Activist shows
Blackfish to dolphin

> Dolphin uses large brain to see both sides of story

Klara Woldenga
Humour Editor

 

De: the Vancouver Aquarium’s
attempts to keep the controversial
documentary Blackfish from their
Pacific white-sided dolphin Helen,

a recent press release revealed that

the famous aquatic mammal has
recently been shown the film.

“We tried so hard,” said
Vancovuer marine biologist, Cindy
Allen. “But we should have known
it was only a matter of time before
our dolphin learned the truth.”

According to reports, a local
animal activist, later identified as Eric
Chapman, entered the aquarium on the
morning of February 6 with a portable
DVD player and a copy of Blackfish,
the 2013 American documentary about
Tilikum, a killer whale being held
captive in SeaWorld. Although the
documentary focuses on the story of
SeaWorld’s questionable treatment
of Tilikum, viewers have used this
movie as a platform to discuss the
issues and ethics of keeping animals
in other aquariums and zoos.

Once at Helen’s tank, Chapman
proceeded to get the dolphin’s attention
and play the entire documentary for
her, with English subtitles. According
to reports, there was no active
security during the incident, because
seriously, who goes to the aquarium
at 10 a.m. on a weekday? Chapman
was able to show Helen the entire
movie just before he was discovered.

To Cindy Allen’s horror, the dolphin

started acting erratically immediately
after viewing the film. Once the film
was over, Helen began swimming in
small inconsistent circles and using
her echolocation to bother animals

in the other tanks—something Helen
had been previously asked not to

do. Helen then began attempting

to escape by ramming into her tank
and trying to break the glass.

“I didn’t know what to do!” said
Allen. “I tried offering Helen more fish,
and even debated about bargaining
her cooperation with the promise of a
small child to eat—I would never have
given it to her, of course. No, no, no.”

Allen continued to laugh
nervously for two minutes after
giving this statement.

Thankfully for the Vancouver
Aquarium (and the small children
touring it), Helen’s rampage ended
very quickly. After only five minutes
of attempting to break the glass, the
dolphin calmed down, stopped her
erratic actions, and has not acted out
since. The Other Press was able to get
an exclusive interview with Helen the
dolphin to discuss her thoughts.

“Well, at first 1 was super pissed,”
said Helen. “I just wanted to attack
everyone, especially those small children
I always think about, but then I used
my brain and simply calmed down.”

According to Helen, the dolphin’s
brain is the second most powerful and
complex brain in any animal, with
the human brain being the first.

“Knowing this about my brain gives
me a lot of pride,” she told the Other
Press. “It reminds me that I should

Man with truck nuts wins
‘Most Masculine’ award

> Neighbours ‘in awe’ of removed

muffler, loud bass setup

Greg Waldock
Staff Writer

 

Cov “Big C” David, a 23-year-
old from Surrey, BC, was pulled
over last Saturday and awarded the
international “Most Masculine Man
Alive” award after speeding in his
massive black truck down a suburban
road at 3 a.m. His truck, a large black
Ford with high-beam roof lights, a
Confederate flag sticker, removed
muffler, and a massive pair of truck nuts,
was chosen by judges for its extreme
display of manliness and testosterone.
Big C told reporters, “I was just
driving ‘round town, throwing water at
McDonalds drive-through employees
for my prank channel, when I decided

to go see my old high school.”

He had his glass-shatteringly
low bass playing and was revving his
engine over and over when a man
approached him with the trophy.

“This is the ultimate proof that I
am the most alpha man alive, and not
at all filled with horrifying insecurities
like my exes have said,” stated Big C.

Big C’s neighbours were the ones
who contacted the awards organization.

“My wife and I were walking
in the park when we heard Big C
yelling at high school girls as he drove
past,” neighbour Kaley Shorthalt
told reporters. “It was such an alpha
move that my wife instantly turned
straight and left me on the spot.”

Big C’s friends, Mac Daddy and

(YY Entertainment page!

(¥ Academy shows no emotion for Emoji

Movie
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And more!

 

use my brain to its full potential by
knowing my own biases and logical
fallacies, while remembering that there
are always two sides to every story.”

After thinking about the film,
Helen did her own research, learning
that some enclosure animals are rescues
and are kept there in the hopes of being
rehabilitated and released back into
the wild. Helen told the Other Press
that “SeaWorld is one example of poor
management of animals in captivity. I
don’t condone cruelty to animals, but we
should not assume every organization
holds the same practices, and instead
be open to both perspectives.”

Upon hearing Helen’s statements,
Chapman returned to the Vancouver
Aquarium in hopes of convincing the
dolphin to see his side of things.

“I can’t believe Helen isn’t angry!”
Chapman told reporters. “She should be
unilaterally outraged at every institution

Chad, crushed beer cans against their
heads and threw them at passing cars
in honour of the accomplishment.

The “Most Masculine Man Alive”
award is annually given out to people
who make aggressive power moves
towards everyone around them.

“I just want people to know that |
don’t care what they think,” said Cody.
“People bitch about my music, my flag,
and my giant green Monster sticker, but
I’m just expressing myself. I am who I

that keeps large mammals and demand
they stop holding them, or else!”

He then stormed off, promising
to return with protesters.

Later that week, Helen agreed to
meet with Chapman again, but five
minutes into their next discussion she
refused to say anything more, as he
had begun totally straw-manning her
argument. After he stormed off yet again,
Helen publicly stated that she would
like to meet with Chapman a third time,
as she wants to keep an open mind.

“T really want to see his point of
view as he may have facts and thoughts
I have not considered,” she told
reporters, before adding that she knows
“Chapman’s actions do not represent
all animal rights activists,” and will
continue discussions if he agrees to
hear her side of the story and “starts
really using that big brain of his.”

 

am. If you can’t handle me at my worst,
you don’t deserve me at my best. Work
hard play hard. A lion doesn’t concern
himself with the thought of sheep...”
The Other Press cut the interview
short when we realized he was quoting
inspirational Instagram posts and
couldn't, or simply wouldn't, stop.
The penis-shaped trophy
now sits in Cody’s bedroom, on
proud display in a way that is “very
cool, but extremely straight.”

Illustration by Cara Seccafien

Image via Fisolazio.ingo