Super Bowl, the Pope, and a Welcome Addition to the Miley Glan

TR ETS

(OF toa

Opinions Editor

 

*ve got some rockin’ good news—I
became an uncle again while I slept
February 6, aka Super Bowl Sunday. My
new niece’s name is Savannah Miley and

during the wee small hours of

she’s currently weighing in at seven
pounds, nine ounces. I should warn you, if
you so much as make her frown—much
less cry—my brother and I will freaking
kill you. She’s far too beautiful to cry.
Becoming an uncle is totally easy; I’m
not even tired after my miraculous trans-
formation. It reminds me of the Catholic

noticing a pattern here: I am fascinated
with transubstantiation. 1 mention it
often, always providing a definition for
my beloved readers. The reasons I keep
coming back to it are threefold: 1) It’s
amazing to me that Catholics can diss
other people for their beliefs while canni-
balistically devouring their Saviour every
Sunday. 2) I love it when Catholics
prove their ability to take biblical
teachings metaphorically (wafer=flesh,
wine=blood). It gives me hope that they
one day may wake up and realize that
most of the Bible’s teachings are meant
metaphorically. 3) I love booze and
wafers.

Speaking of Catholicism, it turns out
that John Paul II (or “Deuce,” as I like to
call him) has decided to stay on as pope,
despite being in the grips of a debilitating
and life-threatening illness. Way to put
God and the Church first, Jabba the Pope.
It may be time to step down and allow
your religion (also apparently suffering
from a _ debilitating disease—called
“Science”) to get back to some vigorous
piety. You look like you’re trying to crawl
into your own bellybutton, dude. Let it go.

In related news, Deuce did make it to
his hospital-room window to address the
Super Bowl

world on

Sunday.

 

miracle of transubstantiation, a process
by which wafer and wine suddenly
become the body and blood of Christ, fit
for ritualistic consumption (and you
thought the Scientologists were weird).
Regular readers of this column may be

FEBRUARY 16/2005

Interestingly, he took the opportunity to
take the Eagles, plus the seven-and-a-half
points, as well as taking Terrell Owens—
at a venerable 3 to 1—to go over 100
yards receiving. Man, Deuce may be sick,
but the man knows his football.

It turns out that becoming an uncle
may not have been quite as easy as I pre-
viously led you to believe. I’m suddenly
not feeling so well. My symptoms, as list-
ed on about.com, include: “agitation,
anxiety, confusion, diarrhea, dizziness or
vertigo, dry mouth, fasciculation (muscle
twitching), headaches, hypomania,
impaired coordination, insomnia, loss of
appetite, nausea, nervousness, nightmares,
seizures, sensory disturbances (including
electric shock sensations), somnolence
(sleepiness), sweating, tinnitus, tiredness,
tremor, unpleasant mood, and vomiting.”
But it may just be something I ate during
the big “Stoopid Bowl” game. Maybe it

was all that crow I devoured after the
clock struck 12 on my beloved Eagles and
they turned into a pumpkin turnover (3
interceptions and a fumble). Or it could
have been the eight pounds of cheese
sauce. Who knows?

Sports and religion, religion and
sports, it’s all fanaticism to me. Gawd, I
miss NHL hockey some days. My bobble-
head-strewn Canucks alter is starting to
get real dusty. Welcome to our family,
Savannah. Sorry about your Uncle Colin,
but, you know, every family has one. He’s
harmless. Really.

 

e No Previous

Credit
¢ Poor Credit
¢ Bankrupt

¢ Part-Time
¢ Low Income

 

LATE FOR CLASS AGAIN?
STOP WAITING FOR THE BUS...

APPLY TODAY AND DRIVE AWAY!

0 DOWN AVAILABLE! OAC

ASK ABOUT OUR
FIRST TIME BUYER PROGRAM
0 DOWN AND $500 CASH BACK!

Apply online @ www.unlimitedmotors.net
Or call our 24 Hour Hotline
(604) 515-4800

NO PROBLEM!
Payments from
$49/week

 

 

www.theotherpress.ca 7