humans as slaves while amassing power. I explained this to my classmate and she replied that George Bush is too bloody stupid to be an alien. Aliens who run o1 world would have to be smart. This is where my theory of Bush and incest makes sense, and the connection is sim- ple. Royal families from across the worl are famous for their incestuous ways. All of the religions that I have men- tioned believe that there is a divine cre- ator. As humans, there’s an element of this divine origin in every person that can be increased by increasing the love within him or herself. The practical way of achieving this consists of doing to others what you would want done to you. It’s distressing to me to see people of different faiths fighting in the name of religion. None of the religions I me tioned advocate killing your fellow human beings. Maybe that’s what the aliens want.