humour // no. 18 theotherpress.ca

Police introduce zero-tolerance
policy on zero-tolerance policies

» ‘Those who don’t follow the policy will be shot out of our awesome cannon, say police

Klara Woldenga
Entertainment Editor

 

esterday the chief of police, Frank
Trenten, held a press conference
to announce a new policy about zero-
tolerance policies. He stated that there is
now a citywide ban on any policy that touts
“zero tolerance.”

“One morning we talked for like five
whole minutes about how to solve these
kinds of policy problems,” said Trenten.
“We think this was the best way to solve it.”

According to a recent press release
sent out by local police, those attempting
to issue zero-tolerance policies will be
subject to heavy penalties and fines
without any warning.

“Anyone who attempts to create a
zero-tolerance policy will be subject to

a $5,000 fine and will be shot out of a
cannon,” Trenten said. “I’m not kidding.
Bob, our administrative guy, tried to start
a zero-tolerance policy yesterday and |
was like, ‘Nuh-uh, you're going into the
cannon. He was like, “‘Whhhaaaattt, and I
was like, “Yeah huh, Then he was shot out
of the cannon. RIP.”

The reception of this new policy
has been fairly positive with only a few
complaints. Those who have complained
have been shot out of the same cannon
used for enforcing the zero-tolerance policy
on zero-tolerance policies.

“Tt’s a great cannon, strong and rustic,”
said Trenten.

“I think the new policy is great,” said
local Vancouverite and mother, Joan Foss.
“I don’t understand it, but the person
telling me about it was wearing a badge and
had a deep, mustached voice, so me and

my baby Jack trust them.”

When asked what Foss loved so much
about mustaches she replied: “I just wish
I could grow them is all. But my baby will
be able to when he’s older! That’s the only
reason I had him.”

When asked what he thought of the
policy, Jack the baby grabbed the mic and
began chewing on it, suggesting that he
not only agrees with the policy, but will also
probably grow up to make more than me
salary-wise.

Unfortunately, in the first few weeks
of implementing the policy, local police
have already encountered a problem:
Cannon wear and tear.

“The only cannons we have are old
ones taken from several history museums,”
said Trenten. “Those already have so many
miles on them, and we've shot so many
people out of them in the past few weeks.”

Five important transit tips
for a better commute

» Leave your fellow commuters in awe

Klara Woldenga
Entertainment Editor

 

I: no joke; commuting sucks more
than your mother taking part in a straw
sucking contest. Commutes are long,
weird, and go either too fast, too slow,

or just right—right? Thankfully, like a
wonderful blanket, we've got you covered.
Here are some tips that make your travels
a bit easier for you because, in the end, it’s
only you that matters.

Touch everyone’s knees

Come on, you love knees. Everyone loves
knees. Touch them all. Touch them all the
time—but only if you can make it look

like an accident. People hate it when you
do things like touching knees on purpose.
Brush up and touch their knees with your
bag or jacket. Bonus points if you maintain
eye contact.

Thank the bus driver 100 times
Bus drivers really like it when you greet
them and say thank you, so say thank you

ella.

 

100 times while you are on the bus. If you
get a chance, whisper it into their ear as you
pass by.

Eat your lunch on the bus

People love tuna and really, really old eggs.
The older the better, really. Make sure to eat
those on the bus as many times as you can,
together, in avery large and very drippy
sandwich.

Wear 12 backpacks

Backpacks are great and hold so many
things: stolen goods, small fires, or eternal
life. The more the merrier, and with your
short-sightedness I’m sure you have many
to choose from. Wear them all and wear
them proudly!

Scream every time you see the bus
Buses are intimidating. Challenge their
authority and size with a loud scream of
terror.

 

 

Trenten is requesting more cannon
donations to help with their cause.

“We will be using these in the near
and far future,” said Trenten. “Anything
helps. Even catapults would be helpful. Or
some really big rocks for throwin”

When the Canadian War Museum
was contacted by local police they issued a
public statement: “We don’t want any part
of this,” they wrote. “Also, do you know
where all of our cannons went? There’s like
a broken window and glass, and all of our
cannons are gone. Isn’t this something the
police is supposed to look into? Thanks.”

“We don’t have their cannons,” said
Trenten in response to the statement.
“Anyone who disagrees, well, you know
where they'll be put and shot out of.”

Photo by Billy Bui

Comic by Nova