PAGE 4 April 15, 1985

 

 

The Extremely Cheap Detective Pt.2

by DAVE WATSON

Our hero,private eye Phillip Marlowe,has been hired by

Lola Cuisinart to find her father,Professor Sunbeam Cuisinart,

who has been kidnapped by a gang/led by the elderly Miss
Selanious. Cuisinart is an inventor of kitchen appliances

whose mysterious new invention has also been stolen by the
crooks. Marlowe didn’t have a clue of how to find Cuisinart,
but luckily he finds a piece of paper with the address of Miss

Selanious on it.When he arrives, he is knocked out and
imprisoned in the basement. Shrewd psychology (and a well
placed hit by an oak desk) enable Marlowe to escape with
the address of the Professor’s location. Before going there’,
Lola and Marlowe stop at Happy Harry’s Gunstore to

purchase enough weapons to take over Cuba. Harry has

just rung up his purchases.

“That comes to $2743.95. Would
you like help carrying this out to your
car?’’

-*‘No, | think she can manage it all.’’

It took her two trips, but we finally
got back on the road.

““Mr. Marlowe, do you think we’ll
need all these weapons?”

“I'd rather bring four too many than
one too few. Be prepared, that’s my
motto.’

gad thought that was the Boy Scout
motto.’

‘| lease it to them. Turn here and
cruise slowly down the block, | want to

_- check out the place. oe ‘
_ Number 42 was a seedy dump with a|

collapsed porch and termite holes that |
looked like they’d been made by a!
Volkswagen Bug. That might sound*
bad, but this was the show home of the
district. | decided to attack from the
back, so we pulled into the alley. We
parked in the alley and | gave Lola”
some instructions.

“This could be dangerous. At least
one of them is bound to be pretty mad
at me. If I’m not back in a half an hour,

or if there are gunshots, then drive to.

the police and tell them the whole
story. Do you know how to use a 9mm
assault rifle?’’

“Yes. a?

“‘Good girl. Take one of the UZI’s’’
| began to load up with some
weapons | might need. | put the
Barretta in my boot. The other UZI had
a shoulder strap, which left my left
hand free for the loaded grenade
launcher. | stuck the Ruger in the front
of my pants, after making sure that the
safety catch was on. | wouldn’t want to
go off half-cocked.

| filled my pockets with plastic
explosive. Finally, | grabbed the
hunting rifle and stood up. | must have
been carrying an extra hundred
pounds. Now, not only was | prepared
for combat, but if the Earth’s rotation-
al speed was suddenly cut in half, |
would be much less likely to be hurtled
kicking and screaming through the
lower atmosphere.

A last minute thought struck me, so
| placed four mines across the alley
twenty feet in frént of the car to protect
Lola. | reminded her to back out when

_ she left, hopefully with me and her
_ father. | took a drink to steady my
nerves, Bes another to reduce my
sensitivity to pain. It occurred to me

that if | was killed | couldn’t drink
anymore, so | had three last drinks.

 
 
 
 

 

If | was going. to 0 die
happy. Lola ‘int sad
thoughts of im ;

“Mr. Marlowe.

“Yes. i Pees
“Then go rescue my. lather.” :
| stepped out into the alley. The
moon was obscured by clouds, making

it so dark that I nearly tripped over one.

   
  

of the mi
very.

|. paper. .
| reached ‘the ba

. That wouldn't make.for.a_
writeup in “the norning

  
 

scarined the house throug the infra- ee

: ~ square. Why would anyone buy some-

thing that big and expensive just to
hollow out peaches?’’

red sniperscope. All the wind
“dark.except one in the basement.
Through it | could see Miss Selanious,

Lum Oxx and two other henchmen. ©

The professor was tied to a chair under
a bright light. What a cliched set up.
Suddenly | heard a hissing sound. |
panicked becausel:thought it was a
snake, but it was only Lola:

- Dgst. Stop stalling, gumshoe.’’

With these final words of -encour-
agement from my client; } jumped the
fence into a rather poorly kept back.
yard. | ran-up to the house and planted
the plastic - explosive | around whatever
looked like a major structural point of
the building. 1 then approached the
back door... It was locked, A: ee
battle plan ran through my head.

| could shoot a couple of. tear
grenades through the basement w
dow and then unlock the door with the’
UZI. | would leap down the stairs,
quickly eliminate any opposition with
some of the weapons on me, and free
Lola’s father.

He would pay me handsomely, and
Lola and | could settle down in a
suburban bungalow. Our kids would
go to school down the street. Lola
‘would begin to get bored with
nothing to do around the house (no
wife of mine is going to work!) She’d
meet a former Mr. Fiji and have a wild
affair with him, befor running away
with the money from our joint checking
account. That tramp. It would serve
her right if | just took off, leaving her
father at the mercy of these criminals.
Just as | was about to leave, | stepped
on a trapdoor in the middle of the

porch.
1 fell into a. small sealed room which

promptly filled with ether fumes, not
enough to knock me out, but just
‘enough to sever the connection be-
tween my brain and the rest of my
body. J helplessly watched Lum and
another henchman pick me up and
carry me into the room | had looked in
earlier.

Everyone greeted me in one way or
another. Surprisingly, the most ob-
scene greeting came not from Lum but
from Professor Cuisinart.

“You blew it, asshole.’’ Just what |
needed to hear. Now | hated the whole
family. Lum walked over to Miss
Selanious and the other henchman
began to confiscate my arsenal.

“1 ook at all this stuff. If this guy
had the slightest idea of what to do he
would have been dangerous. He even
has a peashooter in his boot. .25, that
wouldn’t stop a hamster. Even a Swiss
Army knife. That’s everything.

| was cleaned out, but | could move
slightly. The anesthetic must be
wearing off. | could also talk, so |
decided to get some answers. Perhaps

_ if | could buy some time | could regain

enough control of my limbs to run
away or something.

““So, like, what’s all this about?
What’s this invention that’s causing
all the fuss?’’ The professor put his
hand up first so | let him answer.

.‘‘My invention is a Nuclear Fusion-
powered High Intensity Laser Peach
Pit Vapourizer. NFHILPPV for short,
although | think the marketing board
\. might want to rename it.’’ | was more

ne ~. confused than ever.

“The damn thing is four feet

“Well, with further modifications it
could analyse any fruit and instantly
adjust to eliminate its pit. Oranges,
grapes and cherries were easy but I’m
having trouble with apples. The model
from my. basement lab, now in this
house, was only a prototype. Naturally

the commercial version would be much

smaller.’’

"Okay, Pit buy: that: New -whak”
makes this so valuable to these crooks?

Is. this industrial espionage?’ Th
time. Miss Selanious a her: hand,

‘We had to kidnap the professor to
show us how to work the machine, but
he has been...uncooperative. Perhaps
if we drag his daughter in here he will
volunteer more information.’

She sent a henchman out to get Lola.

- Almost all physical control had return-

ed to my body, but what good would it
do? My ride was about to be captured.
| looked through my pockets for any
kind of weapon, but only found a
rubber band. | held on to it, it was
better than nothing. Suddenly a loud
explosion from the alley got every-
one’s attention.

 

  
   
   
 
   
  
      

ane caiaeh ase on the focus.

‘‘What was that?’’ screamed Miss
Selanious.

“‘Sounds like a G-40 anti-personnel
mine to me,’’ | replied wittily. She

glared at me so | quickly amended my

first statement.

“But, that’s just an opinion.’’

““You realize we are going to kill you
or, to be more precise, Lum will,” she
volunteered.” You shouldn’t hit peopl
with furniture. ’’

“Can | ask a last question? With the
tight security the professor placed on
this project, how did you find out about
it2’’ | had to stall. If Lola followed my
instructions, she would have left for
the police by now.

‘It was easy to find out about the
laser Cuisinart ordered. Lum delivered
it. He has a day job, too, with Federal
Express. Do you have a last request?’

“Yes. | was at the movies last night
and a piece of popcorn is stuck
between two teeth. It’s just killing me.
Could | borrow the ivory toothpick in
the Swiss Army knife?’’

“Give it to him, Lum.’’

Lum gave me the toothpick and
through sleight of hand | managed to
put it in my mouth with the elastic. |
used all the muscles in my tongue to
hook the elastic over my canine teeth
and pulled it back to my uvula. |
loaded my crude slingshot with the
toothpick, looked Lum straight in the
eye, and smiled.

At first | though | had missed, but
then Lum fell to the ground with the
toothpick sticking out of his back,
having passed directly through his
heart.

| lept over to the pile of my weapons
and set off a couple of tear gas
grenades to immobilize the other two.
Unfortunately, | didn’t have a gas
mask, so | was pretty immobilized
myself. | managed to untie the
professor and we were all having a
great time coughing and gasping for
air when the police arrived.

‘This is the police. If you’re not out
of there in five seconds, we’re sending
in tear gas.’

{staggered to the window to tell

them»not to bother, we already had
~ some, but they sent in more anyway. |
“blacked out again and awoke in a
* hospital bed. | had made the front

-of the paper and was considered
Two days later | was flown to
ton for a special bravery
dation. The General Electric
Vice-President of Marketing pinned it
on me in a brief ceremony filmed for a
commercial to be aired when the
professor’s invention was released to
the public.

Lum and Miss Selanious received 45
year prison terms. Ms. Gallstone sued
me for shooting her once | became
famous, but we settled out of court for
an undisclosed sum. The professor’s
invention was released as the Atomic
Depitter (a stupid name) without my
performance featured in the advertis-
ing.

Inspired by my success as an invest-
igator, | became the city’s foremost
missing person and pet detective. And
Lola? Lola’s my secretary. | gave up
drinking so she doesn’t have to carry
anything heavy up the stairs. How-
ever, she is getting tired of stealing
objets d’art for my private museum. |